Scared to Try Polyamory

I wanted to ask for some advice regarding how to go about dealing with the anxiety and sadness that can arise during the transition from monogamy to nonmonogamy. My partner wants to explore the world of nonmonogamy and having other partners and I at the moment really have no interest in forming connections with other people besides her but I want support her and learn with her through this new experience and adventure.

I’ve loved listening to some of your episodes and have felt great comfort at coming to know that fear and anxiety are normal and that doesn’t mean that I can’t do this. I am still trying to determine my anchor and will put more thought to that but was wondering about any tips to try to overcome the anxiety and sadness I feel when thinking about my partner dating other people and having more partners.

I think the dynamic of only her seeking out other connections is making me a bit anxious and while Im aware that I don’t not in anyway have to compete for her love and attention, I’m still experiencing heavy feelings of anxiety and sadness surrounding this new journey and don’t particularly love the persistent lump in my throat or the feeling in my chest and the nerves and sadness what are coming up unexpectedly. I feel hopeful that this can get better and want to be as open as possible but am scared of feeling this unhappy and anxious for a long long time.

Also for a bit more detail we’ve been together for 11 months and we are in the very early stages of talking about non monogamy and haven’t even established boundaries yet or anything like that there is will lots of learning and communication that needs to take place. 

First off, I think anxiety and sadness is pretty typical of this situation and it seems like you've done your best to try and find your anchor, but there's also an element here you've not really touched on which I think contributes pretty significantly towards the anxiety you're feeling.

One of the most critical steps is talking together about how much time you want to spend with each other and the amount of time you want to spend with other people. The anxiety and trepidation you feel is logical. Agreeing to non-monogamy means agreeing to a situation where your partner spends less time with you than you would typically get within monogamy.

You will absolutely lose something – time together – when your partner does find someone else to date and that is something to mourn that you have to cope with. If you figure out what time you will definitely have with your partner then you don't have to fear what changes may come from your partner having other relationships.

It's possible that neither of you know for sure how many partners you want to have or how you want to divide your time, but having some idea or at least imagining your lives with one other partner each and dividing your time and immediately spending that time apart (even if you just spend it on your own) is really critical in the first stages. This isn't to say your anxiety is going to magically melt away, but figuring out what your time difference is going to look like can help a lot with the reasonable and understandable fear of the unknown.

Another thing that I think that could help you out is, instead of dismissing your feelings, acknowledge that your feelings and fears are coming from a real place. When you say "I'm aware that I don't have to compete for her love and attention" in a way you're both denying the reality of the situation and also putting the responsibility of the situation entirely on your shoulders.

The truth of the matter is that outside of just being a decent person and being willing to work in a relationship, we do not have control over whether our partners decide to stay with us or not. While people like to say that polyamory isn't about comparing people and it definitely isn't, people do compare relationships and compare people. The difference here is that monogamy doesn't save anybody from that.

Because there is a social script for monogamy, we tend to think that our relationships are "safe" and that there is generally no external threat. But the fact of the matter is, you and your partner could go right back to monogamy and decide that polyamory isn't for you tomorrow. Then maybe two weeks from now your partner meets someone at work or in some other social situation she gets on fantastically with, gets to know them, and ends up having feelings for them. If your partner is going to fall out of love with you and if others are "competing" for her attention, monogamy doesn't solve that problem. You actually don't really have full control over that. Putting the responsibility to prevent this on your shoulders likely is contributing to your anxiety greatly.

Believing that not only that you can control ultimately whether or not your partner is interested in you (outside of just doing the obvious to be a good person) and thinking that monogamy is going to save you from that is probably something that greatly impacts your anxiousness because your brain sees a problem (your partner potentially leaving you) and a potential solution (going back to monogamy) and it's itching at you to "solve" the problem by going back to a place where you felt safe. In response, you're telling your anxiety what a lot of people who start off in polyamory do which is, "We are special. We are unique. We have something to offer our partner." And I'm not saying that's not true. I'm sure you do offer something unique and your partner does care about you greatly.

The problem I have with using this to reaffirm yourself is that it sends the message, again, not only that you can control whether or not your partners stay by offering something but also that it's your job to keep everyone around and if they don't or haven't stuck around, it's your fault somehow. It puts an enormous amount of pressure on you in this situation to "keep" your partner, to be interesting, to, in your own words, compete for her attention. Even as you're trying to tell yourself that you don't have to, if you put this responsibility on your shoulders, then it's not surprising you feel such strong amounts of anxiety and sadness. You're reaffirming yourself against the idea that you have to compete with something that actually tells you that you are in competition with others.

So, rather than telling yourself that there is no competition, be real with yourself and say, "There may be a competition but whether or not that happens is not something I can control. It's not my responsibility to keep people around. Monogamy is not a guarantee that competition would go away." The fear you're experiencing makes sense. Within your letter I don't necessarily see yourself as defined by these emotions, but if that is something that you have been experiencing, it's important to remember that none of these emotions define you as a person. If you validate them, allow yourself to experience them, and understand a bit where they come from, then you may feel less intense as time goes on.

To sum up, I think having some baseline discussions with your partner about the time you spend together would help you immensely. Recognising what is and isn't within your control, validating your feelings and switching around how you decide to affirm yourself isn't necessarily going to cure your anxiety overnight. I think there is an element of seeing your partner coming back to you that is going to get better in my experience over time that generally holds true.

I hope this helps and good luck!