That’s what’s on this week’s episode of Non-Monogamy Help.

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Podcast transcript

My partner and I are both queer, and have been ethically non monogamous together since day one of our relationship starting 6.5 years ago. I am a cis bisexual woman but not strongly gendered. Non-monogamy is a lifestyle choice for me, but for him it is his identity and he has always been polyamorous. This is my first non-monogamous relationship and we have been in couples therapy together for a year. Neither of us have children nor want them.

Five months ago after nesting together for 3.5 years, he moved out due to turbulence in our relationship. In the past 5 months he has slept over maybe 4-5 times. I have three dogs to take care of or else I would go sleep at his place, two of them elderly. I have expressed to him how much it would mean to me if he slept over more, but he stated that it is not his need. We spend intentional time together about once a week.

Recently after spending the weekend camping with his other partner, he texted me: “I set intentions for growing our relationship.” Meaning his relationship with me. We have not seen each other since he’s come back from camping with his partner but we are scheduled to hang out tomorrow.

I miss feeling like I am connected to someone and I’m feeling resentment towards him because he refuses to do the thing that helps me feel connected. He has stated that he prioritizes his sleep hygiene and that is why he does not sleep with me. He has also stated that I do not snore, and that he usually sleeps well next to me but he doesn’t like that I wake up early. I am in full time graduate school and I only wake up early on the two days that I work.

What do you think he means by “growing our relationship?” I spend a lot of time crying alone, I feel like I am grieving what we used to have together. I don’t want to resent him because it is a barrier to feeling close to him.

Thank you for any advice that you may have!

Response

I think there's an aspect here that's kind of unavoidable in terms of grieving what you had because you were together in a kind of nesting relationship and you were living together and you saw each other frequently. And I do kind of constantly remind people that you know living in the same house is not the same as intentional time together. But when you have someone that's kind of like around all the time and then suddenly they're not, that is something to grieve

And I do think that there is a process that you probably are going through/need to go through where you are grieving what you had. And I kind of wondering if there is an aspect about this that's resentment, or you wanting to have what you had before. Because typically in this type of situation where someone's like not getting what they need, I will say there's the three C's. There are the only things that you can do when you're dealing with another grown adult and they're not giving you what you need or you're unhappy.

You can confront the problem, tell them exactly what you need. You can consent to the situation in terms of saying that you're okay with it and being okay with it. Not being resentful. Or you can cut the relationship and move on.

In this case, I do kind of wonder if there's something deeper going on here, and there's part of you that wants time with him, but there's also part of you that kind of wants what you had before and I'm a little bit worried that this isn't just about having more time. Maybe there's an aspect of missing what you had before and that in and of itself kind of makes you want to have more time.

I think he's handled it pretty well. Like he's given you a reason why he's not interested in spending more time. It has nothing to do with you personally. Obviously, I don't know what the details are of how turbulent your relationship was and what that means.

And whether or not that has anything to do with why he might not also want to stay for more time. But either way, there's been a kind of de-escalation. And there's a desire from you to escalate in terms of spending more time together, and he sort of said, “No, I'm not interested in that”. And I think… I think that it's difficult to say exactly whether or not this desire to spend more time with him is something that you just need in general from relationships.

And maybe that's something that you can find out or there's something that you can experiment with when it comes to other people. Or if this is coming from a situation of like, “I used to have this time with this person and I want that time back”. The thing that I'm a little bit confused about like… I don't know what he means by “growing your relationship”, and I'm never going to know what that means and you're never going to know what that means.

So in general, if you have a specific question about something that someone means, then you just need to ask instead of sitting and pondering because there's another aspect about this, that I think grows resentment, which is kind of sitting there and pondering and not really asking specifically for what you want.

Like it sounds like you have asked for more time but if you kind of do this when it comes to he says something and then you sort of sit and ponder, sit and ponder instead of just going “What are you talking about? What does that even mean? You know, we've de-escalated, you've moved out. I've asked you for more time. You've said no. So what does growing our relationship mean?”

Like almost immediately without even necessarily having to write me — and I'm not saying it's a bad thing that you've done that. But I'm saying your kind of reaction should be when you don't understand something that they've said is just to say, “What does that mean? What does that mean?” Like don't wait and sit and ponder because some of that like builds the resentment.

