That’s what’s on this week’s episode of Non-Monogamy Help.

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Podcast Transcript

I have a question regarding me after all being more monogamous orienting, but madly in love with my girlfriend who is poly(am) and has another partner.

Each time I struggle so insanely hard and its causing me trouble for a few days. I’m scared I have to -in respect for both our peace- to let her free and say [to] her I cant deal with being poly[am] anymore.

I have too many fears of losing her and its affecting both of us. Can you share some insight or experience on how to hold a conversation like that?

Response

So first and foremost, there are quite a few people who are monogamous to polyamorous people - that is something that is possible. I don't naysay that. I know there are probably some people who say that is an impossible thing. I think it is fully possible to be a monogamous person dating a polyamorous person and be okay with that. However, I think there are a few things you should ask yourself before deciding either way that this isn't going to work for you.

The first thing that I think is important is, as I've said many times in the podcast and in the column, agreeing to a situation where you are in a polyamorous relationship with somebody, even if you aren't polyamorous yourself, means that you are agreeing to a situation where your partner does not spend the vast majority of their time with you. That is where, I think, regardless of emotions, regardless of jealousy, regardless of your feelings around sex, that is where a lot of people don't want to say yes to polyamory because you are agreeing to a situation where you get less time with your partner than you would get typically in a monogamous situation.

There are a few monogamous situations where people wouldn't want to be in those relationships, even monogamously, because of that decreased time. There are a lot of monogamous people who have time-intensive careers. There are a lot of monogamous people who are very independent or who have time-intensive hobbies and who can't spend the vast majority of their time with their partner. And a lot of people don't want that - they can be monogamous, but they can't be monogamous to a person who won't spend that much of their time with them.

So I think that's the first thing that you need to work out. Ask yourself, "Could you be in monogamous relationships like that? Is it about the time that you don't get with your partner?" Before you kind of go into these feelings that you have, which I think are pretty typical, even if you were interested in polyamory. If you feel like, "Yeah, I don't mind the decreased time. It works with how I want my life to be for a variety of reasons." Even if you are monogamous, there might be many reasons why you might not mind the decreased time.

If that's not a factor, I think the other thing that I would encourage you to think about is if you have a personal reason outside of saving this relationship to be interested in having a polyamorous relationship. Where I see monogamous relationships - like monogamous people in a relationship with a polyamorous person - working out really well is where that monogamous person is, for whatever reason, not interested in necessarily pursuing other relationships, and they're fine being independent, or they like having the extra time to themselves, or they also have a time-intensive job or hobby which takes up the vast majority of their time.

In some cases, for those monogamous people, it can actually be quite a relief to be in a polyamorous relationship where their partner is able to get attention from other sources and they don't then have to be the kind of stereotypical monogamous source of everything. There are a lot of reasons why I think monogamous people in general should rethink the idea that their romantic partner is their everything. There are a lot of problems actually within monogamy where people sort of think that their partner is a replacement for all of their friends and lose active social networks that they once had before they were partnered.

So there's a lot of reasons why somebody who is monogamous might see a personal benefit that isn't just saving the relationship for being in a polyamorous relationship. Does that describe you in any way? I absolutely understand wanting to save relationships, and it's not that I think that is necessarily a bad sort of source of impetus to start or try polyamory, because I do think that that can work as well. There are lots of things that we sort of try out for our partner, like maybe even moving to a new city, moving to a town that we wouldn't have picked for ourselves, but we try it out, and then we go, "Okay, this isn't so bad."

So I do think there are some situations where we're kind of motivated by not wanting to break up, that we decide, "Okay, we'll try this and we'll go along with it," and it's not, you know, it's liveable and it's acceptable, and we're willing to pay, as Dan Savage calls it "the price of admission." Dan Savage actually calls it now "Tolyamory," which I think is really a funny word, but is that your situation?

The only reason I would hesitate — I call this an anchor - like a personal reason for being interested in polyamory, even if you are monogamous. And the reason why I think it's important that this isn't just to save the relationship is because fundamentally, any monogamous relationship - and you don't say whether you began this relationship monogamously or not - but if you begin from a monogamous relationship and you move into a polyamorous relationship, the foundations of that relationship are changing, and it's not the same relationship.

So if you agree to polyamory in order to save the relationship in its current state, it's not really what you're doing. It's sort of like agreeing to a long-distance relationship so that you can save a relationship with the idea that agreeing to long distance is going to be the same as an in-person relationship. It's not the same, and so you can't have that in mind, like just agreeing to it so that you can avoid a breakup, because it is fundamentally different.

The relationship that you're trying to save by agreeing to polyamory has, in effect, already died and gone, and you're kind of still expecting that. And then some of these emotions are not necessarily from polyamory not working for you, but you expecting to have that time in the same relationship that you had with this person that you once had, which is not going to come back.

So maybe there is a personal reason for you wanting to be in a polyamorous relationship that doesn't revolve around not losing this relationship, and I would encourage you to think about it and really think about the future that you want for yourself, and not just this relationship and saving this relationship. Be genuine and honest with yourself about, "Do you want this reduced time?"

