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Podcast Transcript

Title: My boyfriend wouldn't go with me to spread my father's ashes.

Hello, first time Reddit poster, please forgive me if incorrect format, but tips are welcomed. I (27F) have been dating my current home-sharing boyfriend (30M) for a little over three years now. I've been procrastinating scattering my dad's ashes for about four to five years.

Why? I do not know. I was decluttering, and it felt gross knowing a whole person that used to have an entire life was sitting in a cardboard box on my floor. It seemed disrespectful.

There's a nice waterfall about a 35-minute drive from my house with a hiking trail leading to it. I thought it would be a good place, as we don't live close to anything he liked to do, and it's usually lacking people, so it would be private. I asked my boyfriend if on a day he wasn't doing something—because he hates being asked last minute—to go with me for both emotional support and because I'm scared of being alone in the woods on a trail with little to no cell phone service.

His first response was, "Do I have to?" I restated that it didn't have to be immediately, but he continued on with, "I really don't want to—do you want me to?" Why would I be asking him to go with me if I didn't want him to? He continued to give vague questions and answers without ever really saying he wouldn't go. So I told him never mind, I would go on my own.

It's been months now, and I'm still afraid to go alone, but I don't have any close family that wouldn't hold it against me in some weird way in the future. I don't know how to forgive or forget about it, looking for advice, or if this isn't something most would let go.

When I told him it hurt me later, he did cry, so I guess he does feel bad now, but this isn't the first time something like this has happened where I needed support emotionally and he couldn't be bothered. Would you let it go? If so, how do I move past this?

Response

All right, right at the top of the hour, we have a question that says, "My boyfriend wouldn't go with me to spread my father's ashes." Let's read that. TLDR: My boyfriend wouldn't go with me to spread my father's ashes, and I don't know how to forgive or let go.

[Re-reading the question]

Oh, God. See, I've had lots of situations like this—not this particular situation, but I've had situations where something is really important to me and I ask about it, and the person doesn't like say no, but they go like, "I don't know if I want to," and that sucks.

I think the situation isn't so much about the ashes. I mean, this obviously has an enormous emotional impact on this person, and I totally understand why. But I think it's like—I mean, the entire point of relationships, friendships, all human connection, is for support. And you're literally in a situation where you're asking for emotional support for something, and your partner is like, "Do I have to?" That doesn't feel good, like that doesn't feel great, that feels awful.

And I think like, it's not really about the ashes, really. It's like there's so many things in the future—like, what if you have to go through another death in your family, and you need someone to support you at the funeral, and your boyfriend is like, "Um, like, do I have to?"

You're in not a very good position to be put in to feel like you're forcing someone to emotionally support you. It's kind of one of those tricky things where, like, you know, when people all the time are like, "I want my partner to engage with me" and like, "I want to do things with my partner, but I don't want to have to be like, 'Hey, let's go out for a date' and always have to be the one initiating it. I want them to ask me. I want them to want to want to ask me." And that's really tough, because you can't force someone to be interested in spending time with you. Can't force someone to be interested in providing you with emotional support.

And yeah, I don't think that I would let it go. I don't think I would, because it's not like I said—it's not about the ashes. It's not about being scared. Like, I'm not saying that this isn't important, but it's about you need genuine emotional support. You don't have any other support systems in your life.

I mean, I would probably encourage this person to think about reaching out to some of that family—like I know that they might feel like they might be judged, but I think like you need the emotional support—or reach out to your friends. But this is so hard, like as someone that has been in this situation where I didn't really have an emotional support system, and I wanted to be supported by someone, and I didn't want to have to be the person—like you don't want to force someone to help you. You want your partner to provide you with emotional support and want to provide you with emotional support because they're your partner.

Yeah, this is so sad. I'm really, I'm so sorry to this OP. Like, this is awful. I'm really, really sorry you're going through this. But I don't, I wouldn't move past it, I wouldn't at all. Like, I would—this would probably be—it doesn't say like how long they've been together—for three years actually, does say three years, and he's 30. Jesus, yeah, I don't think I would definitely be like, yeah, I would be outy.

