Is it a good idea to try polyamory just to avoid breaking up with your partner and are you insecure and traumatised if you're struggling to make it work?

That’s what’s on this week’s episode of Non-Monogamy Help.

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Podcast Transcript

I am new to the polyamorous relationship stuff and it’s because my girlfriend wanted to bring in an ex that’s one of her first loves and I’m ok with it but there are times it eats at me because of trauma from past relationships and I feel insecure and feel like I have to turn how I feel off because I can’t properly discuss these things in a healthy way with her. I need help because I want to eventually marry this girl and he seems like a good guy, even though he’s broken her heart before and I want to try to make a connection with him. What should I do?

Response

Okay, there’s a lot going on here. Are you actually interested in polyamory? Or are you doing it because you don't want to break up with your girlfriend? You say you're new to polyamorous relationships, which doesn't necessarily mean you're not interested in it, but it seems like you're doing it because your girlfriend wanted to date an ex.

That's not necessarily a bad thing, but I feel like the ex isn't the actual problem here. The fact that it's an ex she wants to date is obviously complicating the situation, but if you don't want polyamory and only opened up your relationship so she can date this one person, I don't think that's generally a good idea.

Are you actually looking for other partners? Are you interested in other partners? I ask because you say you want to marry this girl, which is fine - people can be married and polyamorous. But have you had any basic discussions about how polyamory fits into both of your lives?

Is this actually polyamory, or is it just her having permission to have an affair? I know you know about it, so it's not technically cheating, but have you really talked about dating other people and how those other people fit into your lives? I don't think it's because of trauma from past relationships that you feel insecure. There's a lot going on here that hasn't been discussed, based on your message.

Maybe you've had intensive conversations about polyamory, but from this message, I'm getting that you opened up your relationship because your girlfriend wanted to date an ex and have permission to do so. You're not necessarily looking for other partners, and I don't know if she's looking for partners outside of this ex.

That's not necessarily a great foundation, similar to how people used to decide to have a baby to bring themselves together and fix their relationship, which didn't work out well. Opening your relationship because somebody wants to date an ex, and you have to then decide to either break up or agree to this, is sometimes called "polyamory under duress." I don't know if I would necessarily apply that in every situation, but it doesn't seem like this is actually what you want.

It seems like what you want most of all is to not break up with this woman because you've decided you're going to marry her. That's fine, but you need to be able to say no to situations that don't actually serve you in life in general. If you opened this relationship purely because she wanted to date an ex (or anyone at all), I would be very hesitant about it. If you don't want polyamory, then it's not really going to work.

Agreeing to polyamory means agreeing to a situation where your partner doesn't spend as much time with you as you would typically get in a monogamous relationship. Some people are fine with that. Some can be monogamous to a polyamorous person. Some people are super independent or like their alone time, or they may feel overwhelmed by the standards typically expected in monogamous relationships, and polyamory offers them an option to have a relationship without having to have those standards.

I compare it to a monogamous relationship where your partner has a super intensive career or is in the military. Many people can't date those with high-powered careers where they don't spend a lot of time together. Many can't do long-distance relationships, even though they can do monogamy, because they want that time with their partner. That's perfectly valid.

So ask yourself: Are you okay with getting less time? Have you talked with your partner about whether marriage is on the cards? What does that mean for you both? Has she considered whether she wants to marry her other partner too? I think there are some key discussions you haven't had, and I wonder if that's because you're so afraid of breaking up and losing this person that you don't want to rock the boat.

Polyamory is not a good reason to avoid a breakup. Just because she wants to date an ex doesn't mean you have to agree. If you don't want to agree, it doesn't mean you're insecure or traumatized from a past relationship. It could simply mean you don't want polyamory. There are plenty of valid reasons why people don't want polyamory that have nothing to do with insecurity or trauma.

You need to decide if polyamory is something you actually want. Are you okay if she breaks up with this ex and finds someone new? How many other partners is she interested in having? Are you interested in having other partners? How will you balance time between your relationship and other relationships? What role does marriage play? These are big discussions you need to have that I feel like you haven't addressed.

When you agree to polyamory, you're essentially agreeing that your partner can date whomever they want. I understand that some people have a "no-no list," but I don't agree with that. I think you need to have basic trust in your partner. If you're genuinely worried and need to tell your partner not to date a family member, for example, there are bigger issues that a "no-no list" won't solve.