Because then once it's figured out, you can kind of feel a little bit annoyed that you've just sat there worrying the whole time. So in general, just ask directly because you're never going to fully know. You can make predictions. I can make predictions. I don't know what's going on inside of his head. So ask, ask bluntly, specifically.

Whenever something comes up and he says something that you don't understand, ask. And I think there's another aspect here that you might want to consider because it does kind of seem like you're being pushed and pulled by this relationship with him. Reasonably you were kind of nesting partners for a long time.

That got de escalated. That's fine. But I don't necessarily see anything in this letter about you going out finding other partners, you going out doing other things, you going out finding other hobbies. You're in grad school. That's a lot of work. You got dogs to take care of that's a lot of work. I totally get that.

But there are things that you can do to kind of expand your social circle because it does kind of feel a little bit like you are just waiting for this to kind of escalate back into what it was before rather than you going out and doing your own thing. And that might be more difficult for you because it's a lifestyle choice for you, but it's his identity and so maybe it comes a little bit more naturally for him to pursue other people. Maybe as a bit more free time than you do.

But either way, I think that— I'm wondering if you're just kind of sitting in this situation waiting, feeling resentful, not really explicitly asking what he means. Now that he said that he wants to grow the relationship— What does that even mean? And instead of just asking directly, you're kind of sitting here and pondering pondering like — Why aren't you pondering someone else?

What kind of relationships do you want? Now that this isn't a nesting relationship, are you looking for another nesting relationship? Is that what you want? Non-monogamy is a lifestyle choice for you and that's fine, but what are you choosing? Are you actively choosing anything? What is your process going forward? What do you want? Do you want to escalate the relationship with him?

Do you want to grow that relationship like obviously you've wanted him to spend more time with you? But he said no to that. And I feel like at that point, it would have been good for you — like if I had given you advice at that point before he said this growing your relationship thing I would have said, “Okay, he said no. He doesn't want to do it. You maybe need to think about if if this connection is kind of driving you into more pain, then maybe you need to think about ending it”.

Because I do think sometimes like people use polyamory as an excuse to not break up with people. But polyamory isn't about having multi semi sustaining relationships until you reach a level of permissible stasis. It's not meant to avoid breakups. It's not meant to just sort of keep you in limbo forever, and you're kind of in a relationship limbo.

And it's hard for me to say like, “Cut this off”, because I don't know if you're waiting because you haven't necessarily found anyone else, if this is a connection that's actually sustaining. I mean, obviously, you're going to tell me all of the bad things about it. But there may be many good things about this connection that I don't know about that may make it worth keeping in your life.

So I think there's a couple of things to work out. I think that you need to figure out what it is that you want. Okay? Presume that this is never gonna go back to what it was. How will you then go forward? Once you figured out how you want to go forward, I think that you should not bet (on) and try to avoid waiting on the relationship to grow back into what it was.

It could grow back into what it was, but I think sitting here and waiting is not a good experience for you. And I don't think that it's going to, if you did go back to the way it was, I don't think it would make things any better. I think that it would make things a lot more unhappy. There will be a lot more things to work through.

So I think you should proceed as if this is never ever going to go back to the way it was before. And with that in mind, what do you want to do? If this never goes back to the way it is before and you only have this one set schedule with him — He isn't going to come over any more than he already is. Ask yourself: Is this ask yourself is this a sustaining connection for me? Is this bringing enough joy?

Because like all relationships have challenges. No relationship is going to completely and utterly be amazing all the time. Like there's always downsides. We get on each other's nerves. You're never going to find someone who just fits every single box and doesn't get on your nerves in some way. So it's more about like the overall cost benefit analysis of the situation. Is it overall a better situation for you mentally?

And maybe you can speak to your therapist about it, if you're seeing an individual therapist. You said you were seeing a couples therapist, but maybe that's worth you exploring Is this overall a beneficial connection, assuming that this doesn't pursue any further?

Secondly, I think that you need to to recap. I think that you need to get into the habit of immediately asking rather than waiting and stewing because the waiting and stewing is not doing you any favours. If he says something that you don't get, even if it's by text, even if you're like — okay, yeah, you can wait until you're in person to have a bigger discussion.

