Pretend Affair

My wife and I are in our early 40's and have been together for a little over 15 years, married for 12 of those. We have a good sex life and are very attracted to one another. We have very different sexual backgrounds where she was more open and had lots of experiences while I was very reserved and had only two partners prior to.

We had a few at least in my eyes very kinky experiences with others which consisted of her hooking up with her female roommate. On a couple of occasions before moving in together myself and my three male roommates had sex with her as well. Super adventurous stuff for me. All that ended pretty early on.

Fast forward to present day and we've always been pretty kinky with each other. She works in aesthetics and I get to hear the stories of clients and such. Some of those stories included clients who got involved with only fans and the like. Mostly joking she brought up the wealth they had accumulated and admitted she would like to out what she has on display for other men to see and that the thought turns her on.

Over time that never materialized but we took a different avenue and somehow got settled on getting off to her getting dominated by a large, well endowed guy. It took some time no doubt but this mutual fantasy came together on her birthday weekend in August. The guy was a male dancer model and I was present for some of the time between them that weekend. We just kind of let things go as organically as possible and we got off to it. I'm very undersized and he was big but not anything crazy and it appealed to me and my wife left very satisfied.

Now my current dilemma. I preemptively ask for no judgement as I'm ashamed in a way about the apprehensiveness or at least the reason for why I have it. We did some research and came across the story of a couple where the wife carried on a fake affair where her new partner had no idea of the arrangement. It was exciting yet sat a touch uneasy with the lack of disclosure. Nonetheless we proceeded with a similar path and she started communicating with a guy she met on a hookup site. She/we planned it out where she was playing the role of being shy while chatting with him with the forwardness and charged sex chat happening when I returned from a business trip.

All excited and really worked up for a few days we got geared up for some chat when she looked at me and said something to the effect of not to judge her. I’ll preface by saying the previous hook up guy was basically a clone of me physically just more endowed and has much more time for the gym. So she video calls the guy for the first time with the understanding it’s gone beyond just website messages and texts. From the periphery I see him pop up and not only is he nothing like me but he’s African American.

Not what I expected and an immediate sense of insecurity came over me because we are polar opposites. My mind started racing during it and I was like wow, my wife wants something very very different from me. They ended up having some video phone sex. After the call ended she immediately turned to me and said “oh my god, tell me what you’re thinking”. I told her I was a bit surprised but I hid my unease I assume out of being defensive. We talked about it and she acknowledged she’s had a bit of a fantasy about that for a long time and it’s been exacerbated by some of her friends stories and dating choices etc.

As of now they’ve just had the video sex a couple times but are tentatively set to get together this weekend. My wife’s been working out even harder than usual, eating better than usual, etc. I’ve acknowledged a measure of embarrassment for my feelings but also would like to have this or some variant of it as a portion of our sex life.

There are likely three major components about this situation that are triggering some of your intense feelings.

The first one is that, based upon your description of this person and previous encounters you've had with your partner, this is a situation where your partner is interested in someone who is very different from you. It makes sense that this would trigger feelings within you, especially if this is a type of fantasy that she's had for a long time.

When presented with a situation where your partner wants something you definitely can't provide, some people find comfort in the fact that someone else is able to meet a need a partner has and they don't feel threatened by that whereas other people feel more threatened and inadequate. Even if you have been non-monogamous for quite awhile, if this is a situation where not only are you being compared in terms of your genitalia, but also this person's physical appearance is very different from yours.

The second component that I think is contributing to this is dishonesty. In previous situations where the people you played with were well aware that your wife was your wife and your hierarchies were pretty clearly set, you knew where your place was. But, if I understand your letter correctly, the aspect of this kink involves basically someone you're playing with doesn't know that your wife is your wife.

So from his perspective, he is speaking to someone who is actually available for potentially becoming his wife or long term partner, which really changes the stakes. I want to stress that while I don't judge you or your wife for having this fantasy, I do think that it's extremely unethical and unfair to this guy. It's one thing to have a casual hookup with someone and not tell them that you're married, but if I understand this correctly, your wife is pretending to have an "affair" and while it may be pretend for you both, it's not pretend for this third person who may be looking for a genuine, loving monogamous relationship.

While I do think your feelings are being triggered by the idea that this person is actual competition because he is interested in her in a relationship specific way, rather than just a hookup, I think that in the spirit of being sexually open and adventurous, both of you are crossing a few lines here. All of the people involved in your play should be consenting fully to the situation and this third person isn't consenting.

Whether there is a real risk of your partner deciding to go with him or not is a fear you could choose to cope with and slowly remove the power from, but I'm not so sure if I want to encourage you to ignore the fact that there is a third person involved in this situation whose destination is likely only going to be heartbreak. It's easier for you to cope with this fear because you can just have a conversation with your wife about how much you mean to each other but this third person, once he does realise that not only is your wife your wife, but also that you both knew this and did this for kink reasons... that's a much, much bigger punch than I think maybe you both can appreciate.

The third component might be responsible for how you both ended up in this unethical non-monogamous situation. You're exploring a form of non-monogamy that seems focused on sexual adventures rather than actually building and cultivating relationships with other people – which is absolutely fine, but it doesn't seem like you've actually discussed this. Because what you're doing crosses a line, not only ethically, but also beyond it just being a hookup, it's unsurprising that this is a different type of situation that would trigger deeper types of feelings.

Have you actually sat down and discussed your monogamy or monogamish situation, if either of you actually want other romantic relationships, what happens if a regular fling turns into something deeper? If you've just been going along with this because it pleases your wife and it isn't a bad deal for you, then there may be a lot of discussions you've not really had that someone who is pursuing other romantic relationships would typically discuss. I think discussing those types of things might be something that would soothe your anxieties.

I don't think you need to feel ashamed about being apprehensive that your partner considers it a long term fantasy to be sexual with someone who is very different physically from you but I do worry that you both are feeling apprehensive for the wrong reason. I desperately hope I have misunderstood your letter and maybe this other guy who is so different from you is aware that your wife is your wife and the "affair" is purely a theoretical role play.

If that is not the case and this guy believes he is speaking to a woman who is not currently married or dating and is interested in a monogamous partnership, I would really encourage you both to end this situation for the sake of that guy as soon as humanly possible. If you want to play with the idea of her having an "affair", you absolutely can do that with a knowing and willingly consenting third party. I understand that may not be the "full" fantasy but sometimes our full fantasies are too problematic and painful for other people to actually act on.

If I have misread this and the third party is fully aware of the situation, then my suggestion would be to have the conversation with each other about where non-monogamy fits into your life, how much time will be spent with other partners (even if the "affair" is not real) and spent with you, and review my 101 and 102 articles to work through some of those understandable feelings of comparing yourself to other partners.

I hope this helps and good luck!