Balancing Time in Polyamory

For a little bit of context, I started a casual thing with one of my longtime housemates last September. We've been friends for at least 8 years and living together for 4 years (we live with other friends too), but last year we got a lot closer, partly because I got over a depression and changed a lot of aspects of myself (for example, I'm a lot more flexible in my way of thinking). He also went through a time of self-reflection and change, mostly about how he connects with people.

He decided he wanted to prioritize his friendships and other connections in his life instead of following the monogamous hierarchy, and so we started to spend a lot of time together since I do follow a very horizontal hierarchy with people in my life—be they friends, romantic partners, etc. He ended up breaking up with his ex-girlfriend after talking with her about the idea of opening their relationship but, even more, after sharing with her that he didn't want to go through the script of monogamy and move in together. He considers that his project in that sense is with me and our other friends we live with. (We basically function like a family, have plans of living our entire lives together, and are not really willing—for now—to bring other partners into the mix of living together.)

Some time after that, and after talking a lot about relationships, how we each wanted to do those, etc., we ended up starting a sexual relationship with each other while, at the same time, he started a sexual relationship with another girl. We talked about it being casual at the beginning, without closing ourselves off to what could happen, and decided to actually de-escalate some of the dynamics we had going on (sleeping with each other every night, spending every evening together...). My logic was: if you're going to bring your other partner home, I don't want to feel like you're throwing me out of bed because of that—same with me bringing someone else.

This last month, we talked about the status of our relationship since he is going on a little vacation with M (his other partner). I was feeling a little insecure about that because I didn't understand the idea of going on vacation with what had been described to me as a very casual partner. After expressing my doubts, he told me he didn't see their relationship as a mere friends-with-benefits kind of deal now, and that he also didn't see our relationship as such. Thankfully, I also think our relationship is developing into something deeper, so we decided to stop with the FWB thing, and I've felt a lot more secure about everything since then.

The thing is—and here comes the issue at hand—I still think we should spend even less time together. Because we live together, and even if we sleep on our own most nights, we still eat together, have breakfast together, go swimming together. It is to a point where I feel his absence so much when he's with M, and I feel like I would feel better if I had my own routine and times so I don't feel "abandoned" when he's with M. But I don't know how to explain this to him. I don't think it is a de-escalation; I do think of it as a way of building a stronger foundation for our relationship looking to the future. Since I'm also interested in looking for other possible partners or connections, I feel we will have to face spending a lot less time together in the future. I do not want it to be a dramatic event.

And talking about another issue at hand—I feel pretty anxious and uncomfortable when M comes home sometimes. The other day, I went to the bathroom and heard them having sex, which wasn't the most pleasurable experience. Since M lives with their parents, this is the only place where they can meet in that sense, and I still feel like I want them to have that space. I would hate to be the person that takes that away from them. But I still struggle, and I don't know how to navigate it. I've talked with my partner about it, of course, but we are both new to polyamory and don't have any examples similar to our situation around. Everything I've read about polyamory either involves everyone living together (which I wouldn't want for now anyway) or avoiding seeing or hearing my partner being intimate with their partner by leaving the space entirely.

When talking about it with him the other day, he ended up asking me if I was okay with M coming home the next day. I was very uncomfortable finding myself in the position of potentially vetoing her from coming home, and so I told him it was okay. Again, I stand by it, but how do I navigate this? How can we all take care of each other, and how can I take care of myself? I feel lost in this dilemma, and I fear that my need to spend less time with my partner comes more from the anxiety I feel when he's with M here than from a place of really wanting that time for myself.

First and foremost, I think what might help you a lot more in this situation is to compare what you do with your partner and what your partner does with M to what you might do with a really good friend. For example, would it really be out of the ordinary to go on a vacation with a really good friend? Not at all. I think in the process of being so worried about what your relationship is, how "escalated" it is, and preventing yourself from getting hurt, you're hyperfixating not only on what's going on within your relationship with your partner and whether that's a sign of "escalation" or "de-escalation" but also what's going on between your partner and M and whether that's "escalated".

