Regretting Polyamory

My partner and I have been exploring ENM for the last few years after they suggested it. That quickly turned into polyamory and we both found ourselves in separate relationships that have gone on for around 18months (and are still ongoing).

Me and one of my other partners have recently told each other that we love each other. For me it’s such a beautiful feeling and has made me realise there are many levels and different types of love. It has also made the love I feel for my primary partner feel even stronger. It’s pure magic!

Unfortunately they are really struggling with it, their nervous system is all over the place. They’ve told me she can’t handle me being in love with someone else and is also now questioning what the word “love” means and that it’s lost its meaning. They have said they can’t be the one to pull the plug on polyamory and it has to be my decision but that they can’t continue as we are because it’s too painful.

Do we stop polyamory for the sake of thier mental health and their nervous system?

First and foremost, I'm sorry you're going through such a difficult period. I don't think there is really an easy solution for this type of situation where it seems like non-monogamy morphed into a more polyamorous setup without you and your partner really discussing what this meant for either of you and now your partner is having what we in the South would call a "come to Jesus moment" in not so many words. There is an element of that that unfortunately you can't really help or solve for them. They need to do the soul searching involved and figure out whether they want polyamory and what they are and aren't comfortable with.

However, what I absolutely don't appreciate and wouldn't myself tolerate is basically someone forcing me to make a decision based on their own feelings. The fact of the matter is, it doesn't have to be your decision. They don't have to force you into what's basically choosing between two partners. Granted, they can not help the sort of emotional turmoil they're going through but they can absolutely help being a grown adult and deciding to own their own choices and, if they cannot cope with the idea of you loving someone else, decide to break up with you and pursue the non-polyamorous relationships that they actually want.

Forcing you into a position where you have to choose between two partners is in my opinion pretty cruel and unfair. Part of non-monogamy, even if you decide you will limit yourself to being romantically involved with only one person, involves being able to say "no" and "when" in certain situations. In fact, I would argue that if your partner cannot sit with the discomfort of you being in love with others and wants a relationship where they and another person promise to end relationships if they develop past a certain point (because nobody can control who they fall in love with) then they must have a lot more self control than this and they must be willing to end relationships that do not fit their goals or mold of what it is that they want.

They are not forcing you to "pull the plug on polyamory". That is a sugar coating of what is the real thing they are asking for. They are asking you to dump someone you now love because they are uncomfortable and unwilling to sit in that discomfort or unwilling to break up with you to find the style of relationship they want. Now it's time for you to ask yourself -- do you want to be in a relationship with someone who asks this of you? In the future, I would advise you to have clear discussions with people about whether they want polyamory or not and how other partners fit into their lives -- but that's something a lot of people starting out do not do (which is why I am putting together a starter course for polyamory) so that you can avoid this going forward.

But as of right now, unfortunately, your partner is putting you into this position. This isn't a "we" decision. Your partner is putting this decision wholly on you. I can't peer inside of their head and figure out why they are doing this. But I know if I were in this situation, I would never appreciate someone forcing me into this type of "pick between partners" situation, especially while trying to sugar coat it with the idea that it's not a "choose between partners" and is instead "pull the plug on polyamory". It's unfair to me and it's unfair to the other partner I have.

While I absolutely respect that they are having mental health struggles over this and maybe, sure, they do not want polyamory and that is also valid. But the way to deal with that, in my opinion, is to own your own decisions and make the decisions that need to be made in order to stand in those decisions. It makes me wonder if your partner were put into the same position by someone else if they would be able to "pull the plug" on someone they loved. I can't tell you what partner to choose. I can only tell you that that is the actual choice that's in front of you and encourage you to have your own "come to Jesus" moment and decide what type of relationship you actually want.

I hope this helps and good luck.