I think it's just because there's so many other situations in life where you're going to need genuine emotional support from your partner, and to have someone be like, "Do I have to?"—like, it would be one thing if I was dating someone and I needed something like this, if they were like, "You know what? I'm not a person who can do this type of," like, for whatever reason. Maybe they've got issues around death. Maybe they're really struggling. Like, there's lots of things that people can really struggle with providing support for.

One of the things that I really struggle with because of issues that I've had in my life—and I tell my friends this, I tell people this—is that I'm not very good with people who are considering the S word. I don't know, I'm bit worried about being muted on some of these channels, but people who are considering self, you know, that type of stuff, I'm not really the best person to support with that.

It's not that I wouldn't help, it's not that I would want—like, if I dated someone it's not like that I would want them to hide it from me. But I think if someone's in that type of crisis, because I've had people use that type of crisis to try and get a response out of me, I'm not the best person to reach out to on a first instance. And I'm totally willing to help someone, but I usually do communicate that to people, to be like, "Look, I'm not the best person for that."

So if he was like, "Look, I've got issues around this, I'm not able to support you. But are there other ways that I could support you? Are there other people maybe I could help you talk to your family?"—like it would be one thing if he did something like that, right? If he was willing to offer some type of support. But the fact that he's not—and it would also be one thing if he was just straight up "No, like, no, I'm not going to do that." I mean, it would still be jerky, I still would not be happy with that, but at least a direct answer—like a direct answer for me personally is far better than like, "Do I have to?" because then you feel like someone's mom.

I absolutely not—I hate that feeling. The "Do I have to?"—nah, nah, nah, not for me. So yeah, I wouldn't let it go. I wouldn't let it go at all. I think I'd be like, "Listen, I'm in relationships to give support and to receive support, and this is not going to work for me."

So yeah, that's definitely what I think I'd do. I don't think I would stay. I'm so sorry to this OP. This is awful. It's such a hard—because everyone, I mean, there's such a—yeah, it's so difficult with death, because everyone deals with death, but I think we have a taboo in our culture around death and talking about death, and a lot of people feel really, really alone when they're grieving. So I really feel sorry for this OP.

Let's—I want to look at the top comment because I just want to see what it says. All right, this is the best I think. Let's look at the top comment: "This isn't the first time something like this has happened where I needed support emotionally and he couldn't be bothered." Oh, I missed that. Somebody said, "So you recognize this is a pattern of behaviour, one that you've accepted. But finally, it is something so big and deep that you cannot… let this be your father's last wisdom to you—that you deserve better."

Oh, wow, that is true. It is a pattern. It is a pattern—it's definitely a pattern, but it's hard when it's something small, right? Because you don't feel like—when I've had situations like this, where I've asked someone to go to the store for me, and they've been like—and I've been like, it's so small that you feel stupid for complaining about it. But that commenter is super right. Like, you deserve better.

And then this person commented on that. Said, "When I told him it hurt me later, he did cry, so I guess he does feel bad now." And this person said, "And the crying feels performative if he's done something similar before. Saying sorry is all well and fine, but an effort to change is required for the apology to have meaning." 100% right. 100% right.

Wow, yeah. I wonder if the OP has said anything. Someone said "I've had roommates give me more support than he is giving you right now." Yeah, and it's actually in that situation where I've experienced something similar to this, it was the fact that I had friends who were being more supportive that really kind of drove that point home.

Someone said, "Yeah, throw this one back." Yeah, that's it really—"My boyfriend wouldn't go with me to spread my father's ashes." That's awful. I'm really sorry, OP, I'm really, really sorry.

So yeah, that's gonna be—that's my advice. That's gonna be all for this episode. I really hope that—I don't know if the OP will see this, and I don't think I'm allowed to comment with my link to my podcast or video. But yeah, I really hope that this OP—there's no update on this. I mean, it was only eight hours ago, so I don't know that would be an update already, but wow, I really hope that the OP gets out of this situation and finds some people who are actually supportive of them. That's so hard. I'm so sorry.

I hope that helps, and good luck.