I really would encourage people, because I have been in this situation before - not necessarily involving polyamory as a decision, but around other decisions where I have, because I kind of get swept in the new relationship energy, or just wanting to save a relationship, agreed to situations that I didn't want, because I just wanted to save the relationship, and I didn't want to break up, and I wanted to keep that in my life. And that is a pitfall, and it leads towards self-betrayal, and ultimately, if you're not happy in whatever decision you choose to make, even if it means keeping the relationship, that's going to come out one way or another.

So really think about those two first questions. I would say that it's not necessarily a sign - I mean, you describe yourself as being more monogamous-orienting. However, I would say, even if you were polyam-orienting, or regardless of how you feel, it would not be unexpected for you to struggle. You don't say how long you've been together. You don't say if you started off as monogamous and you decided to open up.

So I'm unsure of the full context of the situation, but it's very, very normal for even people who are polyamory-oriented to when they're in a relationship and their partner is visiting another partner or seeing another partner, especially for the first time, it's very, very typical to have a really hard time with it and to struggle.

I don't know if you're expecting yourself to be totally okay with things, but I would expect you to struggle, regardless of how oriented you felt towards monogamy or polyamory or anything else, because you have no social script for polyamory. The social script that you're given is for monogamy - you've had your entire life with everything that you've grown up in, unless you grew up in a completely different society. You've been told that monogamy is how people love each other, and that's the examples you've been given. That's the context you've been given.

And now you're a social creature who is going into a completely different context. And that is a new thing. It's very, very expected for you to feel anxious and for it to be really, really hard and be maybe even like mentally difficult, maybe cause you a little bit of a meltdown. Those are normal things.

I know in relationships, especially when I was starting off in relationships, and we were just kind of building our foundations of trust, the first couple of nights that my partner - not even spent on dates, just like going out and going out to parties - I was incredibly nervous. I had a horrible time because we were just building our foundations with each other. And I was having to kind of sit in that discomfort.

And then over time, I found that as we kind of grew to trust each other, and I could say, "Okay, they came back”, and I sat through that discomfort and I saw that I didn't die and that nothing happened and it was okay. I felt a lot better. So I don't necessarily think those feelings are a sign that it's not working for you. I would say it's actually quite expected, and I wouldn't be, you know - it depends. I can't tell you what your own personal kind of barometer is for how much you're willing to tolerate.

There are some discomforts that people like, "Well, this isn't worth it for me." If you have no personal reason for being interested in polyamory, that's kind of like why I encourage people to have an anchor. Because when you are going through some of these ups and downs, you can go back to that anchor and say, "Okay, this is why I've chosen this. This is why I'm interested in this." And that can really, really help ground you.

But if you have no interest in this, and if what you want is your partner's time, you know it's perfectly valid. It's not a source of insecurity or jealousy to want your partner's time and to want to have the majority of that time, just like it's not insecurity if you don't want to have a long-distance relationship because you want someone who's physically near you - it's just a preference of how you would prefer to live your life.

So I wouldn't consider those fears - like just feeling crappy when your partner is out with somebody else - I think is pretty normal. However, one thing that I would really encourage you to think about: you have fears of losing her, but the thing that I've talked about (and if you go to nonmonogamy.help.com/101 and /102 articles, I talk about the fear of losing a partner) because that is quite typical and quite normal for most people to experience.

But the thing that I sort of encourage people to rethink is that monogamy, in and of itself, doesn't prevent you from losing a partner. If your fear is that your partner is going to see someone else, fall in love with someone else, and leave you - monogamy doesn't protect you from that. Nothing can really protect you from that. Somebody can fall in love with somebody at any point in time, unless you plan on keeping your partner locked away in a tower.

There is no mechanism by which you can prevent your partner from falling out of love with you and leaving you - there really isn't. Obviously, you can be an ass, you can be a jerk to them, you can mistreat them, and that will give them more of a reason not to want to be with you. But outside of just being who you are and being the best you can be and putting effort into your relationship, there isn't anything you can do to completely and wholly prevent your partner from leaving you.

Monogamy feels safer because it's a socially encouraged script. We follow the script. We feel a bit safer because we're told that this is how the script goes. But that's not necessarily how it goes. There are plenty of monogamous people who are with their partners for decades, meet someone at work who they don't have permission to be with, end up kind of socially interacting with them, end up becoming attracted to them, sometimes end up falling in love with them and falling out of love with their partner - it's not unheard of.

And so I would really encourage you to challenge that assumption within yourself that your partner dating somebody else is definitely going to result in them leaving you. Obviously there are more direct threats when your partner is actively allowed to be flirtatious and romantic with other people in a way that doesn't feel quite as imminent when you're monogamous, but when you really look at it, and when you really think about it, you can't really ever prevent that. That's not preventable.

I would really encourage you to work with a therapist about this kind of - I think I understand why people are afraid to lose a relationship, I absolutely understand that. We're social creatures. It hurts to lose relationships. It's not an unreasonable thing to be afraid of. However, I do think that there becomes a point where being so afraid to lose a relationship that either you agree to things you don't want or you don't speak up for yourself, ends up becoming a process of self-betrayal that I think, in my personal experience, is far worse than being alone.

