What is polyamory?

Polyamory is the practice of having multiple consensual, loving, and intimate relationships at the same time. Unlike swinging, which often focuses on sexual encounters with others outside of the primary relationship, polyamory is centred around forming emotional and romantic connections with multiple partners, with each relationship typically being equally valued and independent.

The essence of polyamory lies in the belief that love and intimacy are not finite resources. Polyamorous individuals and couples have the freedom to build and maintain multiple emotional and romantic relationships, as long as all partners involved give their full consent, and there is transparency, trust, and open communication.

Polyamory can look different for everyone, with some individuals forming romantic relationships with multiple partners while others prefer a hierarchical structure with primary, secondary, or tertiary partners. The key is that the relationships are based on mutual respect, communication, and the principle of consent.

Types of polyamory

There are various ways polyamorous relationships can be structured, depending on the desires, needs, and boundaries of the individuals involved. Some of the most common types of polyamorous arrangements include:

Hierarchical polyamory: In this arrangement, partners are assigned different levels of importance. A "primary" partner is typically someone with whom you share a long-term, deeply committed relationship, while "secondary" or "tertiary" partners may have less emotional intensity or time investment. Some couples may have a hierarchy, while others prefer non-hierarchical structures.
Non-hierarchical polyamory: In non-hierarchical polyamory, all partners are considered equal in importance, and there is no predefined structure that places one person above another. Each relationship is treated as unique and valuable, with equal respect and care for everyone involved.
Solo polyamory: Solo polyamory is when someone chooses to maintain multiple romantic relationships while choosing not to have a primary or live-in partner. Individuals practicing solo polyamory may value independence and the freedom to nurture multiple connections without having to prioritize one over another.
Relationship anarchy: This is a philosophy that challenges traditional relationship structures altogether. Relationship anarchists reject the idea that certain types of relationships (such as romantic ones) should inherently be prioritized or have specific labels. Instead, they form relationships based on mutual agreement, care, and trust, treating each connection individually.

Why do people choose polyamory?

Polyamory offers individuals and couples a way to navigate relationships that go beyond the traditional confines of monogamy. Some of the reasons people choose polyamory include:

Diverse emotional fulfilment: Polyamorous individuals often seek emotional support and love from multiple people, which can help them feel more deeply connected and fulfilled. This may come from different types of relationships, where different partners fulfil different emotional needs.
Avoiding relationship stagnation: For some, polyamory provides a way to avoid monotony or complacency in a relationship, fostering continual growth and excitement by having the freedom to explore romantic and emotional connections with others.
Personal growth: By practicing polyamory, individuals can learn about themselves, their needs, desires, and boundaries in ways that traditional monogamous relationships may not offer. The practice of navigating multiple relationships often encourages communication and self-reflection.
Increased trust and communication: Since polyamory requires open, honest conversations about desires, boundaries, and emotions, many polyamorous people report that it enhances their ability to communicate and build trust within their relationships.

Is polyamory ethical?

Ethical polyamory, like any relationship structure, is based on honesty, communication, and mutual consent. As long as everyone involved is aware of the dynamics and agrees to them, polyamory is considered ethical. Consent is essential, and no one should feel pressured to participate in polyamory if they are not comfortable.

Ethical polyamory also involves ongoing discussions and check-ins to ensure that everyone’s needs are being met and that emotional boundaries are respected. It requires a high level of self-awareness and emotional maturity, as multiple relationships require managing not just time and energy, but also complex emotions like jealousy, guilt, and insecurity.

Misconceptions about polyamory

There are many misconceptions people have about polyamory such as:

Is polyamory just about sex?

Polyamory is not just about sex. While polyamorous people may have sexual relationships with multiple partners, the focus is often on forming romantic, emotional connections. For some, sexual activity may be a secondary or less important aspect of their relationships.

Can polyamory work for everyone?

Polyamory isn’t for everyone, and that’s okay. It’s important to understand that not everyone has the desire or emotional capacity to maintain multiple intimate relationships. Some people may prefer monogamy, and others may feel uncomfortable with the complexities of polyamory. It’s about finding what works for you and your partners.

How do you deal with jealousy in polyamory?

Jealousy is a common challenge in polyamorous relationships, but it can be managed through communication and self-awareness. Talking openly about feelings, setting boundaries, and practicing emotional self-regulation can help reduce jealousy.

Can polyamory work for people in long-term relationships?

Yes, polyamory can work for couples in long-term relationships, as long as both partners are willing to explore it together. In fact, some long-term couples find that polyamory adds depth to their relationship by allowing them to explore new connections without feeling trapped by the expectations of traditional monogamy.

Polyamory vs. swinging

While both polyamory and swinging are forms of consensual non-monogamy, they differ in their primary focus:

Polyamory: Focused on building romantic and emotional relationships with multiple partners. Emotional and romantic connections are prioritized, and sexual experiences are often secondary.
Swinging: Primarily focused on sexual exploration and encounters, with less emphasis on romantic or emotional connections. Swinging tends to be more about physical experiences than building lasting relationships.

Some people practice both, depending on what they’re seeking in their relationships.

Learning more about polyamory

Polyamory is a relationship style that allows individuals to explore and nurture multiple loving and romantic connections, each based on mutual consent, respect, and clear communication. It offers an alternative to monogamy, giving people the freedom to create relationships that best suit their emotional and romantic needs. While it can come with challenges, such as jealousy or time management, polyamory is a valid and ethical choice for many people who want to experience deeper connection and personal growth in their relationships.

If you're interested in exploring what relationship style may fit you, consider taking my polyamory relationship quiz, check out my books or return to explore the FAQ.