I see this happen often with people who try to be "casual" about their relationships. I think casual can work if the people involved are actually casual about what happens but I think where "casual" becomes a problem is when people are choosing to be "casual" because they, for whatever reason, do not want to define their relationship or are afraid of it becoming anything but casual.

I think even within a "casual" relationship, there has to be some acceptance that feelings could happen, bonds can grow, and things can become less casual and instead of trying to control your feelings by defining every relationship behaviour within some sort of gradient of escalation and what it *really* means, you should accept that maybe some bonds and feelings might grow.

What counts as "escalation" of a relationship isn't some sort of universal scale you can apply to all relationships. The understandable feeling that you could be replaced by another partner is not something you're going to be able to detect early by measuring the depth of your relationship and the relationship your partner has with M with some sort of tool. Nor can you prevent these feelings by putting limits on how "deep" a relationship goes.

I understand that your partner has demonstrated that he doesn't want too "go through the script of monogamy" and maybe that is also contributing towards the yardstick you're both applying to what your relationship is, but if you can tell by your very understandable feelings of anxiousness around M, there is a certain aspect of your feelings that de-escalation is not going to be able to control. On top of that, your partner asking you for permission to bring M around – which he shouldn't have to do any more for you than any other housemate – is contributing to the situation. Asking for permission is understandable but if your relationship is open, you have already given that permission.

While I understand not being thrilled about hearing them have sex – and you shouldn't expect yourself to be – it's reasonable for you to potentially hear any of your other housemates having sex. There is a reasonable expectation when multiple grown adults live together and share a house together that they may bring partners around and they will likely have sex.

I think housemates have a duty of respect to other housemates to try and be discreet about things, but the expectation that any of your other housemates should get your individual permission to bring over a partner is probably not something you expect and probably isn't a practice your current partner should do now. You're going to feel a bit weird about it and that's okay. Let yourself feel weird about it. If it helps to make yourself scarce or choose not to walk by his room when they're together, then do that.

You can be both not 100% okay with it emotionally and *also* not attempt to address those emotions by controlling what your partner does. And he can help by not handing you the reins by asking for permission. While I get why he did that, in a way, it's kind of a way of shirking emotional responsibility for one's decisions.

Sometimes being polyamorous means making decisions about what you want to do that may make other partners uncomfortable and address that discomfort later on. It's not helpful to you or him to pass the buck of that weight by asking permission. A lot of people do it. It doesn't make him a bad person but just as you should sit in the discomfort of the fact he has other partners he will sleep with, he also has to sit in the discomfort that you might have emotions or feelings about it.

Now, in terms of your question, I think rather than getting out the yardstick and trying to define what an "escalated" relationship is and what a "deescalated" relationship is, you both need to figure out individually how much time you want to spend with each other and how much time you want to spend apart without getting hung up on what that time "counts" for in terms of how deep you define your relationship.

Sometimes people use "casual" as a shorthand for not having any responsibility in the relationship or any expectation and sometimes I think that's even more odd. The avoidance of responsibility really becomes an odd thing in the relationship because, if you think, as I pointed out in the beginning, about basic friendships, we have responsibility in those relationships. People sometimes forget that friends with benefits also implies... you know, friendship.

Friendships involve responsibility. Maybe not to the level we expect of romantic relationships or "partners", but we still sometimes make regular plans with our friends. We still make an effort to respond to their messages within a reasonable time frame. We sometimes cancel other plans we have to support our friends, even plans we have with romantic partners. We still go on vacations with our friends. We still have an expectation of decent and fair treatment in friendships.

During hardships in our lives, we may spend a lot more time with our friends for support, especially if we don't have family members in our lives. Sometimes people so afraid of the deepening of a romantic or sexual relationship, will make things so "casual" they barely treat each other as friends. Maybe abandon the concept of "casual" and "escalation" all together and decide how much time you want to spend with your partner, see how much time they want to spend with you, come to an agreement together and decide that, barring emergencies or anything else, you're going to commit to that time together.

