That’s what’s on this week’s episode of Non-Monogamy Help.

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Podcast Transcript

I'm at a bit of a loss here and although I feel like a bit of a fraud reaching out, I'm looking for any sort of soft sounding board.

I've been with my partner for 10 years (as of today in fact) and our relationship is in a great place, we're both extremely happy together and have a beautiful 3 year old.

However, I received the results from a second DNA test today that confirms that my partner is not the biological father of our child. The biological father is someone I spent the night with which my partner knew about and consented to.

The chances that this other person is the father were crazy slim, but obviously there was a chance. The other person is kind and good but we don't interact or talk, as he lives in another state and that wasn't the arrangement. It is likely that they will not be interested in being heavily involved in my child's life, but it's possible. They're also already a bit perplexed by life in general so it feels like throwing this wrench in wouldn't be beneficial.

Anyways, I have no idea how to approach this. I haven't told my partner the results yet because I wanted to have a plan and ensure it's the right moment. We both knew it was a possibility when we sent in the second test, but I think we both truly thought it couldn't be true.

So, when, who, and how should we tell the biological father, our daughter, our community? Do we have to? I know it's the right thing to do, but our life is so seamless and easy right now and my partner and child are so enamoured with each other that it only feels like we're opening a can of worms that is likely better if we just keep shut.

Also, I feel like I've failed all three of them and the guilt is heart wrenchingly numbing.

Response

First and foremost, I think you need to consult a lawyer. I say that because I don't necessarily know the legal rights of the biological paren t, and I think before you make any big decisions —

There is a chance that this person may want to be involved, and whether or not you tell them, I think it's good to know your legal rights around that. If there's no way that you want this person to show up and contest parenthood, for whatever reason, or bring you to court, it's worth checking what your rights are and what this person's rights are as the biological father.

There may be something like giving up parenthood - the word is totally escaping my head - but there may be something this person can do to officially give up their parental rights. I don't know if that varies state to state, so again, I would really consult a lawyer first and foremost to figure out what scenarios could happen and be ready for those situations.

Personally, it's hard for me to really know what should be done because I'm only hearing about your judgment and assessment of this other person. If I was in the situation, I think it would depend on the history I had with this person. I would err on the side of telling the guy, not because I think biological and blood relations are important or more meaningful than non-biological - I don't think that at all - but because I am disabled and have conditions.

While they're not necessarily genetic, I think I would want to know biological considerations for the child, if there's anything that could be passed on or anything they need to be aware of for their medical history. I would want to tell the guy just so I would have that background, because it sounds like this was kind of a hook-up arrangement, and it's unlikely that you got a full medical history.

I'd first consult a lawyer about what would happen if this person does want to be involved in your child's life and what the legal ramifications are of not telling this person. I'd also keep in mind that the child may want to know this information in the future. I would speak to a child psychologist about when and how to introduce this subject to a child.

When I was looking into adoption, I learned it's actually illegal to hide adoption from a child or to tell an adopted child that you're their biological parent. Obviously, this is a little bit different because it's a one-off situation, but I would check with a child psychologist about the impact this can have and the impact of hiding it if you decide to hide it. I would speak with people who are more experienced than I am about the psychological impact rather than assuming it's better for the child to hide it.

Remember again that biology is biology, and there are some times when that is important, like I said, for conditions or health reasons, but it doesn't have to necessarily reflect any emotional truths. I think you know that, and obviously, your partner and this child have a really good connection. So I think you can see that day to day, but I would double-check with people who are more experienced about the consequences of any decision you make, legally and psychologically for the child, just to make sure you're going down the best possible route.

If this person is not wanting to be involved in your child's life, then I don't think your community needs to know. It's really none of their business. If you had gone the surrogacy route for whatever reason, and you were carrying an egg that wasn't yours, I don't think that would need to be disclosed either - it's your personal business.

I think you should seek therapy for yourself - you've not failed anybody in this situation. This kind of stuff happens. The way I see this situation working out: either the biological father doesn't want to be involved in the child's life, and that's fine because the child already has parents who love and care for them.

Maybe you tell them, depending on what the child psychologist says, maybe you don't. There may be medical reasons to disclose, but that's not the worst thing in the world. It's a little bit different and may not be the stereotypical way people have had children, but it's not terrible. It's survivable and not worthy of you beating yourself up.

In the other case, maybe this person does want to have involvement in your child's life. After consulting a lawyer and understanding where that goes, and speaking to the child psychologist about this, it's possible that your child could have another person in their life who cares and can contribute to their benefit - you've got one more person.