But you can also say like, “Look, I don't like this kind of like texting preclude about our relationship. If you want to have a discussion about our relationship it needs to happen in person or it needs to happen via a scheduled phone call. I really don't want to be like texted this stuff and then be made to like, guess at what's going on here”.

Or you need to immediately ask what it means and just accept you'll get that explanation by text and if he's going to be like, “Well I’ll wait to talk to you then he needs to not send like cryptic, weird ass texts about the relation—”

That's just like when people are like, “We need to talk like”. Don't do that. Don't do that to people. There's a way to convey that you would like to talk about something or that “Hey, I really would like to meet up with you tomorrow”. Whatever. Like there's a way to convey it that doesn't send somebody into a sense of dread and obviously, there are aspects that you can employ yourself to control that sense of dread. I'm not saying that he completely controls it.

But he also doesn't have to do that shit either. You know what I mean? So, either get into the habit of asking directly when you don't understand something rather than sitting in stewing, or get into the habit of telling him not to send cryptic— I don't know if this is a frequent thing, or if this is just a one off, but either way, don't send cryptic texts about relationship changes, or don't send texts about relationship changes.

You should have a regular catch-in schedule or how to catch up whatever you want to call it. Have a regular catch up scheduled so that there's no frickin surprises. There's no “We need to talk”. Have regular catch ups and then you won't have to have this weird thing where you're sitting and stewing.

And then last but not least, I think that there's a bit for you to figure out here about whether this is resentment — if this is resentment for him not wanting to meet your needs, or if this is you kind of sitting and waiting and wanting what you had before and kind of hoping that he might change his mind, or he'll eventually come back and that's what the resentment is more about.

And if that's something that you actually want to sit in, because even if he wants to grow the relationship, maybe he does want to spend more time with you. But honestly, like maybe you get one more night a week, but really, really ask yourself are you just wanting this to go back to the way it was before? Are you actively pursuing other options?

Are you really— you know, this sounds really cheesy but are you like grabbing a hold? of life? You know what I mean? Like? Are you really actively doing things to bring yourself joy? I know you've got a lot on your plate. Grad school’s a lot. Taking care of pets is a lot but you know, you don't have to spend your whole life taking care of everything else other than yourself.

And please make sure that you're doing that. Please make sure that there is joy in your life, that you are doing things that are just for you, and not for anybody else. Because it's very, very easy for people to get into — especially if you're anything like how I was and how I used to be, which is kind of seeing my identity through the acts of service.

Like I love acts of service. I love doing nice things for people. And I've had to really learn how to differentiate between “I'm doing this nice thing because I want to do this nice thing and I don't expect anything back and I don't expect — if I never get a thank you for this. It's fine”. And then “I'm doing this nice thing because this is how I was taught to express love and to receive love. And I'm actually doing this nice thing because I feel like my value as a human being is attached to my utility and usefulness”.

“And if I don't get anything back from this, even though I tell myself that I'm doing this nice thing out of the goodness of my heart. The truth is I will actually feel very sad, resentful and like I'm being taken advantage of because I am actually doing this nice thing because I want to be loved back”.

And that's not a bad thing. Even though I feel like when you do nice things you’re kind of conditioned into like “you should only do nice things—”. And yeah, in general, it would be good to only do nice things without expecting a thank you back but it is also okay to be a person who likes taking care of people and doing nice things because that is just how you show love. But you're not going to just keep showing love to everybody, especially to people who don't show love to you back.

So I don't know, this could be my own shit. It could not be what's going on with you at all. But I just want to make sure that — there's so much in this letter about like, what's going on with him and all this stuff and like, what's going on with you? Where do you want to go? What do you want to do? Where is your need in all of this other than just like you want him to be around you more.

Okay, if you can't have that, or if you can have that we can only have a little bit like — what else do you want? What do you want that's for you? Have you explored that and make sure that you're actually taking care of yourself and making sure that you are taken care of by the people who are in your life, that things are reciprocal. You know what I mean? I'm going on but that is an important aspect if this as well.

So yeah, I hope that helps. And good luck.