Wanting to Be a Priority

I started dating Roby nine months ago. When we began, he mentioned he was in a recently started polyamorous relationship that he didn't feel emotionally connected to. I was also fresh out of a monogamous relationship and open to dating people in non-monogamous setups.

Initially, I mistakenly assumed his ex-partner initiated non-monogamy, and he preferred monogamous relationships. After couple of dates while already having strong feelings for each other, I realized non-monogamy was his preference, and his previous relationships were mostly open. Initially, I considered ending things but decided to give non-monogamy a try. I've never tried before.

At the beginning it was really nice. I am still very appreciated by the freedom I get that I've never tasted all my life. However, as my feelings for him deepened, coping with non-monogamy became increasingly difficult. It had become more and more painful. Although I understand non-monogamous relationships intellectually and rationally and even sometimes find myself drawn to flirting with others, the emotional toll is overwhelming. 

I think somehow that it could be something for me, because I was in love with my best friend for 10 years while having 2 different romantic relationships during this period. I have always crushes in a relationship and sometimes enjoy causality. I kinda broke up with my first boyfriend because I wanted to have more sexual experiences but didn't see non-monogamy as an option back then.I kinda think it could suit me; however, it's giving such a big anxiety that I cannot sleep at night. After Roby has an experience with someone and wants to talk to me, the pain in my heart is unbearable.

The nights he is out, it's just unbearable and incredibly painful and it got more and more during this 7-8 month. 2 months ago, we had a talk and decided to close relationship for a while, but I feel the pressure of expiration. The fear of losing him, the fear of being replaced is always there but I sleep better. Sometimes even non-monogamy-related content triggers anxiety for me. 

Don't get angry with me (I know, you wouldn't) but even your podcast or website is a threat. I just want to escape the world that non-monogamy is not exist. On the other hand, I've always struggled with relationship anxiety (alcoholic and cheating dad, classic story of abandonment fear), but it usually lessens after a couple of years. My codependency or desire to spend more time together decreases after a while. In general, Roby is the kind of person who divides his energy and time between his friends and me.

He doesn't prioritize romantic relationship over another romantic/non-romantic relationship. I already feel like the frequency of meeting isn't enough for me, so what will happen when another sexual or romantic partner is involved? When it would be a hobby or work, I think I would still complain but it would be more okay than being replaced by someone. I want to establish a rule that I should be the primary partner. Is it wrong to ask this?

As someone who has never been loved primarily in her life, is it wrong to expect it in a relationship when some people could provide it? Or should I stay in this relationship for as long as I can remain the primary partner?Also, one of the biggest topics with my therapist (who also anormalizes non-monogamous relationships, because she thinks the more time spent outside of the relationship such as with other partner, hobby or work would decrease the connection between partners) is that I basically don't know how to prioritize my needs.

Currently I'm dealing with many problems such as loss of a family, grief, loneliness... How will I know if it is too much for me or right time for me additionally working on anxiety of opening the relationship? I am very happy with Roby. Our communication is great. We are very connected.

Sometimes I feel like it's worth it but sometimes I feel like if I would be in a different setting surrounded by family and friends (all my friends are monogamous), I'd feel emotionally stronger and deal with the anxiety easier. 

The very first thing that I usually encourage people to ask themselves, if they are interested in non-monogamy, before they get into any of the emotional aspects of it is this: Would you be happy in a monogamous relationship where your partner does not spend a good deal of their time with you as you would typically get in a romantic relationship? Like where your partner had a time intensive career or hobby and did not spend a lot of time at home.

Because people can be unaffected by jealousy or the emotional ups and downs that I think non-monogamy typically brings most people -- but they still would like to have a good deal of their time with a romantic partner.

My concern here is less with your ability to prioritise your needs or even with the emotional ups and downs you say you experience and more with the issue that you already feel you do not get enough time with your partner and there isn't even another regular partner involved in the mix. Asking to be a "primary" partner doesn't seem to be the solution to this, especially if your partner has no desire to prioritise their time in such a way, which you have already indicated Roby does in practice currently.

You're not wrong to want a relationship where time with you is prioritised but that may not be what you will get with Roby. Choosing monogamy doesn't mean one is incapable of loving or being attracted to more than one person at a time. Plenty of people who are monogamous are more than capable of that. So your experience of loving or crushing on multiple people doesn't necessarily mean polyamory is for you.

Some of the emotional stuff you have experienced could be worked through, but on a core level, regardless of the style of polyamory you choose to practice, you are inherently choosing a setup where you do not get as much time as you would get with any given partner than you would in a monogamous relationship. I don't see a deep desire here for multiple experiences or a desire for alone time that would make that lack of time you would get with Roby worth it.

I would not ask to be a "primary" but I would speak with Roby about the amount of scheduled, dedicated time he is willing to commit to you and I would suggest you immediately begin sticking to that schedule (though that already seems to be the case since you say he divides his time between all relationships). If Roby can't give you the time that you need to sustain a relationship, then this isn't about whether or not you're polyamorous but whether or not you're compatible. Two people can both be capable of polyamory but still incompatible -- just like two people can be monogamous but still not compatible.

So ask for the time you need. If he can't give you the time, I would really encourage you to think about whether or not you should stick around. As much as I know it is painful to walk away at this point, I have seen many many times that people who force themselves into any kind of relationship that doesn't serve them waste years of their life unhappy until the resentment builds until any connection they had with the person is soiled by it.

I hope this helps and good luck!