What is "a third"?

In the context of polyamory, the term "a third" typically refers to an individual whom a couple seeks to join their relationship, often with the intention of forming a closed triad. The couple may be interested in adding a new partner, but the language of "a third" inherently implies that the new person is secondary to the existing couple and not an equal partner in the dynamic. This terminology can raise significant concerns within the polyamorous community.

The implications of seeking "a third"

When a couple refers to seeking "a third," it suggests that the couple is prioritising their existing relationship while searching for someone to fit into that structure, often as an additional romantic or sexual partner. The implication of being the "third" in such a setup can feel somewhat diminutive. In this arrangement, the person joining the couple may feel as though they are seen as an accessory rather than an equal participant in the relationship.

This terminology can lead to accusations of "unicorn hunting," a term used to describe couples seeking a bisexual woman to add to their relationship, often without considering her needs or autonomy. The term "third" reinforces the idea that the individual being added is not seen as an equal partner but as an external element in the relationship. This dynamic can be problematic, particularly if the couple does not prioritise the emotions or well-being of the third person.

The issue of prioritisation

One of the key concerns about seeking a "third" is that it tends to place the existing couple at the centre of the dynamic, implicitly sidelining the individual joining the relationship. In a healthy polyamorous relationship, all partners should be treated with respect and consideration, with no one feeling less important than the others. When a couple specifically seeks a "third," it can create a sense of imbalance, with the third person feeling like they are at the bottom of the hierarchy, despite their romantic or sexual involvement with the couple.

This dynamic may lead to feelings of exclusion or emotional neglect, especially if the couple's existing bond takes precedence over the new partner's needs. It’s important to recognise that for polyamory to be successful and ethical, all involved individuals should be considered equally, and each person’s boundaries and desires should be respected.

Unicorn hunting and inexperience

The act of seeking "a third" is often met with criticism, especially in the context of unicorn hunting. Unicorn hunting refers to the practice where a couple seeks out a bisexual woman to join their relationship, usually for threesomes or to form a closed triad. The problem with this practice is that it often ignores the autonomy of the person being sought, reducing them to a mere fulfilment of the couple’s desires rather than a fully realised individual with their own needs and preferences.

Many people within the polyamorous community see this as an unethical practice, as it implies that the third person’s feelings and experiences are secondary to the couple’s. It’s important to note that not all couples seeking a third operate in this manner, but the language of "a third" is often associated with inexperience or a lack of understanding of the principles of ethical polyamory.

For couples seeking a third, it is essential to approach the relationship with openness, respect, and a commitment to mutual understanding. The third person should never feel like they are disposable or secondary, and the couple should ensure that the relationship is balanced and healthy for everyone involved.

Wrap-up

A "third" refers to an individual whom a couple seeks to join their relationship, typically with the goal of forming a triad. The term can carry negative connotations, as it often implies that the third person is secondary to the couple, potentially leading to feelings of exclusion or neglect.

It is important for couples to approach the idea of adding a third with care, ensuring that all partners are treated equally and their needs are respected. Ethical polyamory requires that everyone involved feels valued and heard, and seeking a third should not be about fulfilling the couple’s desires at the expense of the new partner.