What is an anchor?

Polyamory is not simply an upgrade from monogamy; it is an entirely different way of living. When making the shift from monogamy to polyamory, one should not expect that the transition will happen without challenges. Just like a couple expecting a child should anticipate changes in their daily life, entering into polyamory demands a similar recognition: things will change, even if it doesn't seem that way at first.

In navigating these changes, you need something to hold onto—something stable. This is where the concept of an "anchor" comes in, which is a concept I have created. An anchor is a personal, solid reason for choosing polyamory that helps you stay grounded during times of uncertainty. It's not about anyone else; it's about you and your needs.

Why do you need an anchor in polyamory?

Polyamory introduces significant shifts in how relationships are structured, and it's crucial to have a reason that is intrinsically valuable to you. If your reason for embracing polyamory is based on external factors, such as keeping your partner happy or holding onto a relationship that may no longer align with your needs, the foundation may not be sustainable.

For example, if you decide to explore polyamory solely because your partner wants to, or because you're in a relationship with someone who identifies as polyamorous, you're not making the decision for yourself. This external motivation could create unrealistic expectations and leave you unprepared for the realities of polyamory.

An anchor helps you reflect on why you're choosing polyamory for your own benefit, not because you're trying to save a relationship or meet someone else's needs. When times get tough, your anchor provides the clarity and strength to continue on your polyamorous journey, despite challenges.

Identifying your anchor

A common reason people explore polyamory is to preserve an existing relationship. However, if the primary motivation is to avoid a breakup or keep a partner happy, it can be difficult to find personal fulfilment in this decision. Your anchor should be a reason that resonates with you personally and gives you something to rely on when the going gets tough.

Finding your anchor can be challenging, especially when your relationship feels threatened. However, understanding the long-held societal emphasis on monogamy and the cultural scripts we've been taught about relationships can help. Monogamy has been ingrained as a norm from childhood, which can make the decision to shift towards non-monogamy feel unsettling.

But in recognizing how deeply monogamy has shaped our thinking, you can uncover a personal, more fulfilling reason to embrace polyamory. It may take time, but your anchor will help you navigate the uncertainty and provide clarity in moments of doubt.

What your anchor in polyamory is about

The most important aspect of an anchor in polyamory is that it is personal and unique to you. It’s your reason for engaging in polyamory that has nothing to do with others. It's the strength to stand firm when your relationship dynamics change or when societal expectations challenge your path.

If you're struggling to find your anchor, consider this: polyamory is not a one-size-fits-all approach. Your anchor might be the freedom to explore connections with others, the desire for deeper emotional growth, or the wish to break away from societal expectations about relationships.

Whatever your anchor is, ensure it is something that sustains you during difficult times and reminds you why polyamory is worth exploring—on your own terms.

How having an anchor in polyamory helps

When polyamory or non-monogamy becomes a reality, it can be emotionally challenging. Your anchor is what helps you process those feelings and stay grounded. It offers clarity when confusion arises, especially when your relationship dynamics shift in unexpected ways.

In summary, an anchor in polyamory is your reason for choosing this path that is deeply personal, independent of others’ desires, and resilient enough to help you navigate the changes in your relationships. Without a clear anchor, the journey might be more challenging, but with one, you’ll be able to weather the storm with greater confidence and understanding.