What is don't ask, don't tell or DADT in polyamory?

Don't ask, don't tell (DADT) is a relationship agreement where partners agree not to share details about their other relationships. Usually one partner has "permission" to cheat essentially, rather than both people having partners. It's not widely considered a valid form of polyamory and would instead be considered by many to be non-monogamy.

While some see it as a way to set boundaries and have some form of non-monogamy while still keeping usually a longer term relationship, others view it as a problematic practice that can blur the line between ethical non-monogamy and secrecy.

Reasons behind DADT

Even though many people feel DADT is unethical, there are many reasons people may choose it such as:

• Managing jealousy – Avoiding details about other relationships can help some individuals handle difficult emotions, especially if they have extreme hesitance to do any form of non-monogamy.
• Avoiding divorce – For those who are in long term commitments with lives tied together, DADT can offer an alternative to divorce that isn't completely dishonesty.

Criticisms of DADT

Despite its appeal to some, DADT is controversial in polyamorous communities because even if all parties are agreeing to DADT, it doesn't align with what many people is the spirit of polyamory which is a fuller level of consent at all:

• Lack of transparency – When details about other relationships are hidden, it can make it difficult to ensure informed consent for all involved, especially when it comes to STI risk.
• Potential for neglecting partners’ needs – Anyone who dates someone in a DADT relationship by definition can't be prioritised in their life and if this is not clearly communicated, many "secondaries" can feel taken advantage of.
• Blurred ethical boundaries – Some argue that DADT can resemble infidelity more than ethical non-monogamy, as it may prioritise secrets over open and honest communication.
• Complications in conflict resolution – If issues arise, avoiding discussions about other relationships can make it harder to navigate problems effectively.

Is DADT ethical?

The ethics of DADT are hotly debated. Some argue that as long as all parties consent, it is a valid way to practice polyamory. Others believe it can be a means of avoiding difficult conversations rather than fostering true relationship autonomy.

If considering a DADT arrangement, it’s crucial to ask:

• Is this truly a mutual decision? Is DADT a personal choice, or is it being imposed by one partner? Is the partner consenting to DADT but asking not to know doing so out of distress or feeling like they have other choice?
• Are boundaries clear? How will partners handle important discussions about health, scheduling, and emotional needs?
• Does this arrangement benefit all parties? Or does it serve mainly to protect one person’s comfort at the expense of others?

Wrap up

While DADT works for some, many in the polyamorous community critique it as a way to sidestep honest communication rather than build meaningful, ethical relationships. If used, it should be approached with caution, ensuring that all involved genuinely consent and that necessary discussions are not avoided under the guise of privacy.