From Affair to Polyamory

I am a 42 year old married mother of three young boys. Last year, I began an affair with a former partner - the person who I had dated immediately prior to me meeting my now husband. Our relationship was complicated and muddied by quite a few factors - including influence from my Mom with whom I am now estranged. Long story short, this blew up my world. I am still with my husband, who knows about the affair. I am also still in contact with my affair partner who lives across the country.

I have been in therapy all year, done a ton of work - mostly healing very severe attachment wounds from both my parents - and on the other side of all of this - I know myself better than I ever have, and I also know in my heart that I love both of these men. I want both of these men in my life, and I can’t ignore that truth.

I want to be in a relationship with both of these men. I know both of them very well, and I truly believe they would both be open to this idea. I would stay married to my husband and he would be my primary partner, and my affair partner would be secondary. I have done a lot of research on what is required to make something like this work, and I truly believe this is possible.

Here is my question. Am I delusional? Is it ever possible, from your experience, that something like this works?

Because of the consequences of the affair, you're mostly focused on whether or not this will "work" in light of that without really focusing on some of the other options you may not be considering. It's one thing for your husband to essentially give you permission to have an affair -- which might be what you're actually thinking of or considering, but it's another for you to actually be polyamorous and it's important to figure out if all of the people involved want for you to have an arrangement with your husband or if you want polyamory.

The difference is that if you want polyamory, this means that your husband and your new partner both have the opportunity and the freedom to date other people in addition to you. It's not then just about, with all due respect, you having your cake and eating it too. On a fundamental basis, polyamory means that you will not have as much time with your husband (and he will not have the same) as you would typically get in a monogamous relationship.

And the date nights you have with your new partner may not always align with the dates your husband or your new partner may have. So you may spend more time than you think in this new arrangement alone. It won't be the same as having an affair. And you may encounter a lot more emotional obstacles than you might expect if you haven't really considered that possibility. Is that something you actually want?

If what all of the parties agreed to are okay with an arrangement, it's important to consider the long term implications of this. If you are essentially being given permission to have an affair – which is not the same as polyamory – this means that likely your husband still expects you to spend a good deal of your time with him.

It means that your new partner will not get the marriage, the house, the kids, and the typical escalation that most monogamous people generally want in relationships. Sure, he may not mind that right now while he's able to actually have something with you without having to hide it but... is that the future he actually wants for himself?

I'm not saying it's impossible. Your new partner may be very independent. He may have no interest in having children, sharing a home or actually establishing that sort of settled life with someone. That is completely possible. Those people exist. I am finding myself becoming one of them as I age.

However, it makes me concerned that people in this type of situation are making decisions not based off of the long term or what's actually good for them in the long term and instead they are focused on what they can gain in the short term.

Have you discussed beyond just whether or not your husband will leave you or not if you pursue it how your new relationship fits into your life? Is your new partner going to be part of your family? Because you use some of the language of "primary" and "secondary" it does seem like you've discussed this, but I would be very wary about what people are willing to agree to when the alternative to the situation is losing a relationship they would like to maintain.

This isn't to say you shouldn't try having a go at it. I'm glad you know yourself very well, but you can't do the work for two other people in this equation. I don't think you're delusional, but I do think you should have more conversations with both of these men and really try and make sure they aren't just agreeing to the situation under duress.

Make sure you think about how you all want your lives to play out. And make sure you've considered the possibility about how you might feel when your partners have other partners. Obviously, you're not a mind reader and it's not your job to be. You have to trust that both of these men will be able to advocate for themselves and tell you the truth – but I think doing a good due diligence for yourself involves at least asking that question.

Lastly, just keep in mind that this isn't about you keeping everything together here. Make sure you have the proper support if possible, especially after losing contact with your mother, through a therapist or getting in touch with a polyamory community (though people could be judgy around your history). When relationships don't "work" it isn't always because one person hasn't made it work.

Don't put the responsibility on yourself to make this "work" and understand that it involves a lot of different aspects. Relationships aren't also only successful if you don't make it out alive. Even if it doesn't "work" in the long term, it's not a sign that you have failed or that it was a bad idea. Do more discussion and see where you all end up as far as what your wants are. It's possible for people to want to date each other but not really be compatible.

I hope this helps and good luck!