Partner Application

I received a form to fill out on Valentine’s Day from the woman I’m dating. It was created by her and her partner and although she claims it is supposed to be a “fun questionnaire to learn about boundaries and intentions” it feels like a job application instead.

Some of the questions include:

Q: How would you describe your emotional well-being and stability?

With multiple choice answers like:

1. I have a strong sense of emotional security and practice healthy communication.

2. I have some emotional struggles but actively work on them (therapy, self-care).

3. I often struggle with emotional regulation and have difficulty with boundaries.

(You have to select one answer to move on to the next question)

I was presented this form with her prefacing “I hope this isn’t bad timing but” (it was sent after giving her a gift on Valentine’s Day which she agreed to receive) and I told her I found it awkward. Most of the questions in the form were things we had discussed already and few we hadn’t gotten to yet.

I prefer to have conversations in person in order to gather this sort of data and then make notes later on if necessary but I’m wondering if filling out a form is normal for some people engaging in polyamory/enm? I’ve never encountered this before.

You're exactly right that this feels like a job application and I think if I were to receive something like this in lieu of just sitting down and having a normal conversation... I would feel extremely awkward. It would feel like I was being screened by a couple, especially. I want to be sympathetic with these people because I can imagine that maybe they created this because they have had experiences with people and with each other of instability and a lack of communication.

However, this is the problem that I see nearly constantly with people who are new and familiar with polyamory alike. People are reasonably and understandably terrified of bad things happening and they want to prevent that from happening rather than accepting that conflict is an inevitable part of relationships.

A healthy relationship is not one that never experiences instability and having good mental health is not about never feeling insecure, never having any ups and downs. But as Gabor Mate says, it's not about feeling better. It's about getting better at feeling. So the reasons your partner has probably done this sort of thing has been to try and prevent something like this from happening. The ironic thing is that to me it reflects insecurity.

The concept of a "red flag" is something that I try to discourage people from sticking too hard to. Sticking vigilantly to the concept of "red flags" is in many ways a self-betrayal. You only need to be hyper vigilant about potential bad partners if you don't trust yourself to be able to get out of a bad relationship. Even if you think you're protecting yourself, you're placing the responsibility of preventing yourself from falling in love with someone who isn't great on yourself. You don't need to protect yourself if you trust yourself to take care of yourself even if you fall in love. At the core of this survey is a fear that she needs to screen you effectively because, and she may not even realise this, she doesn't trust herself to be able to recognise the signs and say "no" when she is more emotionally connected to you.

When you have emotional security, you find safety within yourself. You don't need other people to fill out surveys to prove their own emotional competence because you trust yourself to be able to protect yourself and make the right decisions when it comes to it. More importantly, you don't punish yourself if a relationship goes south because you recognise that someone else's issues are not things you can control. This is a long winded way to say that I understand why she has done this but ultimately, I would not be happy with doing this in such a formalised way and like you, I would request to have a conversation about this instead.

To address your second point, I don't know if this is "normal" within polyamorous communities, but I would encourage you to trust your own inner voice here as you have done so far. It makes sense to be aware that this is a community that you've never been involved in and to reach out for a sense check -- that's absolutely a great way to do this. I'm very glad that you were honest about how you felt towards her and that you stated what your preferences were, even if this is "normal" within the community. This is a good example of you not betraying yourself and sticking up for yourself. So absolutely do approach future issues you have about this with that approach.

To summarise, if this is something you don't want to do, don't do it. Ask to have these conversations in person. If she is so rigid that she needs this sort of thing to be completed in paper, I think you may not be compatible in terms of what your needs are.

I hope this helps and good luck!