Questions for this week's Q&A episode include:

• How do I address friends who don't ask about or invite your partner to things? Friends who say they are supportive but only talk about that partner if you bring them up.
• How do I find out what I actually feel when my spouse is out with others?
• What do you do if you're feeling burnt out by emotional conversations?
• My partner is always recommending stuff to me that was recommended to him by a metamour.

That’s what’s on this week’s episode of Non-Monogamy Help.

Or listen on Friday on Spotify. Don't forget to subscribe using this handy RSS link. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Use my affiliate link for 10% off your first month.

Thank you to Chris Albery-Jones at albery-jones.com for the theme music.

Podcast Transcript

How do I address friends who don't ask about or invite your partner to things? Friends who say they are supportive but only talk about that partner if you bring them up.

I think that when you apply this to any real situation, it's kind of something that you just have to bring it up and have a conversation about. I think that when it comes to friends, you kind of want to assume that people mean well, like you don't want to think that your friends are intentionally trying to hide or pretend like you're not polyamorous. I mean, that may be the case, but I think it's always good to kind of assume the best of intentions, right?

So I think that if you're in that kind of situation, any kind of situation, really, where you want someone to show a little bit more consideration about something, or you want someone to show a little bit more interest in your life, I think that there are a few things that you can do before you kind of decide that they're a jerk or any kind of negative thing.

I would just sit down and have a discussion about it and be like, "Hey, listen, it's actually really important for me for you to recognize and talk about my partner, can we talk about this a little bit? Are you feeling a little bit awkward?" Because polyamory is a kind of new thing for most people. They may not want to offend you. They may be worried about not getting things right. They may not know how to proceed. I think it's really important to remember we don't have social scripts for these sorts of things.

And when we don't have a social script for things, sometimes people a little bit awkward, and it's not because they're rude, it's not because they're trying to be mean in any way. It's just because they don't really know what to do. So I would just get it out there. Have a discussion. Say, "Hey, it's actually important for me for my friends to recognize this partner". Or if it's if it's just one partner, or if it's another partner, you have multiple partners, and they only kind of stick to one because they're used to that kind of script.

Just point that out and say, "I'm noticing that it's more important for me nowadays for my friends to do XYZ. So would you be able to do this? It's really important for me". And that's kind of the only thing that you can really do. In any case, when you're kind of dealing with another grown adult and you're not getting what you need out of that relationship, the first thing that you can do is ask for change. Ask for change bluntly, honestly, not from a standpoint of, "Why don't you do this?"

Not from an accusatory standpoint, not from a defensive standpoint, but just from saying, like, "Hey, look, this is really important to me. Can you do this?" See what they say, see what happens. Like, be reasonable in terms of like, sometimes people forget stuff. Sometimes it's really hard for some people to remember things like this. And it's not always personal or intentional, but, you know, be reasonable about it. And then whenever you decide, okay, you know, after a period of time, check in with yourself. Is this happening?

Is this actually changing? What do you want to do next? I think once you kind of have asked you, can it's up to you how far you want to go or how important this is to you, you may decide, okay, maybe this isn't the friend that I go to for this emotional type of support. Maybe I can kind of pivot my expectations and go to other friends, and this person's still my friend, but I kind of have that filed away, that like, "Okay, this is the person that I expect this from".

Or maybe this is so important for you, and maybe you don't have the time for this type of shenanigan in your life, and over a period of time, giving them grace, trying to wait for them to do this, you decide, "You know what I'm done with this". I don't think there's a right and wrong way to go about this, because it really depends on your own personal support network, how long you've been friends with this person, what this particular thing means to you. There's all sorts of different varying factors that can go into how you decide to handle the situation.

But I think the most important thing is just asking outright and saying, like, "Hey, this is an important thing to me. Can you do this important thing?" and then giving them the space to actually show that they're going to do it, rather than just say they're going to do it. And then deciding, over a period of time checking in with yourself and saying, "Okay, I've given them space. They haven't done this. I'm gonna now change my expectations or walk away from the relationship in general".

I think that's the best approach to deal with a situation where you want a friend or any person, really to do something, and they're not currently doing it, and you kind of want that to work out in a better way.

How do I find out what I actually feel when my spouse is out with others?

I wish that there was a little bit more context for this question, because I do feel like I'm not quite sure what you're trying to achieve here. I think that it's okay to have multiple types of feelings when you have a partner. I assume that by the word spouse, you live with this partner, or you have kind of like a tied relationship together.

