Taking It Slow

I've been polyamorous for about a year now with my partner of also a year. We are nesting partners. We have started getting close with a friend of mine who used to be poly but their husband didn’t want to be poly anymore so they closed it off.

We got closer because I was going to help her try and leave her abusive situation, and she started helping me with recognizing how I was feeling with polyamory and jealousy, processing this transition. She has been a huge support for me. I feel anxious when my partner is on dates with other folks, so I leaned on her for support because she understood. She also started getting really close with my partner, and while normally this would make me feel good, still anxious because new things and my own traumas. I am still unlearning and learning, doing all the reading and therapy and talking with coaches to help with my anxiety, so it’s very much on me to work on this. She has stated she is interested in both of us and is wanting more than friends.

He and I set an agreements that we were not going to get involved with her beyond hugging and cuddling on the couch platonically, until she is out of the situation. Since then she took me on a date that I thought was platonic and was not (my bad), and she’s going on intentional dates with him. This agreement made me feel safe because she’s married, in an abusive situation and because we are all friends we could take it slow when she leaves her husband. Within the last few days I explained to her mine and my partners agreements involving her, and why I think it’s important, and she said it wasn’t fair because in the moment people can’t help themselves. Which I understand but also, it sounds like she’s giving herself the go ahead and disregarding my feelings. I wanted us all to be on the same page so no lines get blurred.

Last night, I went to bed earlier than normal, because I had to work, while they hung out on the couch to hang longer. I came out later to get some water and I saw him without his shirt on. I knew immediately our agreement had been broken. He drove her home after that, came back and I asked him if they kissed and he said they did. I’m completely heartbroken, and unsure what to do. My issue isn’t with the kissing, it’s the dishonesty. I want to super clarify I love my friend and I love my partner, but I’m sad because I have lost lots of trust in two such important people.

Thanks in advance, I know it’s a lot, but I could appreciate any advice.

A lot of polyamorous people harp against rules. I don't think rules are inherently bad but I think people expect rules to do things that rules can't do. The rule of monogamy is that you will be exclusive with one person, but people don't always follow that rule.

That rule doesn't prevent people from falling out of love with their partners and falling in love with others. It can't. The rule itself isn't the issue, but the way people execute it often is. I think any time you have a rule, you need to also discuss what you will do if and when it is broken.

For example, when we make rules around sexual health in relationships, such as always using condoms with others, it's also important to think about what you would do if the condom broke or if it didn't happen. In this case, you're making rules to try and control the behaviour of people which is in turn supposed to control their emotions.

You're trying to prevent your partner and you from going "too fast" but what is essentially "too fast" emotionally is not really something that people have a mutual or shared understanding of and, to an extent I agree with your friend, in that people do things in the heat of the moment.

But what is the fear behind going too fast? I believe there's a two fold issue here. One is the worry of broken hearts. This is understandable to want to protect both yourself and your partner from, however, I believe that there is only so much you can do to protect yourself from heartbreak and I don't think you should necessarily put in rules to protect your partner in such a parent-like way.

It's not your job to protect your partner from heartbreak. He is a grown adult capable of managing his own feelings. Likewise, I think there is only a certain amount of control you have in protecting yourself from heartbreak. If we could all control how fast we fall for people or how deeply we feel, the world would be a much easier place.

The second part of this fear is a very understandable fear of losing your partner's time or what you have established together being switched over. Especially if you are nesting partners and in your mind you have very much been a "primary" partner. The problem sometimes with creating a hierarchy is that you create something of value to lose.

You being "the nesting partner" is something you can lose. You can be replaced. So there is more there to fear. Not to mention, when a lot of people open their relationship, they put in rules to try to control emotions but rarely if ever consider the actual division of their time and energy. There's so much fear about losing the original couple that most of the focus goes on that.

You cannot control the feelings and how fast they develop and I don't encourage you to try. This, to me, is not the best situation to be in and I would advise you to avoid dating this woman while she is getting out of an abusive situation. Not only because it is technically cheating if she is not informing her partner (though I understand why she is not doing that, it is still cheating) but because she is in a particularly vulnerable state and might be only developing emotions for her "rescuers" because of the fact you're helping her and those high emotions may not last. Dating as a couple, especially a vulnerable woman, just isn't a good start to this situation and I encourage you to read Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft for more of an understanding on how to support someone coming out of an abusive relationship.

Not to mention, you've used this woman as a support for your current relationship which puts her in an extremely awkward place as a partner or a metamour. Metamours or other partners should not be used for emotional support in relationship issues with other partners. It's possible most of your bond with her has to do with her being your "rescuer" in a way which is definitely going to fade now that you can't turn to her for your problems with your current partner.

If what you have is polyamory, technically despite whatever agreements you're trying to make your partner make with you, honestly you cannot control who he dates. You also cannot force him to see the precariousness of this situation or the power he has over this woman by rescuing her.

While I believe your agreements make sense and are the best way forward, if your partner is only agreeing with them to appease you, it doesn't seem like that is the best situation here. It seems like these agreements are mostly coming from you attempting to control them. And that doesn't necessarily excuse both of their behaviours in terms of breaking your agreements, so it is also very valid that you would feel hurt by this.

For me, someone lying to me and not telling me they did something until I asked would be a huge issue. I'm not sure if I would be comfortable with a violation of trust on that level and I would likely nope out of this situation. But if your desire is to make things work with your partner instead of bowing out of this situation completely, my suggestion is to go completely parallel with this situation as much as possible.

Help her as a friend if and when she needs it, but stop being the administrator between you and your partner and her. Accept that there is no point in placing "agreements" down that only you agree to and get into couple's counselling with your partner about the lack of honesty and about his willingness to agree to things he doesn't intend on upholding.

I would have clear discussions with your partner about how much scheduled, intentional time you have together (living in the same house is not inherently scheduled, intentional time) and make sure that is planned and will only change in emergencies or with mutual discussions.

If at all possible, I would consider alternative living options if he insists on moving her into your shared space and refuses to accept your "no" on that, and I think you should say "no" to that because moving in together is a huge step which definitely is happening too fast. Step in and be your own administrator of your own relationship and control your own behaviour instead of trying to control theirs.

Your emotions here are totally valid and understandable. The agreements you tried to put in place make sense and your desire to help your friend is well placed, but unfortunately there is only so much about this situation that you can actually control.

I hope this helps and good luck!