That’s what’s on this week’s episode of Non-Monogamy Help.

Episode 136 - Long Distance Sharing

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Podcast transcript

My husband and I have been ethically non-monogamous for about 3 years now. Recently, I booked a job where I’ll be performing all over the country on tour. My husband and I try to see each other at least every month, but essentially we’re doing long distance while he holds down the fort at our apartment in New York. With time zone differences and busy schedules it can be very difficult to stay intimate and keep in touch in a way that feels fulfilling.

While we’ve been away from each other I’ve had casual sex with a few people and he has developed more serious secondary partnerships. We have a written open-relating agreement that we update monthly and recently we changed it to allow secondary partners to sleep over our apartment and in our bed. I agreed to that because it seemed like he was really needing it and it didn’t seem fair that I was able to have people over my hotel rooms, but not the other way around. I always felt uncomfortable with the idea of someone else sleeping in my bed and more deeply insecure about another partner playing house with my husband in the home that we built together.

As time went on, things got more serious between him and his secondary partner and as he would tell me things they were doing, I would get anxious and respond in a way that was cold and questioning. It started to feel like he was hiding details from me to spare my feelings and because of that I wasn’t fully trusting and would often make him feel guilty about the experience he was having. He and this [partner] ended up not working out because it seemed she had expectations that only a primary partner could fulfill and he couldn’t give her that.

Now that they’ve broken it off, he tells me that part of the decision was because I didn’t make it easy for him to see her. I realize that I didn’t necessarily have a whole lot of compersion where I could have, but imagining someone else in my house while I was away was really hurtful and hard for me to deal with. He tells me that he thought we were on the same page and it seems like maybe we want different things. In a perfect world I would love us to be able to explore love with multiple partners with no ceiling, but sometimes my anxious attachment style gets in the way and I think because of that I don’t even allow myself to go there with other partners besides my husband.

There are of course more details to the story, but only so much I can fit into this so I guess my question is: How do I know if I am just being insecure/jealous and have some work to do or if I am genuinely uncomfortable with something and need to set a boundary? Did I react the way I did because my husband was having fulfilling relationships and I wasn’t? Am I ready for polyamory - will I ever be?

Response

First thing I want to say I think it's normal — as I'm sure you have guessed from my answer to this week's discussion question to feel a little bit weird about somebody sleeping in your bed. I think it's very normal. And I think that it's a boundary that quite a lot of people probably do have from some of my experience within communities.

And you know from my own personal experience, it comes from trauma. It comes from… things didn't go so well for me sometimes in bedrooms to not put extra details on the issue. And I feel creeped out sometimes to share a bed with people that I don't know and I feel really unsure about it. It gives me a lot of anxiety. And it's sometimes been a problem.

I mean, I've been lucky enough that I've had partners that have understood that or I've been in situations where that wasn't an issue, but it definitely is one of my things and I would need a partner who would be willing to understand that. Some people don't care. I think that that is sort of understandable. However, I think where some of your anxiety may be coming from — I'm not really sure if this agreement that you've mentioned talks about future plans together in terms of how you see your life being arranged once you're not on tour and once you are living together.

Is there any kind of understanding of how much time you will spend with other people, how much time you will definitely spend with each other? I know that when people live together sometimes it's very easy for you to assume that time spent in the same physical proximity of each other is dedicated time together. But that's not actually true.

And it's one of the things that I definitely point out to people who live together because sometimes — as much as people will say that partners who live together have a kind of benefit when it comes to that — and yeah, you do have the benefit in that you are you know right next to each other. It's not hard to see each other. There is a kind of issue with living together where you sometimes get to deal also with some of the negative aspects of living with another human being.

We don't always get along with everyone that we live with. And as much as you may be compatible romantically, sometimes people are a pain in the ass to live with. Sometimes you have to bitch to each other about like, “Why didn't you pick up your clothes. Please wash your dishes. Can you please— can you pay me back for this? You haven't paid the bill on time”.

Like all of that added admin crap gets put in with the whole wholesome idea of living together. And in that process, in my experience, sometimes you forget to spend dedicated time with each other because it seems like you're already around each other all the time. And that can make [you] — when you look at the time that they're dedicating to other partners feel a little bit shitty and I think that there's several aspects of that here.

Like if you guys don't have that concept of like, “Okay, this is the amount of time we will definitely spend together when we're around each other. This is the amount of time we will dedicate to other partners”, then I think that sometimes it's easier to feel anxious when there's other people in the mix. I think that your agreement to switch out the rules was— and like switch out the kind of like ability for people to stay over was actually really great for you to do.

But I do think that there may have been an issue— like I think that this isn't a situation where I think either of you did necessarily anything wrong, but it's a learning experience. Right? And if you haven't had somebody stay in your home before, you couldn't have necessarily predicted that you would feel this way about it. And it might be that because this is the first time that you did this, you feel this way because it's brand new territory, right?