You're allowed to have feelings about your partner dating an ex, especially if you know the history or if your partner has complained about this ex before. But the expectation that you want to make a connection with him and get along with him isn't necessary. You don't have to like or get along with your metamour (the term for a person also dating your partner). It's great that you want to make a connection, but ultimately, the first question of whether or not you want polyamory may be the real obstacle.

You're allowed to decide, just like in a monogamous relationship where you don't get along with your partner's best friend, that you don't want to be around this person. You can be cordial and polite, but you can tell your partner, "Hey, I don't really like this person. That's fine if you like them, but I don't want to hang out with them. Can you let me know if you're going to have them around the house so I can make myself scarce?"

You can say, "You've told me a lot about this past situation, and I feel like I know too much about this ex to start off being friends. I need a little space." It's no different than if your best friend got back together with a terrible ex they had complained about, and you felt uncomfortable around that person.

You don't need to be immediately okay with everything. Polyamory isn't about being immediately okay with everything. That's not a requirement. You don't need to discuss individual partners beyond basic logistics and boundaries. There shouldn't be anything further to discuss unless you mean having those basic discussions about polyamory and how it fits into your life.

You should not be the person she goes to to voice concerns about her other relationship. It's fine that she vented to you about her ex before the situation changed, but now you're not an objective third party. You have a stake in this, and it's not an appropriate position for you to be in. It's not surprising that you feel like you have to turn off your feelings, and that's not fair to you.

You're allowed to say, "If you're sad, I'm happy to cheer you up and take care of you. You can let me know you're sad. But I know too much about this person, and it's hard for me to be the one to help you with this situation. You need to find someone else to help you with this because I'm not the right person."

The foundational question needs to be addressed: Are you actually interested in polyamory? Are you okay with getting less time? Have you had those functional discussions about other partners, or are you just agreeing to this because you don't want to break up? Polyamory is not a good choice if you're trying to avoid a breakup.

If you want to do polyamory, you need to have a solid grasp of what you want and what you don't want. You need to be able to say no to situations you're not okay with. If you can't make those difficult decisions and say no on your own behalf, you're going down a path of constant self-betrayal that will only lead to more pain, misery, resentment, or unhappiness.

People who are unable to clearly state their needs and say no to situations don't tend to have a good time in polyamory. With multiple partners, you have to be able to functionally decide what you want, communicate it, and sit with the discomfort of other people's disappointment in you. If you're a chronic people-pleaser, it's going to be really hard to navigate having multiple partners with potentially conflicting wants and needs.

Polyamory isn't a shortcut out of breaking up or a way to avoid disappointing people. You need to be able to advocate for yourself in these situations. If you can't, it's going to be very difficult.

I'm not saying you can't be polyamorous and married, but the fact that you're saying you want to marry this woman without having had conversations about how polyamory plays into both of your lives is concerning. Two people can be polyamorous and still incompatible in terms of how they want to practice polyamory, just like two monogamous people can be incompatible. Polyamory isn't necessarily a gateway to compatibility.

If you decide polyamory is for you and you definitely want to do this - whether you're going to be looking for other partners or you're such an independent person that you don't mind getting less of your partner's time - then you need to accept that you can't control who your partner dates. You can control how involved you are. You can ask for some distance from this metamour because you know too much about their previous relationship.

You need to not be the person she talks to about what's going on in that other relationship. She needs to find another source of support. It's understandable that you want to be involved, but if it's causing mental health issues, then don't. You're not obligated to do that. You can ask for separation or distance from that situation, whether it's asking her not to tell you about the details or asking her to let you know if she's going to bring him over so you can make yourself scarce.

Make sure you're not going into details with each other about your other relationships. It's not an appropriate place to put yourself. You're not an objective third party. You both need objective third parties to talk about relationships with.

People should talk about their relationships with their friends, with respect to privacy. Friends are there to protect you, support you, and be on your side. There's a reason why, in abusive relationships, abusers try to take their partners away from their friends and support networks. It's very important for people to have friendships outside of their romantic relationships, whether monogamous or polyamorous, and to talk with friends about what's going on in their romantic relationships.

You shouldn't be that support network for her when it comes to her other relationship. You can support her if she's sad, give her a hug, cheer her up. She can tell you she's feeling sad because of other relationship issues. But you're not there to be the therapist or the friend she needs in that situation. You can't be that because now you're too involved to be objective.

I hope this helps, and good luck!