So I would really try to unpack why you're afraid to lose your relationship outside of just the obvious - like obviously it sucks. No one wants to be dumped, no one wants to be broken up with. It's not the best situation in the world, but if you're so afraid of this that it's causing you to make decisions that you don't want for yourself, that is kind of the point where you really have to unpack that a bit.

Maybe this is the cultural context I have been in my whole life, especially coming from situations where I've seen people stay in abusive relationships, really horrible abusive relationships, and I've sat there and, you know, a lot of people have this narrative, or have seen this type of narrative, where people are so afraid to leave their partner. Now, obviously, when we're talking about physically life-threatening relationships, that's a bit different. The fear of leaving a partner then is slightly different.

But in situations, you know, even in situations where no one's being abusive, and it's just not what this person wants - there's so many times when people are so afraid to either be single, they're so afraid to be alone, they're so afraid of pain that they think that the better solution is to stay in a relationship which doesn't serve them. And I just don't want that for anybody. I get really freaked out when anyone kind of says, "Oh, I can't lose this person," or "We can't break up. Breaking up is not an option."

I also see it from the other side, and maybe that will help you to kind of reframe this thinking of it from the other side: Would you want your partner to stay with you if they were miserable just because they were afraid to be alone? Would you want someone - you know, I don't think that you want someone who is choosing you because they're afraid. You want someone who is choosing you because they actively want you in their life.

You want someone who's making an enthusiastic, happy decision to include you in their life. You don't want someone who's just staying with you because they're afraid to be alone, or they're afraid of loss, or they're afraid of pain. I mean, some people maybe do, but I certainly don't.

So I would, you know - I'm not saying that this is a ridiculous thing to be afraid of, because it's very understandable, and I think most people are afraid to a reasonable and understandable extent of pain, but the point is not to be so afraid of it that you end up in situations that are actually far more painful. They're just far, far less noticeably painful, or maybe the pain is delayed to a later point in time, which you're gonna kind of regret and go, "Oh, maybe I shouldn't have done that," because you were so worried about avoiding pain that you didn't really think about that.

So yeah, there are a lot of things for you to think about before you have a conversation with your partner about this, because at the end of the day, I think you need to figure out if this is actually the decision that you want to make. I don't think it's about respect of both of your peace. Because I think your assumption that if you were polyamorous-oriented, that you would not have these strong emotions - I don't think that's true.

I think that it's very understandable for you to have very strong emotions, especially if you began monogamously. And again, you don't say if you have or not, but I think having strong emotions is very understandable. You don't necessarily have complete control over the emotions that you experience, but you do have control over the actions that you take, and you can take steps towards getting therapy and working through those emotions with somebody else. So it doesn't have to be your partner that works through them with you, and she may not actually be the best person to work through them with you, so you can make some decisions around that.

But I don't necessarily think that even if you were totally happy with and didn't have any problems when your partner went out with somebody else, if this isn't what you genuinely want for your life - if you actually want more time with your partner, if you can't imagine yourself 10 years from now in the same situation - then I don't think you should be in that situation. Even if it's not about peace, it's not about letting her be free, or whatever it's about - what is it that you want? Is this the situation that you actually want?

I don't think that you should kind of martyr yourself because it's making her sad that you're sad like that's not the solution here. You know if there are reasons, genuine, personal reasons, why you're interested in polyamory and you're expecting yourself to be totally fine with everything and to never have any strong emotions. That's not a fair expectation to put on yourself.

And you know your partner is going to have to sit in the discomfort of you being unhappy in some instances, that's also part of polyamory. We have to make decisions about our time. If we have more than one partner, we may have a double booking. We may have two partners who want us to go to two different events at the same time, and we have to make a decision, and then we have to voice our decision, and then we have to sit in the discomfort that maybe one partner will be unhappy about that.

So polyamory is not just this sort of like, beautiful place where we can — everyone's copacetic and everyone's happy and nobody ever has to deal with any sad or negative emotions. That's not a realistic expectation. And this isn't about, you know, her having the freedom to just sleep with whomever she wants or have relationships with whomever she wants without anyone ever feeling a way about it. That's not realistic, either.

Before you have a conversation about this and decide whether or not that this is for you, I think you you have some personal, internal exploring to do about what you want for your own future, and I don't think that you should make a decision about this based on “peace” and based on her being free. I think you should make the decision based on what you want for your life and where you want to go, and whether or not this is something that is in your best interests, and whether it's something that you actually want for yourself.

To sum up, like there are a couple of questions and stuff to explore with yourself. Maybe talk to a therapist about exploring kind of like the fears of losing your partner and the assumption that many people make that monogamy is kind of a safer route. It's not necessarily a safer route. And ask yourself, what is it that you actually want for yourself, instead of making a decision based on what will give her the most happiness.

Your happiness needs to be something that you prioritize. I'm not saying, “Don't care about anybody's happiness but your own”. I'm saying that you need to make your decision based off of what you want in your life and not based on what will make her more peaceful or happy. What will make you more peaceful and happy? That's really important. So yeah, I hope that helps, and good luck.