What is relationship anarchy?

Relationship anarchy or RA is a non-hierarchical approach to relationships that challenges traditional ideas about how relationships should be structured. RA was coined by Andie Nordgren, a Swedish activist and game developer through a short manifesto titled The Short Instructional Manifesto for Relationship Anarchy, which was first published in the mid-2000s.

RA emphasizes individual autonomy, the rejection of pre-defined roles, and the freedom to form relationships based on personal desires and mutual agreements rather than societal expectations. In relationship anarchy, people build connections organically, without imposing labels, rules, or expectations that are often associated with monogamy or even polyamory.

Key aspects of relationship anarchy

Here are some of the key aspects of RA:

Rejection of predefined roles: One of the core tenets of relationship anarchy is rejecting the typical roles that society imposes on relationships, such as “romantic partner,” “best friend,” or “spouse.” Instead, relationship anarchists create unique, fluid roles that are based solely on the needs, desires, and agreements of the individuals involved. There are no fixed expectations about what a relationship should look like.
Individual autonomy: Relationship anarchy prioritizes the autonomy of each individual. People are free to make decisions that are best for themselves without feeling pressured to conform to a particular relationship structure. This allows for greater freedom in how relationships evolve and change over time.
Fluidity and adaptability: Relationships in anarchy are not rigid or fixed; they are fluid and adaptable to the needs and circumstances of the people involved. Relationship anarchists are open to renegotiating the terms of their relationships as life changes. This flexibility encourages continuous communication and a deeper understanding of each other’s evolving needs.
Non-hierarchical structure: Unlike hierarchical polyamory, relationship anarchy rejects the idea of prioritizing certain relationships over others. In relationship anarchy, there are no "primary" or "secondary" partners, meaning all relationships are valued equally and treated with the same respect and importance. This creates a more egalitarian framework where all connections are considered on their own merit, not based on their position within a hierarchy.
Freedom to define relationships: In relationship anarchy, individuals are encouraged to define their own relationships without relying on societal norms. People can form connections based on mutual respect, trust, and shared interests, rather than following pre-established templates for romantic, platonic, or familial relationships. Each relationship is unique and can evolve organically.

How relationship anarchy is different

Here are a few ways RA differs from other forms of non-monogamy.

Relationship anarchy vs. polyamory: While both relationship anarchy and polyamory involve multiple romantic or sexual relationships, relationship anarchy does not impose any hierarchy or predefined rules. Polyamory may involve primary, secondary, and tertiary relationships, with certain individuals receiving more time and commitment than others. In contrast, relationship anarchy treats all relationships as equal, with no set expectations regarding priority or structure.
Relationship anarchy vs. open relationships: Open relationships typically involve a primary couple who allows for sexual or romantic connections with others. While open relationships often have agreed-upon rules or boundaries, relationship anarchy rejects these constraints, giving each person the freedom to form connections in any way they choose. Relationship anarchy allows for more freedom and fluidity, with no need for permission or oversight from a primary partner.
Relationship anarchy vs. monogamy: Monogamy often involves one exclusive romantic or sexual partner, with a set structure for emotional, physical, and social involvement. Relationship anarchy challenges this model by advocating for multiple, equally valued relationships without the expectation of exclusivity or fixed roles. This allows individuals to form connections based on individual preferences, rather than traditional societal norms.

Benefits of relationship anarchy

Here are the many benefits or reasons people may choose RA:

Freedom and flexibility: The main appeal of relationship anarchy is the freedom to build relationships on your own terms. You can form deep connections based on mutual respect and shared interests, without needing to follow predefined rules about what a relationship should look like. This flexibility encourages authentic self-expression and avoids the constraints of traditional relationship structures.
Respect for individuality: Relationship anarchy honors the autonomy of each person, allowing for deep personal growth and independence within relationships. This can be especially empowering for those who want to avoid feeling bound by societal expectations or the pressures of more conventional relationship models.
Non-possessiveness: Relationship anarchy promotes the idea that people are not possessions, and it encourages the freedom to love, connect, and experience relationships without jealousy or control. People are allowed to form connections without fear of ownership or exclusivity, fostering a sense of equality and mutual respect.

Challenges of relationship anarchy

Here are some of the challenges people may face in RA:

Communication and negotiation: Because relationship anarchy involves more fluid boundaries and undefined roles, it can sometimes require more effort in communication and negotiation. People need to be clear about their needs, desires, and limits, which can be difficult if there are no predefined rules or expectations.
Jealousy and insecurity: Without traditional boundaries or commitment structures, individuals in relationship anarchy may experience jealousy or insecurity when they encounter new connections or when a partner’s attention shifts. While relationship anarchy encourages the rejection of possessiveness, these emotions can still arise and not having traditional structures to fall back on can make things difficult for some.
Misunderstandings from others: Since relationship anarchy is not widely understood, people practicing this lifestyle may encounter confusion or judgment from others who expect relationships to conform to traditional norms. It can be difficult to explain or navigate this alternative relationship style in a world where monogamy and traditional hierarchies are the norm.

Why people choose relationship anarchy

People are drawn to relationship anarchy for a variety of reasons, but common motivations include a desire for freedom, authenticity, and autonomy within relationships.

Many individuals feel constrained by traditional expectations of monogamy or hierarchical polyamory, and relationship anarchy offers an opportunity to break free from those boundaries. It allows for the creation of truly unique and individualized connections, empowering people to experience relationships on their own terms.

Is relationship anarchy right for you?

Relationship anarchy might be right for you if you value complete freedom in your relationships, the ability to define connections on your own terms, and the rejection of traditional roles or expectations. It requires strong communication skills, self-awareness, and the willingness to navigate uncertainty and change. If you enjoy forming relationships without predefined roles, hierarchies, or restrictions, relationship anarchy could be an enriching and fulfilling approach.

If you're interested in exploring what relationship style may fit you, consider taking my polyamory relationship quiz, check out my books or return to explore the FAQ.