What is solo polyamory?

Solo polyamory, often referred to as "solo poly," is a unique form of non-monogamy in which individuals often do not prioritise one partner over others and instead prioritise their own independence.

Instead of adopting a primary partner model, solo polyamorous people may have multiple romantic and/or sexual relationships, all of which are viewed as equal. The focus is on autonomy, independence, and non-hierarchical connections, with no one person being considered the most important.

Key aspects of solo polyamory

The main aspects of solo polyamory involve the following:

No primary partner: One of the most defining features of solo polyamory is the absence of a primary or "main" partner. Solo polyamorous individuals do not structure their relationships in a way that elevates one partner above the rest. All relationships are considered equal, and there’s no special status for anyone.
Prioritising personal independence: A significant aspect of solo polyamory is the desire to maintain autonomy. Many solo polyamorous people choose to live alone, have separate finances, and remain independent from their partners. This lifestyle allows them to focus on their own needs, goals, and desires without relying on a partner for support or decisions.
Self-love and self-partnership: Those practicing solo polyamory often view themselves as their own primary partner. This means that their own needs and personal growth come first, and they are not expected to sacrifice their autonomy for a romantic relationship. The idea is to love and care for oneself before seeking validation or support from others.
Multiple, non-hierarchical relationships: Relationships in solo polyamory are fluid and flexible, with no fixed expectations. People may have romantic or sexual relationships with multiple partners without the relationships following a set trajectory. Each relationship stands on its own merit, and the individuals involved can define their terms, boundaries, and needs without external pressure or norms.

How solo polyamory differs

Solo polyamory differs from other forms of non-monogamy in the following ways:

Solo polyamory vs. hierarchical polyamory: Hierarchical polyamory can be seen as the opposite of solo polyamory. In hierarchical polyamory, people often prioritise one partner above others, with "primary" partners receiving special privileges, such as living together or making joint decisions. Solo polyamory rejects this hierarchy, as each relationship is treated equally, with no one person receiving top priority.
Solo polyamory vs. relationship anarchy: Relationship anarchy shares some similarities with solo polyamory in that both prioritise non-hierarchical relationships. However, relationship anarchy goes a step further by rejecting all relationship labels and societal rules about love and commitment. Solo polyamory, while still non-hierarchical, allows for the formation of relationships with personal boundaries and self-defined rules.
Solo polyamory vs. monogamy: Monogamy typically involves having one exclusive romantic or sexual partner. Solo polyamory, on the other hand, is based on having multiple partners with no expectation of exclusivity. While monogamy focuses on one partner as the primary focus of attention, solo polyamory emphasizes self-love, independence, and flexibility within multiple romantic connections.

Benefits of solo polyamory

Many people see the following benefits in solo polyamory:

Personal growth and autonomy: Solo polyamory encourages individuals to focus on their personal development and needs. With no pressure to prioritise or sacrifice for a primary partner, people are free to explore their identity, passions, and goals.
Freedom to explore multiple relationships: Those practicing solo polyamory have the flexibility to form and nurture various romantic and sexual connections without any limitations imposed by traditional relationship structures. This can lead to deeper, more varied connections that are meaningful to the individuals involved.
Breaking societal norms: Many people choose solo polyamory because it challenges the societal norms surrounding relationships, especially monogamy. It allows individuals to reject the idea that there’s one "right" way to love and live, instead embracing a more diverse and individualized approach.
Stronger self-advocacy: Solo polyamory encourages individuals to communicate their needs clearly and set boundaries, as they are their own primary partner. This fosters greater self-advocacy and self-awareness, leading to healthier relationships overall.

Common misconceptions about solo polyamory

Here are some of the common misconceptions people who are solo polyam may face from others:

Solo polyamory means not wanting love: A common misconception is that solo polyamorous people don’t desire deep emotional connections. In reality, solo polyamory simply means that those connections are not hierarchical. People still want and value love, affection, and connection, but they do not need to place anyone above others to enjoy these things.
Solo polyamory is the same as being single: While solo polyamorous people may live independently, they can still have multiple relationships. Being single typically means having no romantic relationships, whereas solo polyamory emphasises the freedom to have multiple meaningful connections without prioritizing one.
Solo polyamory is just for people who can’t commit: Solo polyamory is not about avoiding commitment; rather, it's about choosing to commit to multiple people on equal terms. It’s a form of commitment that is flexible and self-directed, allowing individuals to shape their relationships in a way that suits their desires and values.

Why people choose solo polyamory

Solo polyamory appeals to individuals who prioritise independence and autonomy while still desiring meaningful romantic connections. Some choose this lifestyle because they reject societal expectations or traditional models of relationships, while others find it aligns more closely with their values of freedom and self-determination.

People who practice solo polyamory may find it more fulfilling than other relationship styles, as it allows them to form and maintain multiple, non-hierarchical relationships based on mutual respect and personal choice.

Is solo polyamory right for you?

If you're someone who values personal independence and desires the flexibility to have multiple romantic relationships without a primary partner, solo polyamory may be an ideal lifestyle. It's a way of rejecting traditional relationship norms and creating a relationship structure that works for your own needs and desires. However, like any relationship style, it requires communication, self-awareness, and respect for others' boundaries.

If you're interested in exploring what relationship style may fit you, consider taking my polyamory relationship quiz, check out my books or return to explore the FAQ.