And I always tell people that they should expect, for like, the first time their partner goes out and is with someone else, like that first night, that you're gonna feel like shit. And I encourage people to just be real with themselves about that, instead of trying to expect that they're gonna be okay, just expect that you might feel like crap, because it's kind of the moment, as I always say, where the rubber meets the road, or you're actually putting into practice some things.

There are different moments where I feel like you kind of have to go, "Okay. This is this is for real. For real. This is happening". And I think it's reasonable to expect that you're going to just have a little bit of a panic in your brain. You have a brain that's grown up in a mono-centric society. You have a brain that's told you you have a society that's told you your entire life that this is the one way to do relationships, and that's it.

And it's reasonable and understandable for your brain, which is a machine designed to keep you alive and has been influenced through years and years and years and years and years of evolution that social connections are really, really important, because our ancestors died if they didn't have those social connections like that was critical to their survival. So it kind of makes sense that your brain is like, "Ah, we're gonna lose this social connection! They're out with somebody else!" and panics a little bit.

So expect that you're going to panic a little bit. It doesn't mean that you're bad at polyamory. Doesn't mean that you don't actually want your partner to have a good time. It doesn't mean any of that. It's just reasonable and understandable. And then you also might have, like, a really big mix of emotions. Maybe you're really scared, but you're also really happy for them, but you're also kind of nervous, but you're also kind of excited. Any number of feelings that you're having.

I don't think that you need to do this sort of like archaeological excavation of your emotions and figure out what exactly what emotions you're feeling, right? I don't think that that's the most important thing. I think it's just to accept that you're gonna have some feelings and have strategies for calming yourself. Have strategies for just embracing the fact that you have these feelings, right? You are not your feelings. Just because you feel a certain way doesn't mean that it defines the entirety of who you are.

Have the feelings, experience the feelings, and then let them go. You can be curious about where they might come from, and you can kind of do a little bit of investigation, but I would hesitate to encourage over analysis, because I do think that sometimes people mistake over analysing their emotions for actually feeling them and just existing in them like they don't want to feel the feelings. So they're like, "Okay, let me think about why it is that I have these feelings and what these feelings are, and let me take them apart and put them back together again, because I think that will make them go away faster".

But really, you're just going to have feelings, and that's okay. It doesn't have to mean anything. And I think over time, in my experience, at least over time, the first night sucks, the second night gets a little bit better as you build that kind of foundation of trust again. Because when you shift your relationship style, you are really kind of creating a new relationship. You're starting over from scratch in some ways. So you kind of have to rebuild that foundation of trust.

Because the trust foundation you built before, if you were monogamous, was based off of the ideas of exclusivity, was based off of a social script that you're no longer going by anymore, so you're kind of starting afresh, and so you have to rebuild that trust again. And so the first couple of nights suck because it's rebuilding that trust again. It's very similar. You probably don't remember it, but like a lot of people, have a lot of anxieties when they go out on first dates with people, and we just kind of have that narrative in our society culturally to expect that, so it's not seen as weird.

Whereas, like, I feel like when people read a lot of starter polyamory resources, they think that if they prepare themselves mentally for all this sorts of stuff, if they do all the reading, if they do the polyamory PhD, as I call it, then they will not experience any of these negative feelings, because they'll be able to out logic them. But that's just not, in my opinion, realistic, and it's also just not the way feelings work, in my opinion, and feelings are very logical.

So I think worry less about, like, specifying the specific feelings, and think about, you know, are you getting what you need from the relationship that you have like it's not about other people, it's about the relationship you have with your spouse. Are you getting what you need from that relationship? Are you do you have scheduled time together? Do you have the things that you think that you would need? And then can you process and just have have these feelings, allow yourself to have these feelings and let them go.

And you know, over time, is this improving, or is there kind of emotional regulation techniques, nervous system regulation techniques that help you? Because I think that there's a lot that can go into this. Sometimes maybe if you're not getting what you need from the relationship with your spouse, and you're not standing up for your own needs, then it may be that when your spouse is out, this is kind of when all of those feelings come out to play.

So it's hard to say without more context of this question, but I do think, in general, like it's gonna kind of feel a bit shit, and you should expect that, but focus instead on the actual relationship that you have and whether or not that's actually meeting your needs, and that may be something that you need to work out with a therapist. Because sometimes it's, you know, we're in the middle of of all of the emotions. We can't really think that. But I think, yeah, worry less about, like, the actual feeling, feelings and what they mean, and worry a bit more about the overall context.

What do you do if you're feeling burnt out by emotional conversations?

