About Non-Monogamy Help

After writing a few successful articles about non-monogamy and polyamory and receiving some private messages in other forums asking for advice, I decided to try and start a non-monogamy advice column in January 2017. I produced fortnightly columns for two years as letters came in. I also got a Patreon for people who wanted to support the column.

And in January 2019, I decided to launch a podcast version of the column, given I had got so many letters. Since then, I’ve had so many different chats with different people featured below.

In December 2020, I moved away from Medium (because of the paywall and difficulties it brought people to read every week), to my own website at nonmonogamyhelp.com.

In June 2022, The Anxious Person’s Guide to Non-Monogamy was published by Jessica Kingsley Publishers.

For a good long while I have been working with Kathy Slaughter, LCSW who wrote the forward to my book. They were previously known as the anonymous therapist with 10 years experience I’ve worked with.

In December 2022, I released this new website design to improve speed on mobile.

In March 2023, I released another new layout because the last one absolutely did not improve the speed on mobile.

In August 2023, I moved to Ghost and got another new layout because WordPress was causing me huge indexing issues. So hopefully you enjoy the site!

In 2024, I closed down my Patreon and began accepting subscriptions via this website.

About "the therapist"

Kathy Slaughter, LCSW

Individual, Sex & Relationship Therapist

Kathy Slaughter loves watching people bloom, moving through painful life lessons and learning how to find belonging. Currently, they lead Soaring Heart Center, a values-driven, impact-oriented entity that offers talk therapy and coaching. In their off-hours, Kathy co-creates spaces where humans blossom at regional Burning Man festivals.

In presentations like Love Lessons from Open Relationships (a 2018 TEDx Talk, with over 300k views and counting) and many professional trainings, Kathy speaks with passion, fierceness, and the magic of compassion. They drop truth bombs with clarity and warmth.

In this way they help thoughtful, self-aware people struggling to connect with others learn they have the right to pleasure, agency, and love. By learning this, they can enjoy sincere and fulfilling relationships with themselves and others.

Kathy believes therapy and other forms of healing should bring you more in alignment with your core self, at ease in the world, and able to enjoy abundant love.

Interviews

I have done several interviews for a variety of other podcasts where I have talked about polyamory, given advice or discussed other issues. Have a listen below. I'll try to keep this updated but sometimes I may fall behind!

Lovecast 821
Savage Lovecast

Real Relationship Talk
Multiamory Podcast

The Anxious Person's Guide to Non-Monogamy
Multiamory Podcast

The Anxiety and Non-Monogamy Episode
They Talk Sex

Episode 83
Fifty Shades of Gender

My First Time: Polyamory
Fifty Shades of Gender

Episode 11
Queers & Co. Podcast

Podcast reviews

A few reviews from iTunes.

“You dispel so many myths about non monogamy and show people that having problems/ difficult emotions in non monogamous relationships doesn’t have to lead to switching to monogamy." Natynatslol

“Finding this podcast has changed the way I think about non monogamy in such a positive and helpful way. I would go as far to say, it’s changed my life for the better. And that’s just not hyperbole! Keep up the fantastic work!” curiousfae

“This podcast covers a range of topics relating to polyamory in an open and honest way, with good advice on boundaries and handling difficult situations – well worth a listen 😊.” bungle106

“Lola Phoenix’s podcast is an excellent supplement to their book, “The Anxious Person’s Guide to Non-Monogamy.” They help readers and listeners to feel seen and understood, and to see their challenges as something they can get through. They offer a refreshing mix of skepticism, curiosity, caring, and hope." Justin Kalm

“Your podcast and columns are helping me feel comfortable and ready to become non monogamous. I have mental health issues and that’s been difficult to manage along with becoming non monogamous. You have great insight and empathy while also being firm and blunt.” Dragonblossom

“Your podcast and columns are helping me feel comfortable and ready to become non monogamous. I have mental health issues and that’s been difficult to manage along with becoming non monogamous. You have great insight and empathy while also being firm and blunt.” Dragonblossom

“I absolutely love this podcast. I wish there were more polyamory podcasts like yours because most of the one I’ve found are really boring and not as insightful as yours!” Kiwiiiii.1

What is Non-Monogamy Help?

Non-Monogamy Help is a podcast and advice column produced by Lola Phoenix that is released once a week. For more information about the podcast, visit the about section.

What should I know before sending in a question?

I'm always happy to answer questions that are similar to ones asked before and I understand many questions are written while dealing with a lot of specific issues or problems.

But, if you have a little bit of time, I would suggest reading both my non-monogamy 101 article and and my non-monogamy 102 article which covers a lot of basic ground.

I also have a book titled The Anxious Person's Guide to Non-Monogamy which is designed for people either new to non-monogamy or people who are experiencing anxiety (which I argue is typical for most people) and would like strategies for how to combat this. And last, but not least, you can use the tags or a the search option to find podcasts and columns of a specific theme or around specific issues.

What is your background?

My approach toward giving advice is not and never has been one of asserting myself as a guru or an "expert". This is primarily the reason I do not do expert "classes" about non-monogamy or anything which would characterise me in the way of an "expert" or "professional". I am considering offering a course in the basics or fundamentals to help people get started, but this would be for people who are just starting out to get them set up, which I already give a lot of advice on.

This is because of my foundational belief that relationships in and of themselves are not skills and that there is a pervasive belief in non-monogamy communities that more relationships or more "experience" being polyamorous = the more someone is "safe" and the more someone knows. This is not the case. We're all capable of mistakes and individual relationships are all individual.

I have been non-monogamous since around 2009, but that doesn't mean I know everything or that I am better than you if you have less experience. The reason I give advice is because I have spent years studying sexuality, relationships and mental health as a personal special interest and many years in online communities in LiveJournal, Reddit and other places giving advice. I enjoy giving advice and I enjoy helping people.

Again, I do not see myself as a guru, an expert, an "educator" or anyone held above others. My advice is a mutual aid project, a desire to help people from the position of being right there with you, and not because I'm any better than anyone else who is polyamorous.

I do not have any qualifications in mental health. I have two degrees: one in English and Journalism and another in International Studies. At most, I give quick one to one advice, but I'm not a therapist or mental health professional.

And I refuse to get any sort of two week false coaching certificate to give me any sort of veneer of professionality I don't have. If you'd like to support what I do as a writer, that's great. But if you are ever contacted by someone claiming to be me and asking for money for advice – it's a scam.