That’s what’s on this week’s episode of Non-Monogamy Help.

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Podcast Transcript

Partner has a crush on someone. When I met them, they were condescending and cold to me. He hasn't started dating them and I have real hesitation and concern about if he does. Should I bring it up with him now before anything happens between them? If so, any recommendations how?

Response

There's a lot in this question that I don't necessarily have context for. I'm personally very solo—I'm now much more solo polyamorous, than I have been in the past. I'm very much parallel. I'm very much a person who really— I'm not against meeting metamours, but I'm very much against the idea that you have to get along with metamours, and I'm very much wanting people in the polyamory community to encourage people to be okay with not having relationships with metamours.

Because I think we say "there's no one right way to do polyamory," but I feel like this sort of implicit belief that a lot of people have is that obviously the ideal way to be polyamorous is to be friends with metamours, is to get along with them. There's the whole "kitchen table style polyamory," which has become a new phrase, which I've had to learn that didn't exist when I was starting out—the idea that you should be cordial, you should get along with them.

And I think that the problem that I have with that is that there's no similar expectation for people to get along with somebody's friends, right? Like, obviously, even in monogamy, if we get along with our partner's friends, that's great, but there's no expectation that you have to be really good friends with them. And if our partner was like, "it's really important for me for you to get along with my friends" and forced—I want to say playdates, but obviously we're not children—but you know what I mean, like forced social interaction, we would understandably find that uncomfortable.

Whereas I feel like in polyamory, there's so much forced social interaction between metamours that people either force themselves to do or they feel compelled to do from partners. I usually think it's a self-enforced thing rather than someone going "it's important for you to get along with my [partners]," or people kind of want that so badly that they force themselves into really uncomfortable social situations, or just really awkward social situations that don't feel good—like you can't force a friendship to happen.

Same with kind of in-laws—I think sometimes there are questions like this in relationship forums with monogamy, where you don't get along with your partner's family, and that happens, and you can still be cordial and still be nice, but you don't have to force yourself to hang out with them.

So the context of this is like, I don't know if you and your partner have both had a discussion about how you get along with metamours. Are you a kitchen table style? Are you trying for that? Do you know whether or not this metamour wanted to meet you, or if they felt forced.

There have been situations where I've forced myself to meet metamours because someone used me to cheat. There have been situations where I forced myself to try and get along with metamours because I thought that that was the best thing to do for polyamory, and that I would be the ideal polyamorous person, the best partner in the world if I got along with metamours. And I have been kind of a dick sometimes in situations where I've forced myself into those situations—I felt bitter and unhappy and resentful, and I've taken it out on people, and I am definitely apologetic for that.

But I wonder: is this metamour condescending and cold because they're a jerky person, or are they condescending and cold because they didn't want to have this, they didn't feel ready for it? Maybe they felt forced. What's the context around this? And I think you need to figure that out.

You don't put that in your letter—it's a very short letter. So I don't want to immediately just go, "oh, this person's a jerk." Because maybe they weren't having a good day, maybe they didn't want to have this. Maybe this felt like it was too rushed. And you know, you say your partner has a crush on someone, so why are you meeting them so soon? I don't know why there needs to be a meet-up so soon. Maybe they're very new to polyamory, and they're very anxious about it.

There's all sorts of reasons, aside from them being just genuinely a jerk, that they could have come off as cold and condescending, or not known how to socially interact, or even been a little condescending. I mean, sometimes people—I'm not saying it's okay for someone to be condescending to you—but sometimes people do act like dicks in uncomfortable social situations. It happens.

So I'm wondering, find out the context around that. The other thing that kind of concerns me about this is, what are you expecting by bringing this up to your partner? Because I totally understand wanting a situation where you get along with your metamours. But at the end of the day, I don't think, even for people who want kitchen table style polyamory, that that's a realistic thing to expect.

And I don't think it's fair to come to your partner—I mean, it's very similar to — what is your partner going to do about it? What do you expect your partner to do about it? But I think it is tricky, because if this person is genuinely an ass, if someone's treating you poorly, you would hope that your partner wouldn't want to be with them, not because you want to control what your partner is doing or control who they're dating, but you would hope that your partner would see someone treating you poorly and want to do something about it, or want to not date someone who was being a jerk to you because someone's hurting you, and you would hope that your partner would care about that.

So it becomes less about the fact that your partner is interested in a jerk or trying to control who they date, and more about the fact that your partner maybe—I don't know, if they witnessed this person being cold and condescending to you and didn't do anything about it. That's a kind of separate issue. That's kind of less about who your partner dates, and more about the fact that you have a concern that your partner is seeing you being hurt and isn't doing anything about it, or isn't saying anything about it.