Okay, first thing I would say is, when are you having these conversations? Are you having them at night when you should be sleeping? There is always that rule that people have said, and I have very much followed this rule, and it was a very, very stupid thing that I used to do, and that was like, Don't go to bed angry. But in my defense, it's actually really hard for me to sleep if I'm feeling upset. And I did feel a lot of emotions about, like, "Oh, my partner's angry at me. I have to fix this right now, because I can't exist in a state where my partner's angry with me, because if I do that, then they're gonna break up with me".

So I was really bad about having, like, really long, drawn out conversations, intensely emotional conversations at night that would keep everybody up, and really, the situation would get resolved, but it would have been resolved so much easier with sleep. So if you're feeling burnt out like, what are the physical aspects of this that are going into it? Are you doing it well into the evening when you should be sleeping? Is everyone? Does everyone involved have their physical needs taken care of in terms of like, have you eaten food?

Have you slept? Have you are you balanced? Or is there other stressful stuff going on in your life? Do you have other forms of emotional support outside of your partnership? Feeling burnt out from emotional conversations may be a sign that you are being kind of like the primary source of emotional support for anyone like this isn't even about romantic partners. If someone is like, if you're frequently having these intense conversations with anybody and you're feeling burnt out, that could be because, like, you don't have a source of emotional support.

You're not putting in those boundaries that you need to put in to help preserve and like, as people say, like, secure your own mask before you put on anybody else's mask. So you don't have those put in place and that other person, like, understandably, they may need someone to help. You may be talking about your relationship. So it's not like you can resolve the issue without talking about it, but you are allowed to put things down as a romantic dyad and pick them up again. You don't have to resolve everything.

And some situations, some problems are unresolvable, and that's okay. You don't always have to resolve every single problem. I had a particular disagreement with a partner in the past where I am very much not okay with cheating, which is understandable. I think I will not participate in cheating. I will not be party to cheating. I find it very, very difficult, actually, to personally resolve moral situations where I know somebody else is cheating and I want to tell on them, basically, because I'm so against this, that I feel a responsibility, and I know that it's not always the right place for me to be the person to tell somebody else that they're being cheated on, and that sometimes me doing that would actually cause more damage.

So it's like, I'm very, very against being involved in that. I had a disagreement with a previous partner, where we had to come to some type of compromise, because for their personal moral feelings and beliefs, they did not have a problem, like dating someone who was cheating on their partner. And they had their own reasons for that moral standpoint, but that was their personal moral standpoint was like, I won't cheat on anybody, but I don't have a problem dating or hooking up with or sleeping with someone who I know is cheating on somebody.

And we had to kind of come to an agreement together that, okay, that may be your moral standpoint, but either you need to not tell me if that's what you're doing, because I'm not comfortable dating somebody who is actively helping someone cheat like, I'm not comfortable with that or you. I think in the end, my partner at the time agreed that they wouldn't help anyone cheat like they didn't have a problem with it, but it wasn't that critical for them to help someone cheat. So they were like, "Okay, I don't have a problem with it, but I won't help anyone cheat so long as I'm dating you".

Okay, that's fine. And it wasn't really a resolved conflict, in a way, because we don't agree on that, like we fundamentally disagree with whether or not. And we did have a few arguments, not really arguments. We did have a few discussions where we tried to sort of convince each other of our position, but fundamentally we couldn't come to an agreement on that, and that's fine. You may not be able to come to a full, complete agreement on everything. You may not see eye to eye on everything.

What's important is that you have a kind of compromise with how things will functionally work. So are you being burnt out from these emotional conversations because you're trying to come to a consensus that you can't reach? So yeah, yeah, different things, like, sometimes in all relationships, not just romantic relationships, it comes down to what the conflict is about. There are some things that I can't fundamentally deal with when it comes to people.

Like, for example, I had to kind of walk away from a friendship because we had an interaction where I felt really judged by them, and I said, "You were really judging me in this situation. I'm not comfortable with that". And they're like, "Well, I'm a judgmental person". And I'm like, "Well, I'm not interested in being friends with a judgmental person". You know, there's billions of people on this planet, and I already have dealt with enough unsupportive people.

I don't really need any more unsupportive people in my life, and we haven't really talked since, and that sucks, and it makes me sad, but we can't come to an agreement on that, because they won't agree to stop being judgmental, at least around me, so that we can be friends, and I won't agree to sitting there and having them judge me. So yeah, if it comes to feeling burnt out from emotional conversations. I think that's because you're not putting in those boundaries that you need to and it's acceptable to put those in.