You're already doing polyamory, which is something that you don't have a cultural script for. So you're already going against this whole cultural reinforced idea about like, exactly the things that you've said. You've built this home together.

You're scared of someone playing house like these are all sort of socio cultural norms that monogamy and you know, the aspect of monogamy that society is kind of giving you is protected and as seen as right “an established couple” is doing this and this means that your relationship is very intimate, very established, very safe. So of course you being away— A. you're away from your partner, so you're super stressed out that's already putting stress on the relationship. That's already a thing that's going to suck that nobody can do anything about because you know, obviously you can't teleport to where your partner is.

And it's just going to suck in general to be apart from them. And then you have this other person who's in your house, in your bed. And you have all of that sort of mono centric cultural script thing in the background going like “Ah, this person is doing the house thing and this is the thing that we're supposed to do. We're gonna be replaced. Ah!” Of course, of course you felt shitty.

I think that that would be extremely understandable in those circumstances. And maybe the next time around that this becomes an issue, I think that your partner needs to be able to voice their concerns and also needs to not make decisions based off trying to protect you emotionally from something. Whilst it's understandable, if he's going to hold resentment for it, and it's going to be this kind of thing, where afterwards he's like, “Hey, I have I broken it off because partly because of you and you made it difficult,” and it's like, well, what can you do about it now?

There's nothing you can do about it now. Other than, “Okay, I see that. I respect that. I'm sorry about that. And how can we think about how to solve this situation going forward?” Ask about what it is that you did that made it difficult and is it necessarily your fault? Because there's a lot of also sharing here that maybe doesn't need to happen. Think about it this way. Think about if you had like a best friend and you grew up together, your whole life together, and you had to move suddenly, and the only communication you had was online and you were talking to each other.

And your best friend started telling you all about this new friend that they've made and how great that they went out and did all the same things that you used to do together. You would feel hurt. It would suck to hear that and why would you need to know that information? I'm not saying like do a Don't Ask Don't Tell thing.

But sometimes I do think like in the excitement either because of new relationship energy or just because like you are close and you do want to share news about your life, I do think sometimes there's a bit of oversharing that happens. And when you're in a long distance relationship like and or your relationship is temporarily long distance because of the circumstances. Why do you need to hear about all the exciting shit he's doing with somebody who he can see? As much as I understand that he's excited. Of course that makes the situation worse.

So I think you know, of course, then you feel upset. Maybe you want to share how upset you feel. And then he then feels like “oh, well now I can't do stuff because it's making her upset. Ah!” And it's just this weird tug of war that happens. It doesn't need to happen. So there's an aspect there of like oversharing that you don't need to share all this information.

And equally, he doesn't need to make decisions in order to control your emotions. You're going to have emotions and he needs to accept that and you're capable of dealing with these emotions and you know just as you're trying not to make decisions — I see throughout this letter, and I feel like you're trying not to make decisions based off emotions, right?

Like you adjusted your agreement in order to let somebody stay over because as you said, it's only fair because you have people staying in your hotel room. It seemed like a fair thing to do. And I think that was extremely great of you to do and awesome. But equally, I think you can also make decisions about the things that you tell each other or what you share that might help you in a situation that is already kind of shitty. The situation is shitty.

You don't get to be with somebody. Somebody else gets to be with that person. It's a shitty situation and there's going to be negative emotions regardless, and I think that he should be prepared. If you are in this situation again, you go out on tour, he finds another partner. I think you could do it again. I think he would probably be a lot more secure this time around.

But there needs to be some sort of a change in the communication that happens. I think both in establishing what your future plans are and kind of reminding each other that there is room in both of your lives for other partners for more secondary connections or however you want to class them, but also within each other of like — Hey, he's going to understand that you're going to feel shitty about it, not because he's doing anything wrong.

Not because anyone's a bad person, but just because this is a shitty situation. You don't want to be apart from him. So of course if you hear someone else having like — as much as you want him to have a good time, and you don't necessarily want him to feel miserable, you're still going to have an emotional response to that and he can accept that. He can still do the things with his other partner that he wants to do and not necessarily feel like he has to hold back to save your emotions, especially if he's gonna hold resentment for it.

Especially if he's going to come back later and be like, “Well, I couldn't do this because of you”. Like you can't do anything about that at this point, or he needs to share that with you or he needs to say “I feel like I shouldn't do this because you're going to be upset” and then you can kind of say — not give him permission because I don't think that that helps but sort of reassure him in some ways that like, “Look, I'm going to be upset. I'm a grown ass adult. I can handle it. I can handle being upset. It's all right.”

