Taking a Break in Polyamory

I need advice because I’m realizing that non-monogamy is not for me or not for me right now. I live with one partner who I’ve been with for almost 4 years. We spent a year living apart for most of 2023 and almost half of 2024. During this time I dated an ex partner who I met back in 2020 and we’ve been dating now for about a year. I underestimated how much juggling and overall emotional expense It would be living with a partner again and still dating another. It makes me very anxious, especially the thought of hurting anyone. I’d now like to break things off with the partner that I do not live with and work things out monogomishly (spelled on purpose)  with the partner that I currently live with. Any advice on breaking up and deescalating my life out of non-monogamy? I don't want to close the door forever but it's just not something I feel capable of mentally right now. I understand that you are more pro nonmonogamy but wasn’t sure who else to ask.

The thing that makes me a bit worried about your decision to end things with your other partner is your comment that you had "underestimated how much juggling and overall emotional expense it would be living with a partner again and still dating another". I think it's worth exploring why that is the case. Is it this particular partner or is it living with a partner? Do you have to live with a partner? It's not necessarily that I would say I am "pro non-monogamy" but rather, in favour of you making the best decision for what is actually going to work out best for you. If temporarily relieving this situation by going back to monogamy only contributes towards more of a hassle for you later on, then I wouldn't say that is the best decision for you.

I'm also wondering if you have a clear discussion with any of your partners about what type of polyamory you want to practice and how much time you will have with them individually and the amount of time you will have with yourself. Do they understand the expectations of your time and are they okay with those things? I don't think being "monogamish" is going to solve the problem necessarily. Especially if that is not actually where you think you will want to be in the long term.

The second thing that makes me worry about this situation is that you're anxious about the thought of hurting anyone. While that makes total sense and it's not to say that is something bad, the concern is that if you're so afraid of hurting people that you end up making decisions that you don't want to make because you're more afraid of hurting other people than you are of betraying yourself with decisions that you later may end up regretting. Are you making this decision for your own personal best interest or are you making this decision to avoid someone else feeling bad?

If you're struggling to balance multiple partners at the moment, I think that rather than trying to live "monogamishly" with your partner, I would suggest you firming up the time you want to spend with them vs the time you want to spend with other partners and maintain that separation, even if it means spending time on your own. Sometimes even when people haven't closed the door on non-monogamy, they may end up in a situation where, when they break up with one partner and live with another, they end up spending all of their time with their remaining partner. Then when they meet someone new, a lot of anxiety and fear can come from losing that time.

So, if you end up deciding that you want to only have one partner for now, that can work if it's for the right reasons, but make sure you don't default to spending more time with the partner you live with than you would spend with them if you had another partner.

I hope this helps and good luck!