Interestingly, the main reason I was interested in polyamory first and foremost was because I thought having just two parents for a child wasn't actually enough support. I wanted the children I might have to have multiple adults in their life who cared for them because I thought that was more stable.

If you look at the way children have grown up in human societies over years past, having a two-parent household is actually an anomaly. Kids used to be raised together in villages by multiple adults, multiple caregivers, grandparents, and previous generations. The idea that only two people are responsible for a child is actually not that common. In many cultures, it's super common for aunts and uncles and all sorts of people within the family to contribute to child-rearing.

So having one additional person who has the opportunity to contribute to the betterment of your child's life is not necessarily a bad thing. Obviously, just having a parent present doesn't always mean they're a good parent - I know that from experience - but overall, it's not a terrible thing, and there's no failure in that.

I definitely recommend seeking therapy for yourself to address these feelings of guilt. This is just a possibility that could happen, and it's not the end of the world. It sounds like you both really care for and love your child. Speaking as someone who would have really appreciated having parents like you - I mean, I don't know you intimately, so I'm not saying I wish you were my parents, but you obviously care a lot for your kid. Even though I know that's the way parents should be, there are a lot of parents who aren't. Take it a little easy on yourself.

I’m not interested in becoming a parent anymore but something that's really helped me is looking up “gentle parenting”. I think “gentle parenting” is getting a weird bad name on some parts of the internet, but the Indomitable Black Man has some really good parenting resources. There's also Jon, Whole Parenting - I think it's "whole parent" or "whole parenting" as his blog. I mostly consume these resources on TikTok, but look up some gentle parenting resources. They can be really helpful for being more compassionate towards yourself and learning how to parent in a brain-based way. Mr. Chaz (C-H-A-Z) is also really good with brain-based compassionate understanding, parenting, and understanding how your mind and nervous system work.

This can be really helpful towards being more compassionate. It will benefit you as a parent but also benefit your feelings toward yourself. I have a huge and long history with being negative towards myself, and self-compassion has really been the main way I've been able to deal with anxiety and overcome it. Understanding why this is happening and getting to a better place through re-parenting my inner child - which might sound silly to some people - has been incredibly helpful.

Speak to a therapist about this. I don’t think it has to be as negative as it sounds. I know this isn’t within the cultural script of monogamy or the ideal scenario and there’s lots of ways this script will paint you and your partner as being irresponsible or bad because you had a fun arrangement that you weren’t supposed to have and look at what happened! But really, this is not the worst thing in the world. I think if anything maybe it makes things a bit more complex but at the end of the day this child has two people in their life who care about them and that is honestly a great thing so be a little bit easier on yourself.

To sum up: consult a lawyer first and foremost about rights and if there's any way this person can officially relinquish their parental responsibilities, both for your sake and for theirs, then they don’t have to worry about child support. Figuring out what the rights are is a good thing for you both to do. I personally can't tell you what the right thing is to do because I don't know this person's temperament. I think I would lean towards telling the biological father, mostly because of medical considerations and family history that you might need to know. But I would do that after talking to a lawyer.

I would also speak to a child psychologist. The child's three now, and from my understanding of child development, they're not even in a place to have this kind of discussion right now. But it's good to plan ahead and think about the future. If you tell the father and they don't want to be involved and relinquish their parental rights, the child may still be interested in knowing that later. Also, if something medical comes up and you need to tell doctors that your partner isn't the biological father, your child may need to know that for medical reasons. I would speak to a child psychologist about what the best way is to introduce this subject since it’s illegal to hide in the case of adoption, though obviously this is different.

Unless there is involvement by the father, I don't think your community needs to know - it's nobody's business. If you're in a traditional monogamous community and worried about judgment, make up a lie if you need to. I would also speak to a therapist about that and about the guilt you're having. Check out the gentle parenting resources I've mentioned because they'll help not just with parenting but with how you speak to yourself and how much compassion you give yourself.

This is not the worst thing in the world. It happens. It is what it is. You can't control or change what's happened in the past. You can only go forward with this information. Beating yourself up about it won't make the situation any easier - it'll just make you feel worse. Seek out some therapy and talk about this. At least from my perspective, this three-year-old has people who really care about them, and that is a heck of a great start in life - a start that a lot of people wish they had.

My words probably won't be enough to shift those feelings completely, and that requires more work, but for what it's worth, I really don't think you have anything to feel guilty over. This happens, and it's okay. You care, and that is a lot more than some people have gotten in their lives. I hope that helps, and good luck.