And then equally like there's a situation maybe of not sharing so much information about like what they're doing. He doesn't have to hide it. But if he can be excited and tell somebody else and just like you guys can focus on speaking together about each other and about your relationship and not spend your very limited time it seems like you have together talking about what he's doing with someone else because of course it's gonna make you feel like crap.

And then one other thing that you might think about if there's like — if you have a situation where like you don't like people sleeping in your bed because you feel creeped out about it. What sort of options do you have in your house for like a futon, a pullout bed, a foldable bed or something like that? As weird as that can seem. If there is something symbolic in a shared space — that like a safe space that you have with each other, that's okay.

Like if I were to have my own room in a house like I shared with multiple partners. My room would be like my space, right and I wouldn't want just anyone sleeping in my room. And I think equally when you have a shared bedroom with a partner, sometimes that can be like your little space together. And it's also partially your space. So maybe there's a kind of compromise where people can come over but maybe they both sleep on a fold out bed.

Maybe you can go halves on it, or something like that and then that way there isn't this — because I think there's two things there's like the symbolic “Oh my god, someone might replace me because they're playing house with my husband”, which I think is separate. And then there can also be the just like realistic like “This is my space and my room and someone's in my physical safe space and I don't like that”. And maybe a fold out bed will help decrease a little bit of that anxiety.

But yeah, to sum up, I think it's pretty normal to feel ick about someone sharing your, your sort of personal space sharing the bed that you have with your partner sleeping where you sleep. I totally understand that both from a germaphobe perspective and also just from a like symbolic perspective, because where I sleep is like my solitude. Like I don't even like people in my house at this point.

Like I don't even want people that I don't know really well — like it takes a lot for me to want people in my space. So it's totally understandable. There might be a way to compromise that on that sort of like personal space feeling with a fold out bed. See if that's something that you would consider. I think going forward if you both can see this as a learning experience and be gentle with each other. Both you and kind of your emotional reactions. Of course you're going to feel this way.

I think you need to acknowledge that this is a situation where you're bound to feel like shit and there isn't anything that you can do about that. It's just the fact that you know, you're away from your partner. It's sad and that, you know, no one can really fix that. So be gentle with yourself. I think going forward maybe have a discussion with each other about once you're back from tour like where do other people — like do you have scheduled dedicated time with each other because that is really important, especially if you live together.

And then I think think about how you might do this again going forward. Can he forgive you? Can he like forgive you for having those feelings if he felt like that was controlling him in some way? Even though I don't think you we're trying to. I think you kind of need to have a discussion about like what you disclose with each other. How you can deal with your emotions. What can he not tell you and what can he tell you with the understanding that you're going to feel a little bit bad and not use that to like, control the way he decides to react to situations and just work that out within each other.

Because I do think like, yeah, this was a rough experience. This was a — but this was your first time. It seemed like at least from the way that you wrote your letter. This is the first time that when you've been away someone else has been in your house. It's bound to come with some really big bumps and that's okay. It doesn't mean that you're not ready for polyamory. It doesn't mean that you can't do it.

I don't think that you're necessarily reacting that way because your husband was having fulfilling relationships and you weren't. I just think it was a different context. You know, if you're having casual sex and your husband is having like an establish secondary partner or however you want to define it, and then that person is like in your house in your bed.

There's a whole lot like just give yourself a little bit of grace here. It's not you behaving badly. And I don't think he's necessarily behaving badly either. I think there's just a little bit of like clear communication that can happen going forward, and maybe a promise to each other like that you're going to communicate and not hold things back if you're going to be resentful about them in the future.

Because I think that's the thing that worries me the most about the situation is someone coming back to you later and going “I thought we were on the same page and I didn't do this thing because of you” and like because you can't do anything about it. You can't change what you've already done. You can only promise to do something different going forward. And he 's probably maybe just speaking from grief because he's losing that relationship.

And that's really sad for him. And you know, maybe he does feel that way but you know, again, how can you both move forward in the future? With this happening again, I think you can totally do it. I think you'll feel a little bit more secure because you know that he's you know, not trying to replace you especially if you get the fold out bed and you don't have like some rando sleeping in your bed because that's fine if you're anxious about that.

And then I think if you work on how you communicate, what you disclose to one another, you don't need to hear all about all their adventures as much as you are happy for him. Sometimes it just sucks. Like it just sucks. Another good example of this is like let's say you were fasting for religious reasons when when I have friends who are fasting for like Ramadan, I try to be aware of like posting pictures of food on my Instagram like on my stories because you know, they're fasting.

It's not that it's anyone's fault like or you know, I'm just trying to be conscientious of not making it more difficult for them. So maybe he can, you know, not hide any relationships he's having but like be a little bit more conscientious of the fact that you're in a place where you're going to be struggling a little bit and how can he you know, support you with that in a way like in sharing the information that you need to know, but not necessarily information that you don't need to know. Because that won’t help you.

So yeah, I hope that helps. And good luck.