Panic and Polyamory

My partner and I have been non-monogamous from the start of our relationship and we've been dating for two years now. I entered this relationship while I was living with a nesting partner, but about six months in, I ended up moving out on my own and shortly after, my former NP and I broke up. Ever since I broke up with my former NP, my current partner and I have been philosophically non-monogamous, but neither of us were actively dating or seeking dates due to life being busy. It's been a year and a half of functionally being monogamous, although we do talk frequently about what being non-monogamous means to us and also share (appropriately) about flirtations/crushes. 

I've thought lot about how I'd feel when my partner started dating, and I did a lot of work with my therapist and on my own to come to terms with her dating. I felt like I was in a very good place.

Well, then my partner actually started dating. She reconnected with a woman who is "the one who got away" and expressed that she has been in love with her for 18 years. Their friendship was very flirty and on-again/off-again, but they never actually dated. My partner is very excited about getting to explore the "what if" of this relationship. This is a long distance relationship, and they've been having phone calls and texting over the past three months.

I've been struggling way more than I thought I would. With my ex, I did experience some jealousy when she was dating other people but I was able to deal with it quickly and reach a place of compersion without much struggle. With my current partner, I've been in such a deep place of anxiety and comparison that I hate. 

While I am genuinely happy and excited that my partner gets to explore this relationship that is very meaningful to her, I can't shake the monogamy "script" that says "this is THE ONE that my partner has been yearning for and now that my partner has her, she's not going to want me anymore." I am trying very hard not to compare myself, but I am failing at that pretty miserably - my brain keeps telling me that there's no way that anything I have to offer my partner can measure up to 18 years of yearning being fulfilled.

They're going to meet up for the first time in a few weeks, and I have this deep sense of dread that once they actually meet in person and have a weekend together, the connection and the sex will be so perfect and good that my partner won't want to come back to me. I'm so deeply afraid that they are going to fall into this "happily ever after" monogamy story and my partner is going to cut me out of the picture. 

My partner has reassured me that this is not her intention, that she doesn't want to stop dating me, she doesn't want to be monogamous, and that she doesn't want to de-escalate our relationship. She's never given me any reason to doubt her and our relationship has been trusting and loving. She's also moving pretty slowly in this other relationship, and she hasn't interrupted any of our time together for my meta. I have a lot of evidence that I can trust my partner, yet I can't get my body and brain to stop panicking about this upcoming weekend trip. 

I've been reading polyamory books, spending time on my hobbies, doing self-care, going to therapy, communicating with my partner, having time with friends and family, reminding myself that I can't (and don't want to) control if my partner falls out of love with me and that all relationships end, thinking through the worst case scenarios and figuring out what I'll do if that happens...all of these things work for a limited amount of time and then suddenly I'm right back with a toxic "she's found THE ONE and you're not THE ONE and so she won't want you anymore" running through my head and I can't get it out. 

Firstly, please give yourself permission to have these feelings and stop calling your rational reactions to this situation “toxic”. Of course you’re going to have these thoughts. They are logical. You’re a human being that has thousands of years of evolution gearing you towards being afraid of losing your social connections.

Add that to the fact that you have grown up in a mono-centric society that has told you your entire life that there is one way that romantic love happens, one true way and that is through exclusivity. I would be surprised if you didn’t feel this way. So please, give yourself some grace here.

Secondly, I feel like what is contributing towards this is that you haven’t really defined the time you spend together and the time you spend apart. While I disagree with the idea that you’re “functionally monogamous” just because you aren’t dating anyone, the important aspect of this is how much time you spend together and the time you spend apart.

When people open their relationship from monogamy, the first thing I usually advise is to figure out that time balance and immediately begin acting on it even if no one has other partners. If you have been spending more and more time together, not only do you have this long history to contend with emotionally but you’re having to re-adjust to the idea of having less time which is hard to manage on it’s own if you have gotten used to the increased time together.

It’s rough and it emotionally is challenging, not because you are “toxic” but because you’re going off of the cultural script you’ve been given and that is going to throw up your lizard brain’s alarm bells.

Have a discussion with your partner about the actual physical time you want to spend together and the time you would spend with other people, including this new partner. Accept that you absolutely will feel like pure and utter rubbish when she does meet up with this person.

Accept that you have these thoughts. They are just thoughts. They are the little voice inside of you that wants to protect you. They are kicking off now because they’re scared but the truth of the matter is that nothing can really stop your partner from leaving you — as you said. Delve deeper into that.

What has helped me immensely is really grappling with what I can and can’t control. Monogamy offers a cultural script that gives people an almost false sense of security. It makes them believe that their partner will be there forever for them but the truth is that there are times when people, even with the promise of monogamy and years of marriage, fall out of love with their partners and fall in love with people they meet at work, through hobbies and other things.

You truly cannot prevent your partner from falling in love with someone else. Even if she was to have a big blow out argument with this 18 year history person and never see them again. She could meet someone new who she is more compatible with tomorrow. There is nothing you can do as an individual to prevent that from happening.

As Clementine Morrigan says, you cannot fix the problem by being good because the problem is not that you are bad. Release yourself from the responsibility to “keep” your partner. Hear your inner voice shout, scream and tantrum about all of the what-ifs. Acknowledge it, soothe it and tell it that you are there for yourself.

The one thing you can control throughout all of this is whether you will be there for yourself. And you can be 100%. Part of this is letting yourself have these feelings, stopping the self judgement for them and not identifying with them. They aren’t part of you. They’re just part of your brain trying to help you survive. 

I think you might feel a bit more grounded if you have that clear idea of how much time you have with your partner, but you will likely still have some of these anxieties because it’s logical for you to do so.

I truly think if you can just let yourself go through the fire of the situation, you will come out of the other end and see your partner return back to you and over time, that anxiety will feel less and less intense. Give yourself a little bit of space and grace, establish some physical realities, and I think you will feel better when you see you and your relationship survive through the rocky bits.

I hope this helps and good luck!