Giving up a marriage

I'm a married man of 30 years, and have made the decision that the rest of my years, which hopefully amount to a couple of decades will be spent pursuing non-monogamous relationship, polyamory lifestyle.

Am I being selfish, or do I need to just give myself the permission to live without traditional terms and categories and pursue my best life ever?

Is it selfish to make a decision in your life that will overall increase your happiness? Some people might think it is. I could give you a value judgement based off of my own morality and ethics and then you can use that to decide how you would like to proceed — but I would always encourage you to think about your own ethics.

You say you’re married but you don’t give much context beyond that and that context is key. So many people don’t find out that non-monogamy is a valid way to live their lives until years after they have married, “settled down”, and had children. You don’t say you have children but, in this example, do I think it is selfish for those types of people to break their marriages and families to pursue polyamory? No. Because I don’t think that we should believe a monogamous heterosexual picket fence “traditional” nuclear family is the only or ideal way for a family to live. And I don’t think that divorce should be this big cultural stain on people’s lives.

But if that same person were to up and leave their kids with no further involvement in their life, then yeah, I would consider that selfish. In the same way I’d consider someone selfish if they ditched one monogamous relationship like that for another and ignored their kids — it’s nothing to do with polyamory and everything to do with the context.

There is unlikely going to be a way, even if you weren’t married, to leave a monogamous relationship without pain. Breakups just aren’t painless for the most part. Avoiding it or trying to be happy within a monogamous relationship when you aren’t isn’t going to help that. One might say dragging a person along in a monogamous partnership when you don’t want to be in it instead of cutting them lose so they can spend their time finding someone who does want to be there is far more selfish.

The one thing I would challenge is the assumption that non-monogamy will give you “your best life ever”. While it might be true that you will probably feel a certain amount of freedom in non-monogamy that you do not currently feel, there are downsides to any path you choose in life. The more relationships you have, the more heartbreak you risk. Things get complicated and twisted. It’s not any more or less easy than monogamy can be.

Perhaps the reason you’re afraid to make this leap is because you’re worried that you might make a mistake, but mistakes happen whether we worry or are aware of them or not. It’s not completely preventable. Which isn’t to say you should fling yourself at any whim that comes across your mind, but if you have given something a decent amount of thought and are operating with the best of your faculties, that’s all you can really do in the end.

I wrote two articles that are pretty much for beginners, a sort of Polyam 101 about the mistakes people often make and how to avoid them and a Polyam 102 about the mistakes I specifically made and what I wish I knew before I tried non-monogamy. You might find those helpful your thinking process. Pursuing what you want is important, but just remember that focusing inward and making sure you’re happy doesn’t mean being cruel. It requires a balance. I would seek a polyamory friendly therapist if you’re still struggling to work it out.

I hope this helps and good luck!