Just because someone's upset and someone feels like they need to discuss something, doesn't mean that overrides your own personal boundaries. As long as you're not permanently trying to avoid conflict, then I think it's fine to put in some personal boundaries to make sure that you actually have the emotional resources to address the situation. And I've referenced, and I've shared a lot of Haley Magee's work on people pleasing, so I will put the that in the show notes as well, but definitely check out Haley Magee's work for learning how to kind of have that balance of like, okay, yeah, there are every kind of relationship that you have will come with compromises, but it's still important to kind of put your own boundaries down.

I'm kind of feeling like the burnt outness is coming from you not being able to put boundaries down around those conversations.

My partner is always recommending stuff to me that was recommended to him by a metamour.

So this isn't really a question, and I'm not sure what stuff it is and what like there's more context that's sometimes needed. I did ask for these FAQ questions on Instagram, which does have a character limit, so sometimes it is quite limiting in terms of what information I can get from people. But I'm kind of getting the gist of this problem is that you feel like your relationship is becoming kind of like about another relationship? Which makes sense.

Let's say you had– it's not even necessarily about the metamour, right? Like, let's say you had a partner and they met this new person who was their new best friend. And they just love this– let's call them Jeff. They just, they thought Jeff was the bees fucking knees, right? And, like, every time they said something to you is like, "Oh, have you tried this new, new toothpaste? Jeff told me it was great, so I'm trying it now". Like you'd get sick of it. I don't even think that it's necessarily about the metamour.

It's like, All right, enough about Jeff. Like, I'm tired of hearing about Jeff. I think that, you know, just it's awkward as fuck. But I think I would just be honest about it, and I think it's gonna be a little bit tricky, because it does, because it is gonna seem a little bit like you're jealous. But honestly, who gives a fuck? Like, just if you feel like your relationship is becoming a little bit too much about other people, or, like, you know, you're feeling a little bit overwhelmed with the constant reminders, because it's feeling like that person.

I don't think it's necessarily about the metamor. I think it's, it's about like, "I feel like I'm in a relationship with Jeff", you know, like, I want to know what you think. I don't care what Jeff thinks, and that's okay. I think you can say, like, "Look, I appreciate that you're excited about this new relationship and that this person is bringing all sorts of things into your life that are really, really great. And I think that that's great too, but it is kind of feeling to me like I'm not in a relationship with you. I'm in a relationship with this other person, and I kind of want things that come from you".

And, you know, we all get recommended stuff by things and, you know, but they don't have to be like, "Oh, I've tried this new toothpaste. Jeff loves it". They could just be like, "Hey, I tried this new thing. Would you like to try it?" It doesn't have to be contextualized. You know what? I mean. That's information that's kind of not really necessary to convey so you can say, like you think that maybe before you recommend something to me, do you think you could just try it yourself? Because, all due respect to you the metamour I'm not really interested in the metamours recommendations.

I'm interested in you. Make the complaint less about like you're tired of hearing about Jeff and be more about "Hey, I actually I want to know more what you think you know. I want to be connected to you. I like that you recommend me things, but I see a recommending as a way to connect. And when you say that you're recommending me something because Jeff did it, I feel like I'm connecting with Jeff and not with you. So do you think that maybe you know you could try stuff on your own? That's fine, but I want to be connected to you. And I've got nothing against Jeff, but it's just that it makes me feel a little weird, and I want to be more connected to you".

So that's how I would handle that situation. Because I don't even think it's about the metamour. And you could bring that up as well, you'd be like, "I know this kind of seems like I'm being kind of harsh towards metamour, but really it would be the same if it was your mom, like, if all the time you were saying, hey, my mom said this, or if it was--", you know, name one of their friends that they have and say, "it would be the same if you were constantly talking about this person, like, I want to connect to you".

Instead of making it about, like, something, they're going to get defensive about, like, saying "You always do X", think about what it is that you actually want, right? I want to connect more with you. I want to feel more like this is coming from you, and make it about that, instead of focusing because they're like– you're going to get naturally defensive because they probably maybe don't even, they maybe don't even realize that they're doing it right. Sometimes we, you know, we get kind of obsessed with it's not even like from a person. I realize that I get really into stuff.

And sometimes like, even like, as an autistic person, I have to be like, "Look, if you don't care about this subject, please tell me, and I will stop talking about it", because I just get kind of really into things, and I don't recognize that, and I know that people can be really defensive about that because they don't know that they're doing it. So make it less about like, "Would you stop talking about Jeff? I really don't want to hear another damn thing about Jeff. If you bring up Jeff one more time, I'm gonna scream".