And I do think when people are new to polyamory, and they're in a situation where two of their partners are being mean to each other—and I think this is true even in monogamy in situations where their families are being mean to their partner—a lot of people really don't know what to do in situations where two people that they care about (and you said your partner has a crush on this person, so it's not developed into a relationship, but even with a crush, even when people have two friends who are fighting), it's really hard to know what to do in those situations, who to defend, who's "side" to pick, or sometimes it's easier to just not pick a side.

And it's very overwhelming and difficult for that person. So I want to acknowledge as well that if you have a fear around your partner not sticking up for you or not saying anything when they see you being hurt, it may not necessarily be as simple for them as, "oh, my partner's being hurt, I should say something," but it might be two people that they care about are not getting along, and they really don't know what to do about it. And especially in polyamory, where there are no social scripts, there are no social models, there's no media about this where they can think about what they might do ahead of the situation.

So sometimes people kind of get into a freeze mode, and they're in their nervous system of like, "I literally don't know what the hell to do." So whether or not you should bring this up with them, I think really depends upon what it is that you're hoping will change, and what your expectations are and how metamours actually fit into your life.

So if you and your partner have both explicitly discussed wanting kitchen table style polyamory—and I think I still would, in this case, you've only met them once, maybe they were having a bad day—I probably wouldn't bring it up to your partner just now. Like, in my personal experience, whether or not you were interested in kitchen table or not, usually I like to give people a chance in any situation.

If this was a friend who had a partner that I was meeting, or a friend who had a crush, I try to give people at least one chance to have a bad day, to come back to the situation and say, okay, have another meet with them, see how things go. If it's a pattern of behaviour, then maybe I would bring it up.

But I don't think that you should immediately start to panic, because, again, we don't know—like, sometimes when people write letters and they say stuff like "someone was mean to me," the person was actually super, super abusive and terrible. So I don't know how cold or condescending they were to you, what they specifically said to you. In some cases where somebody said something very specifically, truly horrible to me, I think I would have just said something in that moment.

But I think in this situation, given the information that I know, I don't know that you should necessarily bring it up, because it seems like you're trying to stop them. You say, "Should I bring it up with him now, before anything happens between them," almost as if you bringing it up is going to affect—like, this person, genuinely, this person could be lovely to him and just not like you. That's also another possibility, and it's okay if they don't like you. It's okay if you don't like them.

I mean, yeah, let's not be jerks to one another, let's try to be cordial and be nice. But just because they don't like you, should they bring that up with your partner? And should your partner dump you? Like, no.

So I think I would give it another try, give them another chance, see if maybe they were having a bad day. I would probably ask my partner—I don't know how long you've been together, or what the situations were around, whether you started monogamously or not. Sometimes that does have context, but I think in my situation, if I felt like someone was being a little bit condescending, I might not even notice it.

To be honest with you, sometimes people can be jerks to me and I don't even notice it, or I just go ahead and let it slide when maybe I shouldn't. But I think if I noticed it, I might say to my partner, like, "Hey, was that—did they want to meet me just yet?" Like, even if my partner had come to me and they're like, "Oh, would you like to meet this person? We're not together, but they're like my kind of crush," I would kind of be like, "Do I need to meet them? Like, what's the reason we're meeting?"

Is it just because, oh, like, we're meeting each other in town, and it just so happens to be in a kind of exchange, or it's not really like a meet-up, per se, but we're just going to happen to meet in the same public context? That's one thing. But I think if it was a scheduled meetup, like, why—they just have a crush on them? Do you have an approval thing? Because I don't think that you should have that.

If you have some kind of situation where you meet each other's partners and vet them, I definitely don't think you should be doing that at all. You need to be able to trust your partner, and you need to be able to let them date who they want. And just because you don't like who they're dating doesn't mean that they're a bad person, and doesn't mean that they shouldn't date them.

So yeah, in general, let me sum up, because I've rambled: I think I would probably not bring it up right now, because anything could be why they were doing that. If I met them again, and it was a situation where I knew that they were cool to meet me, I think I would pay attention to it. I would probably say something in the moment—like I wouldn't run to my partner, because it'd be the same as if I met a friend's friend.

I don't expect my partner to shield me from people's behaviour, even if they're dating them. I'm capable of standing up for myself. So I think that if someone's cold and condescending to you—and maybe this is something that you can talk with a therapist with, or work with a therapist with—say something in the moment for yourself, like stand up for yourself in the moment.