The drama in this situation comes from trying to avoid having bad feelings about things, trying to avoid the "monogamy script" and trying to avoid feelings at all by "de-escalating" the situation. You've already caught some feelings for your partner and feelings are feelings. They don't wait until you're ready to escalate or de-escalate. To a certain extent, you can't control your feelings.

I get that you want to try and get ahead of any feelings of jealousy you may have but, as you can see by your feelings about M right now, the "de-escalation" you had didn't prevent you from feeling a way about M – and that's not your fault. You've been raised within a mono-centric society and even as much as you both may not want to follow a monogamous script, you still have these concepts drilled into your head and it's unreasonable to expect yourself to not have feelings.

Imagine your ideal polyamorous situation and ask your partner to do the same. How many partners do you have? How do you divide your time? It's possible you and your partner are not actually compatible in terms of the lives you want to lead. You both being polyamorous doesn't mean that you are inherently compatible. I think if you sit down and you both come to a mutual agreement of how much physical time you want to have together, that will make you feel more established and then a little less preoccupied with how deep other relationships he has got.

You're not going to feel "kicked out of bed" if you make it clear what time you will have in that bed. In some cases where people lose partners, sometimes they end up spending more time with the partner they have left. It's pretty typical and maybe you all have spent more time together by virtue of living together than you would normally have. In both situations, I would focus on the ideal amount of time you want to spend rather than the time you have now or the time you have spent together. Imagine you do have other partners. What is the time you want to spend together?

Now, I can't promise you it won't be "dramatic" and no one else can. I would encourage you to embrace the fact that up and down emotions happen both with yourself and your partner. Drama happens. Feelings happen. That's part of life. You're not going to be able to control other people's emotions and you can only control so much about your own. Release yourself from the responsibility to prevent other people from reacting "badly" to something.

You won't have a good time in any form of relationship if you make decisions about your life based upon how much "drama" it might cause with someone else. Any time you choose to ignore your own needs for the sake of another grown adult, you're really self-sabotaging. I think of it as trying to pay off a loan with a credit card. You're not solving the problem, just kicking the emotional can down the road, usually at a detriment to yourself. Also, just as your partner has to sit in the discomfort of his decision to date others and how that might make you feel, I think you also have to sit in the discomfort in the fact that what you need might make your partner feel unhappy. If it makes you incompatible, it's not going to change by ignoring it.

In terms of how to cope with the understandable feelings of jealousy with M's visits going forward, I wouldn't involve your partner in the processing of those feelings outside of just asking for reassurance. Personally, I think that the biggest contributor to this jealousy is the lack of clear definition between the two of you of how much time you have for one another and the avoidance of big emotions you're both trying to do by making everything "casual".

Once you both decide how much time you want to spend with one another and actually put that into your schedules, I think you will feel a lot less threatened by what he does with M and what that *means*. If you define what you have together, it matters a little bit less what he does with other people. However, you might still feel weird, and that's okay. Accept you will feel weird, don't put yourself in situations where you might overhear them having sex, and allow yourself to have some of these feelings rather than trying to prevent or avoid them.

When I've experienced a nervousness around my partner being with others and that understandable fear of being replaced or not being good enough, I've found it much more helpful to write my partner cards or letters about how much I care for them and what our relationship means to me. Similar to a lot of gratitude practices, it helped me remember the things that we enjoyed together and took my mind a bit away from that anxiety.

But part of it was also just sitting in that anxiety and seeing my partner return to me or still care for me. And then over time as we built trust between one another and it happened more and more, the anxiety got less and less because I learned how to cope with it. Let yourself feel anxious. In my experience, the more you try to avoid anxiety, the more it takes over our lives and the more it grows. If you go through the anxiety, it actually gets a lot easier to manage over time.

Overall, I think defining things a little more clearer than "casual" will help things out a lot. Focus less on what is escalated and what is not and come to a compromise about what time you both want to have each other. Avoid situations where you give your partner permission and learn to sit the discomfort of each other's emotions. Let yourself feel anxious, weird and awkward and accept that this is a normal part of doing non-monogamy after being raised in a monogamous-centric society that has taught you that relationships look a certain way.

I hope this helps and good luck.