Trapped in a Thruple

I am a female in a poly relationship with a man and a women who have been together for 10 years, the three of us have been together 2 . About 6 months into our relationship I found out they had been perusing and participated in cheating on me with men after they had me move in with my children and essentially give up all my independence. 

I stayed, but I’m not okay. I’m changed as a person, I’m anxious and sad a lot of the time. But I love them so much that I don’t leave. We have a 2 month old together and now more then ever the betrayal has been fresh in my brain as if it just happened.  How can we move forward when I'm still so hurt and stuck?

First off I want to say that I am so incredibly sorry to hear about this and what's happened to you. I am deeply concerned by the fact, regardless of the cheating and anything else involved here, that you do not have any independence.

I would never advise any adult, even if they are involved with someone they have known for over a decade, to enter into a situation where their autonomy and independence is taken from them. If I were you, I would make it your first and foremost priority to get your independence back. Reach out to women's shelters if you need to, friends, family members or anybody else to try and see if there are any routes for you to be physically away from these people. Seek out some pro-bono legal services regarding any shared children you may have with these people.

Generally speaking, if I removed the cheating from everything else, I would suggest you potentially have some discussions among you to figure out the reasons behind the cheating rather than immediately ejecting from the relationship to see if there are problems that could be addressed. But my concern with the combination of this situation is not only have you not been together for that long but that they also didn't see an issue with you joining your households together, involving children at such a quick speed and giving up your independence.

Honestly, even if there was no cheating and lying involved that risked your personal health, I would be really hesitant about the behaviour of people who rush in to move so quickly and especially if they are okay with essentially you having no personal independence. All of this is combining in a way that is really giving me personally a lot of pause.

If you don't want to leave the relationship right away, that's fine. But I think first and foremost, you need to regain your independence and be hesitant in the future of moving in with people so quickly after a relationship has started, especially if it involves you being dependent upon others.

Seek out help from your friends, family members, and if you don't have that, talk to a women's crisis center or a women's shelter and see what options you have for regaining your independence and getting back on your feet. Once you have that, you will be in a better position to decide if you really want to be with these people and if you can move past this situation. I don't think anybody, if completely robbed of their independence, can make a fully actualised decision about a relationship without having the power to change their circumstances. Get back that power as soon as you possibly can and take whatever help you need to.

As a side note, if you are in the US and you don't have a degree or a means of earning your own income and you meet the age requirement, I would look up Job Corps. Even if you have children, they might be a way for you to get out on your own, get trained in a specific career, and get your independence back.

I hope this helps and good luck!