That’s what’s on this week’s episode of Non-Monogamy Help.

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Podcast Transcript

I have been in a long term polyam relationship with my nesting partner for over 10 years now. We were never monogamous. For the bulk of that time they had a partner who, despite some early attempts, I didn't get on with. They weren't terrible or anything just we didn't gel.

Because of that we settled in to a parallel [polyam] situation which worked well for us. In that time I had a few short term partners but nothing long term so the question of relationship styles didn't really come up.

Now my partner has broken up with his other long term partner and started dating a new person. We have a lot more in common and I know my partner would like us to spend time together more often. This is also exacerbated by the fact that for various legitimate reasons having mostly to do with food going out for dates doesn't work well for them.

So often a date for them means dinner at our house (sometimes with me depending on my plans) and then sleeping over. This means regardless of anyone's preferences for my partner to continue this relationship means I will be around them because even if I go out for the evening I'll see them in the morning.

I genuinely thought I would be fine with this because this person is great but I find I'm struggling with sharing my space with them as a couple. I keep telling myself this is just about adjusting to change but it's been 6 months and it still feels uncomfortable and stressful.

So far I've said they can only come to ours once every other week which they’re okay with though it does put a constraint on their time together. I also don't like the idea that I should make myself scarce to allow them more time together.

So its partly me putting myself in this position where I'm an extra on their dates but I hate the idea that I’m not welcome in my own home. Is any of this reasonable? Are there things I can do to help myself be more comfortable with this new relationship and new approach polyamory?

Response

So there's a couple of things going on here. I am a little bit confused about the expectations that you need to be included on their dates. Like, imagine if you swapped out— if you were, like, roommates with your best friend. Obviously, it'd be great if your best friend started dating someone and started bringing them around the house. It's great if you get along with their new partner, but you would not necessarily be expected to hang out with them.

I think this does actually happen in a lot of friendships. When people meet someone, monogamous expectations sometimes mean that you fall off the face of the earth because your friends aren't important—your partner is. That sort of thing. But sometimes, people don’t want to hang out with you and your partner. They want to hang out with just you.

I've always made sure in my friendships to ask, “Do you want to go out with me and my partner, or do you want to just hang out with me?” Even though I love spending time with my partner and my friend, I understand that sometimes my friend just wants to spend time with me.

So I'm a little bit confused. I get that your partner wants you two to get along with their other partner, but that doesn’t mean you need to be included on dates. I also get not wanting to have to make yourself scarce, but I do think you have to see this in a roommate-style way. It is your house, yes, but you’re effectively sharing it with someone else.

I’m wondering about a few things here. They can’t go out on dates, and their dates have to usually involve food at your house. Is there a reason they can’t go to your metamour’s house? Is that off-limits? I get that if they can’t go out for food, maybe there are economic issues. But there are other options—you can picnic, for example. Have these other options been truly explored? Because if they can’t go out to eat, that’s fine, but they could pack a lunch. There are other things they can do, so I’m not sure why that hasn’t been considered.

I also wonder if you have dedicated time with your partner. It’s super easy for people who live together—and I’ve definitely experienced this myself—to believe that they spend all their time together. But unless you’re spending dedicated time together, it’s not quality time. Spending time in the same house, even sleeping in the same bed, is not necessarily dedicated time.

Do you actually have dedicated, quality time with your partner? Do you have dates? Do you go out and eat together? Maybe you share dinner at home, as you would with a roommate, but that’s not necessarily the same as a date or scheduled, dedicated time. Are there specific times that are yours and yours only? Maybe you’d feel a little less like you’re not welcome in your own home if you specifically had that time carved out for one another.

Another thing I’m wondering about is space. Do you have your own space in the house? In monogamous-centric societies, especially for couples who started off monogamous or living together (you didn’t start off that way), this can be tricky. I don’t know where you live, but when I lived with partners, I couldn’t even afford to live alone with them. During COVID, we spent all day in the same room because we lived in a city where rent was so expensive. We had other flatmates, and in some places, there wasn’t even a living room—the only shared space was the kitchen.

So we really didn’t have our own individual space. When I was finding a new home, if we could afford it, I wanted my own room. Even though I would probably sleep in the same room as my partner, I still wanted my own space.

Is this an issue of space for you? Do you have a room that’s just yours? Is that possible? It is your home and I get that. Because if you were living with a roommate, there would be similar expectations. They might have partners staying over. And if you had a roommate, you’d likely have to make yourself scarce during their date nights. And that would still be your home. That’s just part of living with other people.

But if you don’t have your own independent space, that can make things harder. If you also don’t have dedicated time with your partner, that can make it worse. So if finding a bigger place isn’t an option, or if having a personal space isn’t financially possible, I think more can be done to explore their options.

When I lived with a partner in a shared flat, we had one other couple and one random person in the house. We didn’t have space to date or entertain at home—no living room, no couch. So there were no dates at our house. If your metamour is in a similar situation, I understand why they don’t host dates at their place. There are other options though. Food doesn’t have to be part of every single date. There could be more exploration of other options.

To recap:

• Do you have scheduled, dedicated time with your partner that’s just for you? Time when, if your metamour was around, they’d have to make themselves scarce? That’s really important.
• Maybe what you need is a little more structure—a more parallel style of polyamory, where you have your time, and your metamour has their time.

Being parallel doesn’t mean you don’t like your metamour. I’m very parallel (though I’m more solo polyam now), and sometimes it’s helpful if I didn’t like a metamour. But even when I do like them, I still need structure. Some people thrive in a casual, kitchen table dynamic, but that doesn’t work for everyone. Some people wouldn’t do well in a co-op living situation with 12 flatmates—it’s just not for them. It’s not for me. That’s okay.

This isn’t about adjusting to a new life; it’s about your personal space. You have a right to ask for what you need. You’ve already set a boundary by asking if they can only come to your place every other week, and they agreed. That’s good in some ways, but have they explored other options?

If they can’t go out for food, can they go to a park? A library? There are plenty of places that aren’t food-related. Obviously, if it’s about sex, then that’s different, but if they just want to hang out, there are options. Have that time with your partner and see if negotiations can be made about this situation.

I know this is hard. Maybe your metamour has a small living space like I did. But even in that tiny space, I negotiated with my partner—I’d go out to a movie while they had a date. It’s just part of living together. If you had your own scheduled time with your partner, you might feel freer to be more casual about other things. And if you had your own personal space, if that’s possible to have, you might feel less intruded upon.

Ultimately, you might not be as kitchen table as you thought you could be, and that’s okay. You shouldn’t force yourself into a lifestyle that makes you unhappy. Just like with roommates—if you hate living with them, sometimes you have to, but in this case you can find alternatives.

There are some deeper questions here, and maybe some things that can be worked around. Your partner may have to accept that you’re not a kitchen table person. You get along with your metamour, but you don’t want to be a third wheel on their dates. That’s fine. You don’t have to be.

If they’re there, maybe you’re there too, but you can still carve out space for yourself. Work with what you’ve got, but don’t force yourself into a situation that doesn’t fit.

I hope that helps, and good luck.