What is a metamour or meta?

A metamour (sometimes spelled "metamor" or shortened to "meta") is a key term in polyamory. It refers to your partner’s partner—someone with whom you share a romantic connection through a mutual partner but do not have a direct romantic or sexual relationship.

For example, if Alex is dating both Sam and Jordan, but Sam and Jordan are not dating each other, then Sam and Jordan are each other’s metamours.

The role of a metamour in polyamory

Metamours can have various types of relationships, ranging from close friendships to little or no interaction. Some common dynamics include:

Kitchen Table Polyamory: Metamours have a friendly relationship and may spend time together, similar to an extended family.
Parallel Polyamory: Metamours are aware of each other but maintain separate lives with little to no direct interaction.
Co-Parenting or Cohabitation: In some cases, metamours may share responsibilities, such as raising children, or even live together in the same household.

Common challenges with metamours

Navigating metamour relationships can bring up a mix of emotions. Some common experiences include:

Compersion: A sense of joy or happiness when your partner is happy with their other partner.
Jealousy or insecurity: Feelings of comparison, fear of being replaced, or struggles with time and attention distribution.
Boundaries and communication: Establishing clear expectations about how much interaction (if any) is desired between metamours.

Building a health relationship with a metamour

While there’s no single "right" way to interact with a metamour, here are some tips for fostering a positive connection:

Respect boundaries – Understand and honor your metamour’s comfort level with interaction.
Communicate openly – If you and your metamour choose to interact, clear and respectful communication can prevent misunderstandings.
Focus on your own relationship – Your connection with your partner is separate from their other relationships.
Avoid comparisons – Every relationship is unique; focus on what makes yours fulfilling rather than comparing dynamics.
Give it time – Adjusting to polyamorous relationships takes time. Feelings about metamours may evolve over time.

Do you have to be friends with a metamour?

No. While some people enjoy having a close connection with their metamours, others prefer to keep a level of separation. There is no obligation to be friends, but a respectful and cordial approach can help maintain harmony within a polycule.

Wrap-up

A metamour is an essential concept in polyamory, representing the connection you share with your partner’s partner. Whether you develop a deep friendship, a casual acquaintanceship, or prefer to remain separate, understanding and respecting metamour relationships can contribute to a more fulfilling polyamorous experience.