You don't have to take shit from people just because they're dating your partner, and you don't have to go through them to address the behaviour. They're grown adults. Your partner’s a grown adult. Address the situation as it happens and say, "I don't like the way you just spoke to me. Please don't speak to me like that." You don't need your partner's permission to stick up for yourself, and if they have a problem with you sticking up for yourself, and if they think that you need to go through them, that's a problem in and of itself.

So I definitely wouldn't ask your partner about it. I may have been curious, I may have been like, "Oh, did they want to meet me?" depending upon the situation, but I definitely wouldn't expect my partner to act on my behalf. I would act on my own behalf.

And if I met them again, and if they were cold—that's fine. I'm fine with that because I can come off cold. Sometimes people just aren't super social people, and that's fine. I wouldn't take that personally, but if they were deliberately or even half-heartedly condescending to me—I mean, depending on the day that I had—I wouldn't see this as my partner's responsibility to mitigate or to address. I would see it as my responsibility to mitigate or address.

And I would say to them directly, "I don't like the way you spoke to me. Please don't speak to me like that. You're being really condescending to me. Please don't do that." And I don't know how old you are—I know that like when I was in my early 20s, I would have really struggled with this kind of stuff and probably just brushed it off.

I would really encourage you in general, in life—and this is simple for me to say, but it's not easy to do—but I would really encourage you to think about how you can stick up for yourself in these situations, even when it's uncomfortable, because I do feel like a lot of times when people experience someone being condescending to them and they don't say anything about it, I think that collects over time, and I think it's like a little mini self-betrayal when you don't stand up for yourself.

What you're showing to yourself is that—if you imagine, this is kind of kitsch and a little silly, but if you imagine the inner child version of yourself, or the younger version of yourself, and a lot of anxiety, or a lot of my anxiety, and my experience with my anxiety is like my inner child trying to protect me, and that seems very hokey, but it's been more helpful for me to imagine it that way than any other way.

And a lot of dealing with my anxiety and a lot of overcoming my anxiety is sort of being that grown adult that my inner child needs, and sort of saying, "Hey, everything's okay. I got this." And if I don't stick up for myself, then that's almost saying to that inner child, "I don't got this," and then the inner child has to be like, "Okay, now it's my responsibility to protect us, because you're not doing that. So I gotta freak out, I gotta figure out," or I have to find a protector and reaching out to my partner to address the situation.

So I would really, really encourage you—I know it's hard, I know it's not easy, and I don't know what culture you come from. There may be some cultural aspects about this that may also make things difficult, but I would really encourage you in situations where someone is being condescending to you, specifically condescending, not just kind of like a little bit aloof, a little bit disconnected, is not super friendly, because I'm not a super social person. I'm very introverted. I’m to myself, and I may come off as cold without meaning to.

But if someone's being condescending to you and treating you in a way that you do not like, practice speaking up for yourself in those situations. Practice saying directly to someone "I don't like the way that you just spoke to me. Don't speak to me that way, please." Or practice leaving situations—you can't control whether or not this person is going to be condescending or cold to you. Can't control if your partner likes them or not, and you really shouldn't control who your partner dates, but you absolutely can control what you decide to be present for.

And if someone's being condescending to you, if you say to them—you don't leave it up to mind — inserting the idea into their mind through your mind—and you outwardly say, "I don't like it when you treat me this way. Don't treat me this way." And if they continue to treat you that way, then you can leave the situation. Then you can say, "If you continue to treat me this way, we're not going to have any more meetups. I'm not going to talk to you anymore."

And your partner can have a problem with that. That's fine. Your partner may have a feeling about that, but you are allowed to decide who you want to spend your time with. It's your time. It's your life. Similar, if your partner had a friend who was a dick to you, you don't go to your partner and say, "Hey, your friend's a dick to me" with the expectation that your partner's gonna stop being friends with them.

I mean, you would hope that if your partner witnessed someone being mean to you, that they would say something. But you can't really control that. You're welcome to have feelings about that and address that separately.

But I think regardless of partners, of who it is, it's really good for you to get in the practice of telling people explicitly—and it's hard, but the more you do it, the better you'll get at it—telling people explicitly, "I don't like this treatment that you're giving me now. Stop or I will leave." And then if they don't stop, then you leave.

It's easier said than done in some situations, definitely, but I think learning that practice and doing it over time will feel a lot better, because then you will be able to trust yourself, then you'll know that you can protect yourself. You'll experience less anxiety over time, because you know you can protect yourself, and then you have faith in yourself, and it really, really helps.

So I would definitely encourage you to do that. This is a long-winded answer for a very short question. But I really hope that helped, and good luck.