Instead be like, "Look, I get that. You're super excited about Jeff, and it seems like Jeff brings a lot of really cool stuff into your life, and that's awesome. I just want to be more connected with you. And sometimes when it feels like everything that you're recommending to me comes from Jeff, it just feels like I'm not actually connecting with you. I'm connecting with Jeff, and I'm sure Jeff is super great, but I'm interested in connecting with you". Right? So that's what I would do.

Can opening a relationship work when your motivation is to keep a relationship with that person

Yes and No is the simple answer to this question. I think it's sort of the same thing as if you're trying to make a relationship long distance to save that relationship. Fundamentally, when you make a relationship, an in person relationship, into a long distance relationship, that relationship is changing. It's not the same relationship.

So if you have the expectation in changing a in person relationship into a long distance relationship, that that relationship will be the same, then I think you're going to not have a good time, and it's not going to work. And that's not because of the people involved, but because the expectation is that, "Okay, we'll switch to long distance to save the relationship". But the relationship that you're trying to save is the in person one. And I think the same goes with opening a relationship in terms of non-monogamy, if what you're expecting is that your relationship will be the same, then it won't work.

Because fundamentally, when you open your relationship, even if you're opening it and you're not like, fully polyamorous, or however you want to describe it, you're just, maybe you're opening a relationship as far as like, sexual experiences – on a fundamental basis, non-monogamy is a choice where or a way of life, that your partner is not going to be spending as much time with you as they would typically spend with you if you were monogamous, the structure is fundamentally different, similar to in person versus a long distance relationship.

So if you expect that you're going to have the same relationship, it's not going to work. And it may work temporarily, because you may, you know, already have those habits grained in where you're spending a lot of time together, and then you go, "Okay, we're open now". And then, blah, blah, okay, it's just a theory, but you're not changing the amount of time you spend together. And then they try to date, and then they find a date, and then all of a sudden that changes. That is a really big, not so great shift that ends up happening, and then you're like, "Oh, crap, this relationship is different".

That's why I kind of always recommend to people, whenever they're starting out, if they're starting out in a monogamous couple and opening up, you have to decide, okay, how much time do you want to spend together? How much time you're going to have for other people, and immediately start spending that time, even if you don't have a date, you know, go out, take your self out on a date doesn't matter. Spend that time apart, because you are going to naturally have a little bit of mourning, even if you know long distance can work.

But expect yourself, you wouldn't expect yourself if you were moving from in person and long distance to not feel sad about no longer being able to have the same experiences in person with your partner as you generally would. So there is going to be some sadness there of okay, we used to spend all this time together, and now we don't, and that's reasonable and understandable to expect. But if you don't spend that time separately, and you wait until not only they have a new partner, but you're also now missing that time, then it's kind of like a double whammy. For no reason.

You don't have to take the double whammy at that time. You can actually deal with having that time apart and coping with that change first, and then you can deal with all the other whammy emotions that come in. So yeah, if your motivation, I think your motivation, if you're opening a relationship, there should be some personal motivation, as I what I call an anchor. There should be a personal reason that you're choosing to do it that doesn't have to deal with keeping the relationship going. Because I think that's really important.

I don't think it should be a last ditch effort to try and keep a relationship going, but it can work if you don't have the same expectations, like it's understandable to want to keep a relationship. I'm not saying that it's never, ever something that motivates people. Sometimes people are motivated to open a relationship because they don't want to break up, and then it ends up working out well for them, and that's fine.

But I think you have to have the expectation that things will change, that you will be spending time apart that you wouldn't or hadn't before, that you will have other partners, that there will be other challenges that will come up that wouldn't normally come up within a monogamous relationship, and for you to be anticipating that and know how to respond to that. But I think if you just do what some people do, which is, "Okay, we're going to open the relationship to save it. We're not going to have the discussions. We're not going to think about the time that we spend together and the time we spend apart".

Someone's eventually going to find a date. They're going to go out on a date. Emotions explode, and then we freak out and we close it like that, or we freak out and break up like I think it's because people don't realize that you're not keeping the monogamous relationship. This relationship is fundamentally changing in the exact same way it does. If you go from in person to long distance, you have to have a recognition that that relationship is fundamentally changing.

If you want it to "work" or whatever work means, if you want things to continue in some form or fashion, you have to accept that it's fundamentally going to change.