Living With Metamours

I am in two long term relationships - partner A and I have been together for almost 11 years, and B and I have been together for 7. A and B are not dating each other, and the three of us live together.

They've both had relationships other than their relationship with me since we've been together, but I'm currently B's only partner. B met a new friend last year, confessed they had feelings for them, and the friend was flattered but didn't want more than a platonic arrangement with B.

They became obsessed with this friend, talking about them constantly, and their mood is completely dependent on how they perceive the state of their friendship with this person to be. They've also demonstrated a lack of respect for their friend's boundaries, which has impacted my trust in them.

The whole thing has started having a negative effect on my relationship with B, and also A's mental health, because I'm having to spend so much time looking after B when they're in a slump about this friend, or having serious unpleasant talks with them; it's like there's always a huge dark cloud over the household. 

My partners' friendships are generally none of my business, but B's friendship with this person seems to be more harmful than beneficial, and whenever I try to broach the subject they accuse me of jealousy and discount whatever I say.

I feel like I'm at an impasse - I don't want to end my relationship with B but I don't think I can carry on like this indefinitely. Is there anything I can do in this situation?

This can be a tricky thing when you all live together because, as parallel as we can have relationships, sometimes there's only so much that one can do when you witness a closer aspect of someone's life, similar to if you were a roommate to two people who dated each other. However, I do think there are a few things here you can put in place to protect your own sanity.

First and foremost, however, your learning about B's friendship needs to be stopped. If B is using you as a therapist for their ups and downs, you need to place harder boundaries around your own time. They are an adult capable of managing their disappointment and their emotions and they don't need you to look after them when they are in a slump, especially if it involves hearing details that affect you. My guess is a lot of frustration here is coming not just from having to deal with this but also not putting down the boundaries that you need to around your own time.

Truthfully, you aren't the best person to advise B about their friendships and if they truly think you're jealous, that's even more of a reason for them to stop sharing so much about their issues with their friend with you. Instead of making it about B's friend, make it about your own time.

You can say something like, "I appreciate that you're struggling right now with this friendship, but I personally do not feel like I am best placed to hear about the details of this and truthfully it's starting to affect my own mental health. I would rather our time be focused on our relationship and what we can do together than other relationships." You can even offer to help B research therapists. But you have to stop becoming B's therapist and hearing all of these details.

Secondly, use this as a reminder to stop giving B advice about their friendships and other relationships. While I'm sure your judgement in this situation is a little bit more objective than B's is, you are still an invested party in this scenario. There's a conflict of interest in this situation and that makes it difficult for you to actually give them advice they will listen to. Instead of trying to fix the situation, fix your own approach to the situation because that is truthfully all you can control here.

Last but not least, I would definitely address B's tendency to dismiss your feelings as "jealousy". Jealousy is not something that is to be dismissed and just passed back to the person to handle themselves and if that is how B handles jealousy, that is something worth discussing further between the two of you. I don't necessarily blame anyone because this is what a lot of people end up learning from the polyamory community -- that jealousy is some sort of temporary bug that you have to purge from your system. It invites people often to ignore their inner voices and act like the problem is just them.

B needs to understand that, even if you were jealous, which I don't think applies here, that requires their attention to consider, think about and discuss further, not just a dismissal and ignoring the issue. Talk with each other about how you handle big emotions.

Even if this were a feeling you should work through yourself, it's still possible to do that with B's support. A good deal of resentment is going to build up if B expects you to provide endless emotional support for their ups and downs with other relationships but then, when you reach out for emotional support, chalks it up to jealousy and dodges an opportunity to provide you with the reciprocal effort you have put into the relationship.

To sum up, I think there is an amount of stepping back and boundary setting on your own time that you need to do around how you manage the situation with B. This might be difficult and you may have to sit in the discomfort of your own feelings around B being disappointed, but allowing it to continue will only foster further resentment.

Restrict yourself from giving advice to partners about other relationships unless they explicitly ask because you aren't an objective third party capable of providing that for them and discuss with B their lack of emotional support for you in times of difficulty.

I hope this helps and good luck!