Rules about love

My partner and I got married recently, which in these COVID-19 times was amazing! A month before the wedding however he said that he would like to start exploring non-monogamy separately. In the past we would explore together or under the same roof. I agreed and We spoke about acceptable boundaries at the time.

He quickly found two connections which escalated quickly, the two girls really liked each other and they formed a type of trio. I felt pretty left out as the idea of three girls and a guy dynamic wasn't appealing. One of the things I asked at the beginning was if there were feelings of love, to speak to me about it first. After a weekend away with the girls I asked him if he felt like he would fall in love with the one he was closest to. He replied, ‘yes I think we are - we discussed it at the weekend’. Admittedly they were drunk but it felt like a huge betrayal.

We then had productive deep and meaningful conversations following this as in their NRE I had felt frankly forgotten about. He kept certain things from me as he didn’t want to have the conversations which may cause upset. I asked if we could just focus on us for a while and he agreed.

He then said the day after that he felt sad and that he didn’t want to change the dynamic with the other girls (one especially). He did agree to put more effort into our relationship and be more mindful of me. The one thing I do not doubt from him is his love for me. One of the things we agreed to was for me to feel more involved in their relationship for which I felt positive about.

I just can’t shake a feeling from which I recognise from previous relationships. That uncomfortable feeling when an ex-partner starts dating someone else. The difference is we’re still together and it’s making me feel quite defensive and critical. I just can’t shake it, the thought of the other girl is in my mind a lot, the comparisons and what my mind conjures up when they’re together. It’s starting to affect my own emotional wellbeing and I’m feeling sad a lot of the time. I think it’s feeding into a gremlin I formed as a child of not feeling good enough, and having a scarcity of love growing up.

I love my partner so much, I need a way of reducing the negative thoughts and feelings so that I can feel better in myself and the relationships. I’m pretty sure I’m not a hoot to live with currently.

Update: the week after we had the big chats he had a therapy session which made him realise that he may not be in love with the girl, that there could have been an element of codependency. The prior chat we had though was like a stab, it hurt me and the wound is still there. The potential of it happening again with another girl in the future is there too.

There is an element here that you really can’t escape which I see you attempting to do in some ways — you’re going to be afraid that your partner will leave you for someone else. If, in previous relationships, you haven’t had good experiences with it, then it’s going to be even more of an anxious time for you this time around.

This is likely the reason behind you created this rule — where if he felt “feelings of love” he had to speak to you “at the beginning”. While this may sound like a good rule, the problem with it is that it’s not as clear as it may sound and it doesn’t actually help. In general, what it seems like you actually want is reassurance and also to not be left in the dust when your partner gets involved with someone new, which is a completely understandable rule. But you can’t create that with this rule. And all it ends up doing is creating these feelings of betrayal when he doesn’t come to you at the right time to have a conversation.

Furthermore, you say he’s kept things from you because he doesn’t want to have upsetting conversations. It’s hard to say whether or not there’s an expectation of you to know more than needs to be said because that’s often what happens when people are worried about their partners leaving — they think that more information will prevent their partners from leaving them especially if they have previously been doing non-monogamy as a couple.

However, he shouldn’t be avoiding conversations because they might be upsetting. If he wants to keep some things private — because his partners do have a right to their privacy with him as well — then he should be able to tell you instead of avoiding it. He can put more effort into your relationship without changing the dynamic or telling you details about his other relationships. I feel like your anxiety is pushing for you to know more details and to be more involved thinking it can and will change his behaviour, but realistically I don’t think that would help — and it’s not really essentially fair for you and him to agree things about relationships he has with other people.

Ultimately there is going to be some discomfort. Instead of avoiding it, you’re going to need to sit through some of it. You’re going to have to trust your partner will support you when you need to and be able to have discussions with them if they are shifting focus from you. If you have a partner who is not good at attending to your needs, no amount of rules or involvement in his relationships is going to be able to change that.

I wrote an article about mistakes people make when they begin polyamory and some of those preemptive steps in terms of finding your anchor and also facing your fears might be helpful for you. Definitely also make sure that, if it’s accessible for you, that you are doing some therapy on your own and able to focus on some coping techniques for dealing with anxiety. Remember there is only so much you can prevent on your own.

I hope that helps and good luck!